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3 Bumps

Would you respect your ex's wishes?

***IF YOU BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOULD NOT DATE UNTIL THEY ARE DIVORCED THEN DO NOT READ ON. YOUR OPINION WILL NOT HELP ME***

I have been separated from my husband for almost a year (end of august will be 1 year). We plan to divorce, just getting our ducks in a row before we file. I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now. Things are great and we spend a lot of time together. My 4 year old daughter has met him but I did not say his name and just said he was "Mommy's friend". It wasn't planned, just in passing at the store. He wants to go to the zoo and I obviously would like to take my daughter. I informed my ex that I was seeing someone and that I was thinking on bringing him around our daughter. He freaked out about the fact that I was seeing someone and said he doesn't want him around her. I offered to have them meet so he would feel more comfortable but he refused. Would you respect his wishes and not bring your boyfriend around your child or let it happen since he's not willing to meet the guy first?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:16 PM on Jul. 19, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Yeah, I would respect his wishes at this point. You have only been together a few months and you haven't even been separated a year yet. Give it some time and give your ex time to get used to another man being in his daughter's life.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 1:18 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • Yes, especially since you are not divorced yet and, he could seriously screw you over in court over it.
    3libras

    Answer by 3libras at 1:19 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • I think there's a difference between having a string of guys in and out of a child's life and someone just assuming he can tell you that you have to keep your boyfriend away from your daughter. If I were in your place I might wait just until the divorce is finalized (not that I'm saying I don't think you should be dating, just until you're divorced he might be able to make a bigger fuss about things), but after that he would have NO say over what you do, unless he can provide a LEGAL reason as to why your boyfriend shouldn't be allowed around your daughter.
    bandgeek521

    Answer by bandgeek521 at 1:19 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • If you're not officially divorced you should not be bringing anyone around your child. The child has enough stress of dealing with Mommy and Daddy breaking up. Let her adjust to that before bringing in "Mommy's boyfriend", especially a relatively new relationship and one that is not serious.
    KristiS11384

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 1:19 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • Was he controlling during the marriage? What's the reason for the divorce?
    You need to determine if this is an "Oh shit she's moved on" reaction, or if he's generally concerned about the type of person who is going to be around his child.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:26 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • I think you should put your daughter before yourself and your desires. This is not about you and your ex and can he tell you what to do. It is about what is best for your daughter. You are not divorced and believe it or not your child dreams that you will be a whole family again. Nothing is final and she needs time to deal with that (when it comes) Frankly you haven't had time to deal with it either but that will be your mess later.
    Your best parenting plan is to wait until after the divorce and then some.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:26 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • *genuinely*
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:35 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • Yes he was controlling in our relationship and it is a for sure "Oh shit she's moved on" reaction. I did not expect him to react this way at all. He is not concerned about the person who is going to be around our daughter, he sees it as he's being replaced. To sum up why we are not together - we had problems that weren't getting fixed and then more problems would arise. A lot of the problems he just accepted and didn't feel the need to fix but he also said he didn't believe in divorce. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place so I left him for the sake of our daughter (we fought a lot and it happened in front of her, almost getting physical).
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:42 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • imo
    too soon to bring around your very young child
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 2:09 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

  • Your daughter is 4, and her world's been turned upside down and inside out. Imagine how you would feel if you were relying on two people to take care of all your needs, be there for you, and suddenly, one of them was gone and you only saw him sometimes. Now throw in that the one you're with the most is introducing you to some new guy. It would be confusing and maybe even downright terrifying.

    Whether your ex has a valid reason for not wanting this new guy around your daughter or not, after 3 months and not even being fully divorced yet, I don't think introducing him to your daughter is a good idea. She needs you right now, and she needs you to not be putting pressure on her to like this new guy in your life - and to a 4 yr old, the mere introduction could be considered pressure. Give everything time to settle before you worry about introducing them.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 2:21 PM on Jul. 19, 2013

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