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What advice would you give your grown married dd about this?

They have been married almost 3 yrs now and together in all 7 yrs.Her husband has always been in control of the finaces but now she wants to be more in control and needs to be, she was young when married and didn't mind him being in control and of course he loved it, meant he could control her and everything, I know he seen her very naive.She is growing up and learning more of marriage.She never knew until the other day that she is not even on their checking account.Just him and he says you do not need to be on it.its enough for me to handle.I hate this for her, he has always had a control issue, isn't mean or anything just like bosses her around like a kid instead of his wife.I told her get her butt up there and tell him they are one and I will be put on it but he still will not get up and take her to put her name on the account..debit cards anyhting, so if hes gone and she needs something for the baby or her..shes up a creek

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:08 PM on Feb. 18, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (16)
  • Does she have a job? If not she needs to get one, and get her own checking account, and handle her own bills, as well as put a little into her savings here and there when she can without his knowledge, for a "just in case" fund.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 2:10 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • She needs to put her foot down. That isn't a healthy relationship to begin with. If he can't make some compromises, she needs to leave or make him leave. She needs to keep herself more informed about what's going on in her own life. Have she thought about getting a job and her own bank account? Let him keep paying the bills and use her money she makes for whatever she wants. He will change his ways then I bet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:11 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Does she have a job? If I were her, I would open my own account. I would put my own money in the account and use it for what I needed and the baby. I would also open a savings account and put it in my name. I would not let him know about the savings. To me, this may be her saving grace just in case this relationship goes down hill.

    Answer by Samanthasmom210 at 2:11 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Mom you are soo right just make sure he does not know you are telling her this he will resent you for getting into their business even though I know you just want what is best for her, she needs to open her eyes and smell the coffee. If he gets upset then something is up that is not fair when we marry we become one. Not seperate. Then again he probably doesn't want her to learn too much he might feel he is going to lose her. If I were her I would open my own account and don't tell him about it see if he likes it he wants to do things seperate...seperate he will get.

    That is all I could think of....sorry and good luck


    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 2:15 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • No, she is not working.OUTSIDE THE HOME but is wanting to go back to school soon or just get a job.She really wanted to be at home with their 1 yr old but to do that she has to do with out anything she really wants or the baby new clothes she is out growing everything, she will tell him that and he just says No to her like his kid..makes me sick.He never even wants to care for their dd for her while she bathes or tries to sleep in on the weekend or try to cook for him. He comes comes home from the office..flops everything and hisself down and says what are you cooking me and even calls her from work and ask is she cleaning or anything.She could count on her fingers how many times he has changed a diaper or even watched their little girl who is 15 months now.Then also when she tries to explain or tell him nicely how to do something pertaining to their dd, he gets furious and ends up in a verbal fight and he acts 5.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:52 PM on Feb. 18, 2009


    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 4:03 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • So, he doesn't respect her as a mature human being. She should at least get an allowance that she can spend on herself and the baby. Ideally she should be able to purchase household needs, including clothing and what is needed for the baby. How can she get his respect. All I can think of is to get her education and job training. It will mean a great deal of work for her to accomplish this. I can't figure out how she'll do it if he won't care for a child or pay for child care, but single mothers manage. Her name needs to be on the account, or he should help her set up an account and put money in it if he doesn't want her name on the main account. Maybe his is afraid she would spend it all thoughtlessly. She should suggest counseling, and she should start working toward life on her own if she feels she can't live like she is now.

    Answer by Bmat at 4:23 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • I'm with karrie marie above. If she has said that she wants these things and it isnt happening, it's not going to happen. Infact he could start being physically abusive to her. A man who is use to that much controll over a woman is very frightening. Hopefully you will be there for her. If it gets bad, get her at least to a woman's shelter where she can get help.

    Answer by DAWN-10 at 4:41 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Guess what? Being controlling is abuse too. Just a bit more passive. She's got more trouble than she realizes. She needs to go get counselling NOW! For herself. Before he robs her of her self-esteem. She may need to consult with an attorney also to find out exactly what will happen in the event of his passing. Most everything reverts to the wife. She's not in a good relationship. Beware Mom.

    Answer by BetsyAD at 6:50 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • have her call an attorney or contact (that is 2 v's not a w) and talk with a lawyer for free and ask what she can do. She needs to be on some account or have Power of Atty in case he dies.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:28 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

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