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Fighting Dirty

I need some help. Whenever my DH and I get into a spat...I always seem to bring his mom into the argument...because he always seems to insult me in a way that it just ends up happening. I cant help it and I really want it to stop. It's just that I have given up so much and put up with so much that when he insults me..its like a natural reaction! I know that I can get my point across without doing that...but it seems like whenever I get into the heat of the moment it just spews out...Does someone have any advise on how I can stop doing this?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 PM on Jul. 5, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • If he's insulting you and you, in turn, are insulting his mother then the best advice I can give you is to seek counselling (yes, both of you) so that you learn to communicate better and so you can learn why you are doing this.

    Good luck :)

    Answer by goldpandora at 12:15 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Yes, there's obvious feelings there that need to be dealt with. Making a concious effort to not bring up those things, otherwise seeing a counselor is all you can do.

    Answer by Sillylins at 12:18 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • It is time for counseling.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 12:20 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • because he always seems to insult me in a way that it just ends up happening

    what is he saying to you that you have to talk about his mom?

    Answer by feralxat at 12:36 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Usually when we fight its about how "dirty" the house is and that he would stay home with the kids and do a 100% better job then me. Let me start off with saying..he is lazy and there is no way he would...he is just like his mom lazy and a big talker...just talk no action. I was in school before I got pregnant to become a pharmacist (they make well over $100,000 a year) which is more then what he makes right now..and the reason I dropped from school was because I had no help with my child or the money to put her in daycare. But his mom decided at the ripe age of 50 to go to nursing school instead of helping me further my career not only for myself but for my child and her son. So bacially when he insults me by saying he could do better then me, but he needs to work. Its like are you serious?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:45 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • You and your mom knew I was in school to better all of our lives and instead she straight up told me she is not going to help me and racks up $80k in school loan debt and now complains everyday about not having the energy to go to her damn nursing job??! She is now 57 yrs old and barely working without breaking her ass everyday as a nurse. So its insulting to me when you tell me I dont make any money and he HAS to work etc etc...Why didnt you both think of that before I dropped out of school? As for his mom, he should have been hinking aboutretiring soon...not paying back $80k in debt...and then complaining about work because she is tired all the damn time.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • It is not your MILs job to make your life easier. What she chooses to do with her life is not your concern. Whether she works, complains about working, retires- whatever, not your business.

    You sound angry with DH, because HE failed to tend to or otherwise assist with the care of the child while you were in school. You sound upset, because you were unable to finish your schooling.

    IF he isnt an Ass, a calm discussion with you explaining your issues (schooling, childcare) may be in order. If you ask for his help in coming up with a solution to the problem he may feel like Mr.Fix-It and the two of you could move forward.

    If he's and Ass, youre screwed and need to decide what your next step is.
    And stop worrying about MIL. MYOB in regards to her.

    Answer by feralxat at 1:00 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Youre right. I do need to keep her out of it...I admit that too! But its hard when he keeps making me feel like a piece of shit.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:11 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • You are the only one that can "help it" No one else can make you stop this destructive behavior. You know you should not do it but you give yourself permission to continue with all your excuses.

    We all give up so much to be married to the person we love and that includes your spouse. Maybe you should concentrate on what you have gained and what hopefully you want to keep.

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:14 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Maybe if you arm yourself with some btter, more productive things you can say, you'll do better at leaving his mom out of it. Because, really, this isn't about her. Something like this:

    "When you tell me you would do so much better at keeping house than I do, it makes me feel ..."

    "WWhen you complain about having to work and it seems like you are telling me I contribute nothing to the household, I feel ..."

    "What are tree things, and only three, that you think I should do differently around the house?"

    Also, think about how *you can make your schooling happen as soon as your child reaches school age.

    Answer by Ballad at 3:31 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

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