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My own mother has never really formed a tight bond with her grandchildren. She does live 13 hrs. from them, so this hasn't helped, but she rarely visits and never asks to speak to them on the phone. She does send them birthday cards with money, so that is nice! How to I stop feeling bad about this?

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OSUmom520

Asked by OSUmom520 at 9:34 AM on Jul. 8, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • you could move right next door to her
    but, thinking this might bring on some other issues

    it is what it is


    was your mother all warm and huggable when you were growing up, or was she a kind of keep your distance person?
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:39 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • What do you want her to do? She is 13 hours away. She doesn't really know them. You say she rarely visits but do you go and visit her?
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:58 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • When you're 13 hours away it's kind of hard to bond with children. She probably finds it hard to start speaking to them because, not being around, she maybe doesn't know what to say to them. I hope you give her plenty of news about them :) About not visiting often, it may not be practical for her ... that's a long way and she may not feel up to it. The 13 hours - are they by road, rail or air?

    Perhaps she feels that she's intruding when she visits? Could you invite her more often?

    Finally, stop feeling bad about this. It has happened to many of us and we deal with it because that is about all we can do about it. Moping and feeling bad are like a rocking chair - they give you something to do but they don't get you anywhere :)
    goldpandora

    Answer by goldpandora at 9:58 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • No...my mom was not very warm and huggable when I was growing up now that I think about it... She wasn't a cold person either, but not very demonstrative with her feelings. My dad was the more 'warm and fuzzy' parent. My mom was adopted and an only child. Maybe this has something to do with the way she is... I have felt bad for my own children for years now and I need to stop! My mom made a comment to me when they were little that we lived 'just too faraway', so she has never put a lot of effort in bonding with them. I had to beg her to visit us...literally beg. She came to visit about once or twice a year. We would try to visit her and my dad at least twice a year, so we made an effort too. It was a 19 hr. road trip at the time (we lived in Houston). What is really sad is that my brother's children only live an hour from her and she rarely saw them too. My sister-in-law has to initiate those visits!
    OSUmom520

    Comment by OSUmom520 (original poster) at 10:02 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • Oregon State or Oklahoma State?
    Noticed your SN
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 10:08 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • You are right...13 hrs. is a long distance away!! Maybe I am expecting too much. She visits by plane, which can be a pain too with the delays. It certainly doesn't do any good to worry or fret about it! In a perfect world, we would all live in the same town!! I only wish she would put a little more effort into it, because she has been retired for along time now...my dad has passed on. She is always telling me that she isn't doing anything and is a little depressed! I always invite her to stay with us for a while.. We have room for her! Oh well, I try my best!!
    OSUmom520

    Comment by OSUmom520 (original poster) at 10:11 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • well, there you go
    she is who she is
    she loves them, just does not show it like some people

    and doing your best is best you can do
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:29 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • "My mom was adopted and an only child. Maybe this has something to do with the way she is... "

    Nope. I'm adopted and I'm not that way. My brother is adopted and is (obviously) not an only child and he IS that way.

    It's down to the person and it is not your fault.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:37 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • Oklahoma State
    OSUmom520

    Comment by OSUmom520 (original poster) at 10:39 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

  • Don't feel bad. My kids still have 4 living grandparents, and half of them want nothing to do with their grandkids. The sad part is, those two (my mom and FIL) are the two that live the closest to us. They're both about 30 minutes away. My dad drives trucks professionally and is only home once a month. My MIL lives 6 hours away and sees/interacts with my kids more than the other two.

    Foster and cherish the relationships with the grandparents that ARE involved. Let the rest float on by. Ultimately, it's THEIR loss, not yours.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:06 AM on Jul. 8, 2013

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