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3 Bumps

Cut ties with my mother-yes or no?

I am a 49 year old mother with a wonderful husband and 16 year old daughter. I admit that I have put my family through emotional stress with the rollercoaster relationship I have with my mother. My mother accepts no blame for her actions, rarely apologizes, laughs when I tell her why and what I am upset about, and tries to downplay how I feel. I am at the end of my rope with her. She has an unhealthy, codependent relationship with my brother, a 51 year old man who lives in the apartment below her and who she supports completely. She has paid approx. $200,000 in lawyer fees and living costs for my brother and his daughter while she has stood by and watched my family lose two homes over financial problems and pays little attention to her first grandchild. My husband and I have made big changes and gotten our life together. We both earn fairly good money and are much more financially secure now. I'm just tired to death of my mother's dysfunctional relationship and apathetic, lackadaisical attitude towards our relationship. Is it time to cut the ties?

Answer Question
 
Phoenix2002

Asked by Phoenix2002 at 8:33 PM on Jul. 14, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • Up to you, but you may want to think of how you might feel if she died suddenly. Would you wish you had done anything or said anything different? She may be difficult, but she's the only mom you'll ever have.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 8:37 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • Be with the friends and relatives who support you and love you. Keep Mom at arm's length, but don't cut all ties. You might call her once a month or so and remember holidays, etc.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 8:38 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • Keeping a distance to maintain peace is good but do not cut ties with your Mother.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 8:40 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • I cut the ties with my parents over 14 years ago!
    Best gift I've ever given myself and my family.

    Do I recommend it, no..but you have to do what is right for you. I refuse to be a door mat to anyone!
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 8:44 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • The worst part of it is that I want to so desperately have a good relationship with my Mom. My husband thinks I need to seek a counselor to help me resolve this issue. My dysfunctional relationship with my mom takes up emotional energy that could be better spent on my immediate family. While I hate to think of her dying and not speaking to her, I don't know if that is a good enough reason to continue our relationship. I want her to be more interested in our family and her grandchild (our daughter) but she is so tied up in my brother's life and raising his ten-year old child, that she doesn't seem to have the emotional energy or physical time to spend with us. She even views my requests for her to come visit me and just have fun as a "demand." The worst part is that my brother treats her like shit. I don't understand why she does so much for him, I think she needs to be needed. She does not take my feelings seriously.
    Phoenix2002

    Comment by Phoenix2002 (original poster) at 8:44 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • Counseling is a good idea so you can have peace
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 8:51 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • I'm sorry OP, it does suck but the hurt fades. I've learned that my health and happiness is more important in order to have a healthy and happy home life.
    My parents made the choice to be assholes, not me...so it's on them.
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 8:53 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • I don't see any reason to keep the ties. I understand what the first responder says, however your mother doesn't seem to act like a mother. Pushing a baby out of one's body does not make one a mother.

    My husband cut his mother off years ago. She died in September. He never shed a single tear.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:10 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • Your mother is the same as any other person in your life. If she adds to your life, builds you up, makes you happy, gives and takes with you, supports you, and so on, then she's worth having a relationship with. If she drags you down, causes misery, blows you off, then who needs it? It's that simple, really. Only you can decide. I have very little to do with my mother because the way she treated me added nothing to the quality of my life and only ended up hurting me.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 9:51 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

  • First and foremost- how your mom spends her money, either on your brother or not on you is none of your business.

    If she is incapable of supporting your emotional requirements then cut her out
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:21 PM on Jul. 14, 2013

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