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when we get into an argument, he also throws in my face what he does me and the kids, what do I do???

We get into disputes majority of the time we're around each other, I told him I had a Bone to pick with him but meant it in a joking way. He got really upset and told me not to say that to him. After apologizing for the word he kept going, and going to the point where now I'm irritated so I tell him to leave. Now here he talks about everything he does for me and the kids, and how he volunteers to help when I need it and now I'm honestly regretting my decision to work things out with him. It's so frustrating, I do tend to joke a lot, I can be goody and serious as well. So some things I say offends him and some things he says offends me what can I do???

 
annabanana4402

Asked by annabanana4402 at 9:51 AM on Jul. 10, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (2 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • Volunteers to help when you need it
    Is he a volunteering husband or a volunteering boyfriend
    And what is he volunteering for

    Not sure by this short summary if he is an ass, or just a badgered man
    Need more details, or link to past posts

    Man and women do communicate very differently
    Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus, book that explains the differences well
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:58 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • He is communicating with you, but you aren't hearing him. He's telling you that he tries to help, tries to please and you do not affirm his attempts nor show him the proper respect. Men crave respect; women crave love. It's the same coin, but different sides. And when you flippantly say "I have a bone to pick with you", he hears the disrespect in that and he becomes angry and defensive. The only person you can change in any relationship is yourself, and once you begin working on her, the rest usually falls in place. The mistake most of us make is in thinking it's up to us to change the other person, and it's never gonna happen, cause the only person who can change him is him, too!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:05 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • Read the book I mentioned, it is a start, at least you will see how man are way different than is when communicating
    Maybe other members have good advice on how to meet in the middle

    If just communication issue, you two can mostly fix it, but both have to bend some (you might have to change more) men are just not good at this (most men) and yours sounds set in his ways

    Don't sweat the small stuff and read up on how men are cave dwellers when it comes to issues
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:14 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • If every attempt to communicate results in an argument, then this relationship most likely is doomed. I cannot tell whether you express yourself verbally more clearly than you do in writing (sorry), so it may be that he's not understanding you.

    Are the two of you seeing a counselor? You need to.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:37 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • every argument this is the first thing he mentions.
    Yeah- I bet he does. He is asking you to acknowledge that he doesn't just lay around and tell you to fend for yourself. He wants a pat on the back every now and then.


    He gets offended if I use words such as I got a bone to pick with you
    he gets offended if you tell him youve got a complaint? how often do you have a complaint about something? is there anything he does that makes you happy?


    because



    We get into disputes majority of the time we're around each other (and) I'm honestly regretting my decision to work things out with him.
    sounds like you want to break up and are trying to see how far you can push him

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:59 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • Stop arguing and learn how to communicate.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:54 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • Bad communication is just something you both have to work on. I am misunderstood a lot too, but we've gotten better. Are they his kids?? If they are he SHOULD be doing stuff for them. If they aren't then his argument is semi valid, but it seems it may be the only one he's got. Next time he brings up what he does do for you and the kids you can say " And we appreciate that, but that is not what we are discussing right now." The keys to a successful relationship are....Communication, Consideration, and Compromise. Try not to judge what he says because he is entitled to feel the way he does. You are entitled to feel the way you do as well. You've already learned that "have a bone to pick with you" is not a good way to start a conversation. However you did apologize so whether he chooses to accept it or not is on him. Counselling might be a good idea.

    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 11:06 AM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • What are you fighting about?
    Money?
    Sex?
    Kids?
    Issues in the relationship (like cheating, texting other girls)?
    The amount of time you spend together?
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:10 PM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • Okay, I'm kind of seeing several problems here.

    One is that you two have major problems with communicating - something you already realize. You need to see a counselor or at the very least pick up some relationship and communication books to help you two learn how to communicate with each other, rather than just talk at each other.

    Another is that he "throws in your face" what he does for you and the kids - sounds to me like he either (1) wants some acknowledgement for what he does, or (2) feels that he's doing more than his fair share and wants you to take on some responsibilities that you don't already - maybe you need to get a job if you're a sahm, or something like that. It's a passive aggressive way to go about telling you, but maybe that's what he's trying to do.

    Lastly, and this goes back to the original communication issue, but is about you specifically (con't)
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 1:12 PM on Jul. 10, 2013

  • He's told you that he doesn't like the phrase "bone to pick with you." Apparently he's told you that more than once, and you've ignored him and continued to use it anyway.

    It's a rather common phrase and many people use it, but it bothers him. So when you use it, that's going to make him automatically shut down. He's not going to want to discuss anything with you because (1) you're using a phrase that bugs him, and that irritation gets in the way, and (2) by continuing to use a phrase that he's told you repeatedly bothers him, you're showing him that you don't respect him and don't care enough about his feelings/opinions to stop using that phrase.

    Address problems differently. Instead of "I have a bone to pick with you", say "I need to discuss something with you." Or even "We have a problem." And make sure it's "we", not "you" - even if you feel he's the problem, putting all the blame on him will make him defensive.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 1:15 PM on Jul. 10, 2013