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In my heart, im not sure if my step children really care for me or about me, what would you suggest?

my husband and i have been together since 1999 but married for a year and a half. my 2 step daughters never really reach out to me, they never say hello while their on the phone with their dad or my daughter, no happy birthday, no happy anniversary nothing. when they come home they will give me a hug but its something missing. im cordial with them but we really dont have a connection. its like they wish their mom, im not sure if they resent me but it seems that way. it saddens me not that theres anything i can do about it. but i just wanted to know how did you bond with your step kids. it seems like im trying to hard for them to accept me but their not really interested in really having me in their life. its hard!

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Asked by rosesrred1 at 11:17 AM on Jul. 15, 2013 in Relationships

Level 15 (1,976 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • I never had step kids. Thank goodness. If I would have though. I would not have cared if they liked me or not. Did you stay and marry their dad because of them? Probably not? Be nice to them when they are around and leave it at that.

    Answer by louise2 at 11:25 AM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • Sounds like they need to mature. How old are they? I would just do nice things for them when I could & hope that soon they will grow up & realize that I really do care about them. Even if they never reciprocate at least YOU did the right thing & they can never say anything to the contrary.


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 11:34 AM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • How old are they? Do you have bio kids? My step kids think of my husband as a 2nd dad, but I think it's easier because we're the custodial parents. If they are teens there probably isn't much you can really do at this point. You could offer a girls shopping day or mani/pedis for all 3 of you, just spending time. Do all of you do things as a family? I've found that camping trips or shared experiences (rock climbing, kayaking, sky lining, etc) are great ways to bond.

    Answer by missanc at 11:45 AM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • dont give up, be yourself, those bonds take time! Sounds like you are trying to hard. Having blended families can be challanging but hang in there!

    Answer by Sillylins at 11:46 AM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • How old were they when you got together with their father and how old are they now? I'm thinking that if they're adults, and were closer to adulthood when you got together, this may simply be the way it is. I know, as an adult, if one of my parents passed away or they got divorced, and the other one remarried, I probably wouldn't try too hard to have a super close relationship with my stepparent. I'd be polite, and friendly, say hello, include them, but I wouldn't be acting like they were my parent or trying to be best friends with them.

    Also, another thought, and please don't take this wrong, but under what circumstances did you and their dad get together? Is it at all possible that their mother blames you (even wrongly) for the end of the marriage, and has convinced her daughters of that, as well?

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:18 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • It sounds as though the are/ were adult children. It maybe that you are trying for a connection that just might not happen.
    I would take the friendly contact and be satisfied with that and if it blossoms into more then that will be fine too,

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:29 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • I feel your pain, I really do. My husband has two daughters and when we got together they were 8 and 9. It took them a little while to adjust and like me because i was a lot younger than their dad. But a lot of it was because they felt guilty towards their mom by liking me. I just kept trying my best with them and 13 years later we are as close as can be. So although I know every situation is different there is hope.

    Have you talked to your husband about how he would feel if you talked to them about it. How old are they? And what about a girls night together for some bonding time?

    Answer by mlmsm928 at 12:58 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • they are 25 and 21 now. ive been around them since they were 7 and 11. their mom and i get along for the most part, but my daughter is their littls sister, they do call her and so things with her when they come home. espcially the 21 year old. i try to get together with them and do things with them when they come home. the 21 year tries my patience sometimes because she thinks shes grown and can say what she wants but i set the record straight, im sturn with them. i try but they look at me as "im not their mom", i dont try to be their mom i just show i support them and i do love them its just hard. having step children is very challenging.

    Comment by rosesrred1 (original poster) at 1:22 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • their mom and my husband never were married.

    Comment by rosesrred1 (original poster) at 1:25 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

  • the 21 year tries my patience sometimes because she thinks shes grown and can say what she wants but i set the record straight, im sturn with them

    Um...21 is grown. If she's disrespectful, you certainly have the right to demand respect, but if you're telling her that as a 21-year-old adult, she's not grown, that's going to cause serious issues in the relationship. Especially when you're only her stepmother, that's really going to rub her the wrong way.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 1:41 PM on Jul. 15, 2013

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