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How do I help my 14yr old son control is frustration & anger when I give him positive pep talks

Every time I have a pep talk with my son, and be positive with him, he gets very frustrated & stresses out on me. I also have a hard time getting him to relax when he is upset & angry. What is the best possible way to get him to wind down & relax & not be so stressed out, which in returns stresses me out.    The talks are to help bring his spirit up I am a very positive person,  he tends to put himself down & is a pessimist about the sports he plays in,, wrestling, track, and his school work.   I let him make his own choices when it comes to playing in sports, I do not make him do what he does not want to do.  Becuase I do beleive in commitments, I will let know him how important it is to keep your commitments, and being a team player.   I am not a hellicopter parent, and I do give him his space. 

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Asked by kewlcat at 7:16 PM on Jul. 3, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Well, what is stressing him? What makes him angry about your pep talks? Have you sat down with him when both of you are calm and asked him?

    Answer by Ballad at 7:19 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • pep talks about what?

    maybe give him his space when he's upset/angry

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 7:24 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Why is there so much stress in the home?

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 7:24 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • BACK OFF!! You are stressing him out!

    Answer by Crafty26 at 7:26 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Frankly, pep talks piss me off, too. They convince me that the person giving them hasn't heard me AT ALL.

    Answer by SWasson at 8:26 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Check out the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk." It will give you some ideas (there are LOTS of examples or illustrations) of why this is happening, and how to avoid it.
    Basically, his feelings aren't your problem to "fix." You have a different job!
    It's very likely that the way you listen to (or respond to) his talking (when he's complaining about situations, talking about problems, or being negative about himself) generates frustration in him.
    You will tend to be less stressed by his challenging feelings & dark moods if you learn to let him have his feelings without taking responsibility for them, or taking on the obligation of fixing them or making him feel better.
    Ironically, being with someone & letting them HAVE their feelings as they are tends to help them feel better, simply because feeling heard is so connecting. And connection is basically what we're all looking for.

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:36 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • maybe the pep is more like "I am telling you"
    Start conversations with Have you, Do you want to? Asking before giving advice to someone is a good idea.
    I am not talking about you didn't do your home work kind of junk, but if you want to be an inspiration to him, you need to not shove it down his throat.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 8:41 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Pep talks annoy the hell out of me so maybe you should stop I find them patronizing and demeaning. Maybe your son does as well

    Answer by Nimue930 at 9:45 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • It would be helpful if you gave some more information. There is no way to give you any positive feedback.

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:59 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • I second the recommendation to How to Talk... GREAT book my mom got me for help with my daughter (who is still obnoxious when she is angry but i don't have to live with her anymore)

    Answer by figaro8895 at 12:30 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

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