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2 Bumps

What is the reason behind my husband never being protective of me or having my back?

Even before we were married my husband has never had my back. He is clueless about relations and what they need. He's clueless about women, especially.

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Asked by peopleperson123 at 2:13 AM on Jul. 22, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • It might help if you define for your husband, and maybe for yourself, exactly what you want him to say or do that he isn't now saying or doing. "He doesn't have my back" seems kind of vague. Plus, if he's never had your back, he might not be the type, or he doesn't know what you expect from him.

    Answer by Ballad at 2:21 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • Yet, you married him anyway....

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:46 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • As temperment types go, I know he doesn't have the right temperment for protecting me, or anyone, and he probably never saw it demonstrated in his family. I've talked with him and explained it in very descriptive lanuage, and described by illustrations of a typical situation when I would defend him. An example would be if my parents, or anyone attacks my husband verbally, I respond right away to protect him. He almost never responds to protect me in the same way, and always has some lame excuse to justify it. He doesn't like to make waves, or has some phobia of these situations. The few times he has defended me from his mother's negative (crazy behavior), I praised him many times over the years for it.

    Comment by peopleperson123 (original poster) at 2:51 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • Maybe he doesn't like confrontation and it could be because of something that happened in the past. I hope he eventually understands and that your mother in law calms down.

    Answer by ._Andrea_. at 6:53 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • "I know he doesn't have the right temperment for protecting me, or anyone"

    Well, if you know he doesn't have the temperament for it, what do you expect of him, then? Do you expect him to change who he is to suit your desire for a man who will defend and protect you? What if the situation was reversed and he expected something of you that you just didn't have it in you to give - say, a threesome, or to get a dog when you're allergic?

    It's one thing to expect him to jump to your defense if you know he's capable of it. But you admit that you know he's just not the type to do that. So now it's up to you to adjust your expectations. You're fully capable of defending and protecting yourself, without the help of a man, and it's time for you to do that. Accept that he'll never be that knight in shining armor and that you have to do it for yourself, and let it go. Maybe he'll change on his own someday, but don't try to force it.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:23 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • My DH doesn't protect me either. He act like he is clueless. I just try not to be around his family anymore. Fixed that problem.

    Answer by louise2 at 8:19 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • Are you incapable of having your own back? You knew he was this way when you married him. To expect that a marriage license was going to, in some way, completely change his personality was a little unrealistic.

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:37 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • Why do you need him to defend you? You are capable of doing it on your own. You KNEW going into this he was like this, so what do you really expect now? He isn't going to change just because you got tired of it. You married the man knowing he wouldn't have your back so now you deal with it.

    Answer by kmath at 8:56 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • How many verbal confrontations do you have? I can't imagine that an adult woman, needs "protecting", I am sure that if you were being robbed, or someone was trying to kidnap you he would jump in and defend you. The key to this whole thing is he was this way when you married him, thus he is who he is.
    But I rarely have conflicts with anyone, so I wonder why this is an issue for you.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 8:57 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

  • Why did you marry a man who wasn't everything you wanted?

    Answer by missanc at 10:00 AM on Jul. 22, 2013

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