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Do You Ever Feel Defeated?

I have Irish twins. They re both girls: 2 1/2 and 1 1/2. Lately, I feel extremely stressed and incapable. Any trip out in public is chaos! One of them starts whining and crying and then they're both screaming for Mommy. DH works 70+ hours a week and my Mom has been sick for months. I feel like I'm doing it alone and it's hard! I feel judged by friends for not having " perfect" children, but no one understands the chaos of the situation unless you're in it. I think I'm an excellent Mom, but lately I'm lacking patience. Do you ever feel like you're just not cutting it? I guess today was a rough day, but it feels like a lot of days are rough lately!

Answer Question
 
B_Vail

Asked by B_Vail at 9:57 PM on Jul. 3, 2013 in Toddlers (1-2)

Level 5 (60 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • First of all, you are doing it by yourself and you have every reason to feel exhausted, frustrated, etc. I also had two just a few months apart and I learned a secret: every mom feels the way you do a lot of the time, so cut yourself some slack and don't worry what others might be thinking. Truthfully, they are worried what you, and other moms, are thinking too ! If at all possible find daycare for one afternoon a week so you can have some down time, and hang in there, when they get just a little older it gets so much easier!!!!!!!
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 10:04 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • HUGS TO YOU!

    My younger two are 18 months apart. The very best thing I ever did was buy a double stroller. Both kids would get strapped in and I could get stuff done.

    It is hard. But you will get through it.

    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 10:11 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Yes I sure do. I have 4 kids, two of them are teenagers now (irish twins as well, lol) and it's impossible for me to be the mom I want to be. I get overwhelmed daily. BUT, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. Your kids are at a really hard age! Remember it's just a phase.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 10:44 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Shoot, I felt that way when I had one toddler; I can't imagine doing it with two. Give yourself a break. Toddlers equals chaos, in public or not. It will get easier.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:06 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Get help.

    I don't mean mental health help, but real help. Beg, borrow or hire it. Make a list, and ask for help. Ask your friends and your neighbours. Ask your church or associations. Ask a social worker or volunteer organization. Hire a mother's helper to fold the laundry and do the dishes. Hire an au pair to accompany you on errands. Hire someone else to DO your errands. Get your laundry picked up and delivered. Get your groceries delivered (Amazon delivers EVERYWHERE)...

    Slow your life down to toddler speed, and get rid of 90% of the crap and clutter in your house. Box it up for 3 years if you can't just throw it away. No one NEEDS 11 shirts, and no child on the planet needs more than 9 toys.

    Make a list of what is bugging you the very most -- in order, from 1st to last-- and do one item on the list ever day. ONLY one. Leave everything else for someone else/another day.

    Let your friends feel good helping you.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 11:30 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Yep, I have all sorts of feelings.

    I have learned that there is a lot of "extra" involved (in terms of taking on stressful feelings & uncomfortable internal pressure) when unconscious thoughts or beliefs are unexamined. You can assume, whenever you are upset or getting uncomfortable & rigid about a behavior or situation, some painful belief or thought directed at yourself is behind it. Most of those thoughts involve "shoulds" (and also "shouldn'ts.")
    "I should know what to do." "A good mother would be able to..." "I should be able to get her to..." "She shouldn't be..." "If I were a good mother, she wouldn't..." "If I were a good mother, they would...."
    It's the same when we're thinking about what someone else (might) be thinking. Making our personal worth contingent on someone else's approval or assessment disconnects us from our kids in the moment, because we see their behavior as wrong/a problem rather than they need help.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:53 PM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • P.S. I have actual twins! lol And a singleton 4 years older.

    My life got a lot easier (emotionally) and smoother (logistically) when I started connecting to the underlying internal causes of my feelings & reactions. I am a better parent (better able to live my values in the moment, and parent by my values more consistently) when I stay connected that way, and use my "triggers" or reactions/upset feelings as signals that I am thinking or feeling something painful, or threatening. FEELING self-doubt & uncertainty as a parent, in the moment, is lots easier than AVOIDING it by feeling upset or struggling against what's happening. Staying connected increases the chance that you can be responsive (versus reactive) as a parent, and it helps you mature emotionally (so that you actually do let go of the importance of "what someone might be thinking...") My toddlers got a lot more cooperative, too.
    But I do still feel low at times.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:01 AM on Jul. 4, 2013

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