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5 Bumps

Wanting to leave dh, but can't afford it

Just wondering if any of you have wanted to leave, but coudn't afford it financially? I have got to where I almost hate for him to even touch me. Any of you left the relationship, but had to still live in the same house? Really don't know what to do.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:42 AM on Jul. 24, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • So, separate for a while. Go your own ways until you have the money for the divorce. How long have you been married? What has changed in your relationship & why? Best wishes I hope it all works out for you.

    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 9:56 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • You get a job and save every penny you can. If need be give it to someone you trust to hold on to it for you. It is a lot more expensive to live on your own at first but you can make it. You split things as fairly as possible. You may have to move in with a friend for a few months until you can save enough for your own place and you may be sleeping on an air mattress with very little in the way of furniture but if you really want to leave you can find a way. You will find what really matters in life and what is actually luxuries. (Believe it or not a bed is not necessary but a roof over your head is)
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:18 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • I planned for months to leave. I had been a sahm for 8 years, so I started stashing away small amounts of money - $5 here, $10 there, etc. I had to put it in the pocket of my winter coat in the back of my closet so my ex wouldn't find it. When our tax refund came, I told him I was leaving and wanted 1/2. The bank was happy to split the money, since it was from a joint return. I found an inexpensive place to live and got a job. I made too much to qualify for much assistance but I did get WIC for my youngest and for 4 months I got $42 in food stamps each month. There is more assistance available if you make less. I ended up going back to school (on scholarship, so no loans) and waiting tables part time to support us. After graduating I moved into restaurant management and was making enough to support myself and my 3 kids fairly nicely. It can be done.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 10:27 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • Nothing has really changed. It has been this way for years. Just got to the point that I'm too tired of his crap to put up with it anymore. He treats me like a child instead of his spouse or equal. He is ten years older than me and prior military. not sure if those things has anything to do with how he treats me or not, but I think they do. The kids are getting older, 14, 12 and 10. They can tell we aren't happy and things aren't right. I feel like the kids and I deserve to be happy.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:33 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • Wouldn't marriage counseling be less expensive and who knows, It might even help? It is so sad that families break apart for reasons that could very well be fixed. You don't even have to pay for counseling. Many churches offer it for free. My husband and I do it, and we don't charge a dime. It would be wonderful if someone would write a marriage manual. The truth is that most of us marry with no knowledge of how to be married, but we expect happily ever after. That's not at all the way it works. There are tons of books that can be helpful if the parties are willing to read them and implement the suggestions. You could start with THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr. Gary Chapman.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:56 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • NannyB, he refuses to go to counseling. He says he doesn't need it. I have been going for about a year now. It seems to be helping me, but that is another thing that takes two to be helpful. I am just at the end of my road....
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:11 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • My advice is this- If you do not have a job then go out and find one, and then open up your own bank account and start putting money away for your future. Once you have a job in place or money put aside, then start looking for a place to stay - either somewhere to rent or a family member or friend who can put you and the kids up for a while. I would also contact a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are, and what you are entitled to. Good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 11:30 AM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • You can't afford to STAY.
    Get a job, get a place to live.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:57 PM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • You've been at it for this long, then take a little more time to do as the others have said. Get a job, save your money, retain a lawyer, get all your ducks in a row, and then end it. I've been where you are, but I didn't wait until my kids were older, I wanted it over with before they would remember the split. It was the best thing I ever did. GL, I hope you find the peace, and happiness you deserve. (And no I'm not talking about anything unrealistic, I'm talking about being able to breathe, and not walk on eggshells anymore)....
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 1:36 PM on Jul. 24, 2013

  • I lived for a short time in the same home with my ex husband after we had decided to separate, simply because it took me a few weeks to find a place to go and get my ducks in a row, and it was the most awful three weeks I'd ever spent. Trying to stay in the same house after the relationship is over is brutal on you, and brutal on the dying relationship. A lot of hurtful words were said that wouldn't have ever come out if the two of us weren't trying to exist in the same space. Work on the relationship, like others have said, or start stashing money and then go. But make a clean break if that's what you want to do.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:11 PM on Jul. 24, 2013

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