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5 Bumps

How to handle a 9 year old with an INSANE attitude?

Went to starbucks on the way to taking the kids to the park. My two older girls had money to buy themselves a frap (no coffee). I ordered a cup of whip cream for my younger two I guess the older two wanted it as well so also ordered a cup of whip along with their drinks( I didn;t know this until they came out). When the lady put them on the counter my son(4yrs) grabbed one then put it back. My 9yr old insisted he take the one he touched first and grabbed the other one. He said he wanted that one and I toold her to give it to him beacuse it was ordered for HIM. She said No this one is his and kept demanding he take the other one and started to cause a scene. I told her to let him have it now or I would take hers away and she wouldn't get one, so she did But not without having an attitude. * I don't understand how any kids could have an attitude when getting a treat. I warned her that if she didn't loose her attitude I would take the whip cream away. She didn't stop so I had to take it away. 

I was consiterating giving it back to her if she stopped her attitude But on the way out of the store she grabbed the whip and stared eating it. I took it from her again and back came the attitude. When we got in the car I gave it to her brother to have.This is where the freak out really starts!

She Yelled " SERIOUSLY!?!?!?" I tried to explain to her that she has no business having an attitude over a FREE whip cream that was exactly the same when she also had a frappuccino and we are headed to the park. ( I mean seriously WTF) But all this was pointless as she was yelling and screaming at me the whole time. I again warned her That I would now take her frappuccino. She then Yelled NO YOU WONT. ITS MINE, I PAID FOR IT! So as everyone is staring at our car I reach back to grab it as she resisted I had to grab her hand to get it from her. After this im pretty sure everything turned RED for her and I could not even explain how bad it was. She was SCREAMING, said I abuse her and she hates me, i am so MEAN to her, I am a MONSTER and whatever else. Her brother and baby sister where almost in tears they were so upset with all the yelling, we almost got in a car accident I couldn't even focus on my driving, I was so upset.

I was going to take her to the park and just have her sit while the other kids played because dad was at home working but at this point I had to take her home. When we got home she grabbed her Frappiccino and ran in her room. I followed her and took it out of her hand and she was screaming hitting and kicking me so I walked to the bathroom and I flushed it down the toilet. Her dad had to grab her she was freaking out so bad.

This was yesterday and she has been in her room ever since. I have to put an END to this behavior ASAP. WHAT DO I DO? I can't even look at her yet I am still so mad. She has been eating in her room. We told her she needs to write us a letter explain what she did wrong. But all it said was that we hate her and she want to live with her grandparents. She just wants to run the show and be able to do whatever she want and thinks she can talk and act like an adult. It is INSANE!! PLEASE HELP!!

 

Comments to answers: -It should be a simple thing to ask a 9yr old to do. She is older and to hand over a whip cream that is exactly the same to her 4yr old brother should be simple! Especially since she had a Frappiccino coming. I Also can't let an attitude just go when I we were suppose to being getting a treat

. -The whip cream was a tiny cup that was FREE

-WOW, REALLY? NO way! NO throwing fits! Especially when your getting a treat or the treat goes AWAY!

-No my Daughter was trying to control the situation. It is not up to her to decide which one he has to have just because he touched one.

 

****Im sorry But I think your all wrong. She should not have had a whip cream cup in the first place. I didn;t even know she ordered one until she started bossing her brother around. I ordred one for him and one for their younger sister. The older two ordered their own drinks Don't know where they even thought they were allowed to order a cup of whip. It was HIS cup to choose from PERIOD!!!!

** this is not a normal reaction on my part. This is just been the final straw of her attitude. I have sat down and been super understanding and have made multiple efforts to fix things that she has said so was in happy about. It doesn't stop her freak outs!! How so I get her to control herself???

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:24 PM on Jul. 16, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (69)
  • Dan Siegel (neurologist, psychiatrist, researcher, therapist) wrote a book called "Parenting From The Inside Out" & included a story about a trip to get crepes after a movie date with his two kids, and a situation he got involved in (when he dictated, intending to "smooth & manage" a situation, that his son should just give his little sister a taste) that escalated, and deteriorated, extremely quickly.
    I think he refers to it as "taking the low road" (in terms of lower & higher brain function, with more flexible, attuned reasoning being a "high brain" function, and rigid reactivity being a more emotional "low brain" function. Cerebral cortex versus amygdala.)
    Anyway, reading through your scenario I feel a lot of compassion all around & can relate to the whole thing! Also, I recognize points at which the response predictably led to escalation.
    I recommend the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk."
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:36 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • Woah...
    first of all- WHY make it such a big deal about giving the 4 yr old a cup he took then changed his mind about? I don't get it...I think this whole thing could have been avoided -but instead, it just got worse...and to take away the drink SHE bought?

    I guess either way- one of them would have been pissed so... I think I would have had told her I was going to go ahead and let him have that one and she could have the other and if she didn't want it that way that was her choice and left it be after that. The end.
    OR
    just tell the 4 yr old he she had picked already and he could have the other and left it at THAT
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 4:36 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • It sounds like both of you just got spun up an the situation went out of control. It happens. Instead of keeping her in her room till she sees what she did wrong and writes a letter, maybe sitting down and talking the whole thing out with no pointing fingers would work better. Is it more important that your daughter apologizes, or more important to find out where these extremely negative feelings are coming from?

    Is she usually a drama queen type, or is this "I hate you and I want to live with my grandparents" stuff new? Is anything unusual going on in her life right now?
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:43 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • Hosnestly, if the 9 yo had already picked up the cup then the 4 yo shouldnt have been able to choose that one. And to take away something she had paid for? I feel sorry for her. She should have handled it better, but so should you.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 4:44 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • It should be a simple thing to ask a 9yr old to do. She is older and to hand over a whip cream that is exactly the same to her 4yr old brother should be simple! Especially since she had a Frappiccino coming. I Also can't let an attitude just go when I we were suppose to being getting a treat.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:44 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • The whip cream was a tiny cup that was FREE
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:45 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • you know- when i first read this i was going to give you props for not putting up with her attitude
    after some reflection i realized exactly what charlot said
    you were allowing the 4yo to dictate the situation

    the "baby" wanted something so everyone had to bend to his will
    "I" think the 9yo was correct. the 4 yo took the drink decided he dident want the drink and the 9yo was told tough shit



    is this a pattern in the 9yos life? that the 4yo gets what they want? no matter who it affects?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 4:45 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • This was 100% avoidable. Everyone overreacted. Period.
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 4:46 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • No more trips to Starbucks for ANYONE in your house. Lol.
    PandaGwen

    Answer by PandaGwen at 4:46 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

  • WOW, REALLY? NO way! NO throwing fits! Especially when your getting a treat or the treat goes AWAY!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:51 PM on Jul. 16, 2013

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