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stepchildren in their 30s

I don't consider myself a stepmother. I married a man with 2 brats now in their 30s.
Not wanting to take the role of step but as the wife of their father. The couple had problems for years. I did not even know my husband back then. They agreed to separate and have their own life. Not divorcing was a convenient $ decision for them both at the time. When i came into his life, i had been a widow for 2 years. I had 2 young ones 4 and 9. We both had a second chance to love and be loved. We took it. That was 11 years ago. My husband adopted my young ones. But the two 30+ hate our guts, still after 11 years. They treat their parents like dirt. I dont let that happen. Now i learn they hate me and the kids. My husband suffers. I am a loving person. I love everyone. But i just can't love these 2 anymore. To me they are evil. What should I do.

Answer Question
 
Tina12A

Asked by Tina12A at 8:22 PM on Jul. 26, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • If your husband suffers, let HIM deal with them. You stay away. Probably not much of a solution beyond keeping your life as separate from them as possible. I mean, if they're in their 30's, how much contact do you HAVE to have with them?

    :Not wanting to take the role of step but as the wife of their father:

    That was sort of silly, now don't you think?
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:25 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • Dr. Phil just said it's the husband that needs to deal, confront and what have you with his family and the wife to do the same with hers.

    I'm not a fan of him, but this makes sense to me.
    PandaGwen

    Answer by PandaGwen at 8:28 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • Sense they hate you. Tell your DH if he want a relationship with them. Do it away from your life. Your house.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:28 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • If the adult children disrespect both their parents why are they involved so much in the life of you and your husband? He can choose to not deal with them and focus on building a strong family with you and younger children.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 8:33 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • You don't have to love them. Be civil to them, and don't put your husband in the middle.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 8:38 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • Keep out of it. They're not your kids, they have been adults for a while, and while you know the kind of father he is with your kids, you do not know what kind of father he was to them. Just be polite, and then get out of the way (figuratively speaking.) They have to work this out themselves.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 9:07 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • If they hate your collective guts, why do they have any contact with you? What are they getting out of the contact?
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:11 PM on Jul. 26, 2013

  • I don't see why you have to "do" anything. Are you saying that since they hate you, you want to somehow cut them out of your lives? Or have "payback" of some kind?
    I would discourage this.
    You likely don't see much of them, or hear from them much, correct? It sounds to me like rejecting them openly or disowning them would be about "making a point," in response to their attitudes & feelings. Paying them back for their hatred & dislike, essentially "showing them." Why?!?!
    Just let them have their negative feelings & don't assume you have to engage those, defend yourself, OR punish them for not liking you. You don't have to cut them out of your/your husband's life just because you dislike their opinion or feel it's unjustified or unfair. Especially considering these are adult children.
    Go vent somewhere about how terrible they are, how unreasonable & ungrateful they are, how much you would like to openly write them off in return.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:18 PM on Jul. 27, 2013

  • I would be wary of calling them brats or evil. I wonder if there is some way that in your own mind you can re-label them? Maybe as uncooperative or sad or resistant? Giving them such strong negative labels keeps you stuck. People are not the problem. The problem is poor parenting at one time that resulted in these grown kids behaving the way they are. They are stuck as well.

    You could always look for a licensed marriage and family counselor that would meet with all of you, including their birth mom. It could be worth it.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 4:20 PM on Jul. 30, 2013

  • He should visit them else where til things change. I would avoid contact by phone also, let them call him.
    morebee7

    Answer by morebee7 at 10:46 PM on Aug. 8, 2013

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