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What can i do about my daughters' abusive boyfriend?

My daughter has 2 children with a man that is abusive mentally and physically, If I say anything then I'm the bad one, my daughter also has a son from a previous relationship which her boyfriend is jealous of, what can I do?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:35 PM on Jul. 5, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • You can encourage her to leave, which she may not. She thinks she'll fix him, she thinks he'll change, she thinks one day he'll wake up and realize how horrible he's been to her, and he'll snap out of it!!
    When she finally figures out that he won't change and she inevitably becomes sick of his shit, be there for her to help her when she makes the decision to leave on HER TERMS.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 4:38 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Nothing you do or say will make her leave before SHE is ready to leave.

    IF he is hurting the children YOU need to report it to CPS and if it was me, I would request that I be given custody of the children if they are taken away. IF that happened you will have to be prepared to have strict boundaries with your daughter concerning the children.

    I know from experience, both watching my mother and in my own relationship(that nearly ended in my death) that nothing you say or do will MAKE her do anything. Hopefully she will come to that conclusion on her own sooner rather then later.

    good luck
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 4:45 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • My guess is that she feels like a failure and doesn't deserve any better or can not hope for better. Is there any way she would go for counseling. What she needs is to build up her self esteem. I am assuming you do that.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:50 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • There's nothing you can do. Having been in a mentally abusive relationship, she won't be willing to leave or to see that he's abusive until SHE realizes it herself. Until she sees/hears something that makes her go "omg, he's crazy/going to hurt me/totally freaking terrifying!", until she opens her eyes and sees him for who he is, she won't listen to you or anyone else. All you can do is wait.

    HOWEVER, if his abuse extends to the kids, then I would call CPS and report it. Get the kids out of there, at least. That might also be enough to snap those eyes of hers open. Having people come in and take her kids, and tell her it's because he's abusive to them might make her see what she's so blind to right now.

    Good luck!
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 5:33 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Not a lot. She is the one who chooses to stay with this man. The only thing you can do is to be there and let her know you are always on her side and will help her when she decides that she is not going to stay with him any longer.

    You say physically abusive. As in? There are many kinds of physical abuse and not all of them involve hitting. If she is not willing to file charges against him, then even if you make a complaint it will not go anywhere.

    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Call CPS anonymously.
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 4:46 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • If the boyfriend is hurting the children, you can and should act on their behalf by calling CPS. But your daughter is an adult, and if you intervene for her, even with good intention, she will see you as the bad guy and be alienated from an ally she will need when she gets fed up and decides to leave. Let her know she has a place to come to, but other than that, don't say anything about her situation. You don't have to enable her by letting her spill out the gory details, since your listening ear may give her just enough strength to keep going back. If it comes up, just keep letting her know you will be there for her if she wants to end it, and then change the subject. Ultimately though, if someone won't help herself, there's nothing you can do for her.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:30 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • Thank you all for your answers, I am going to let her know that I will be here when and if she needs me. I am and always will be sure the children are safe.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:09 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

  • ^^^^Yep- I'm with them. While there are those of us who can't wrap our heads around why any woman would stay in that situation, those women have to leave on their terms, when they're ready. Just assure her that she & the kids have a safe place to stay when she's decided she's had enough. Keep telling her how much you love her & the grandkids & that you want a safe, happy life for them. GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:10 PM on Jul. 5, 2013

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