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how do i get my daughter to understand that i love her she is so hard on me if i fail i am crap if i do right i am still a f up

my daughter is 27 years old i went back to school about 20 years ago and ended up pregnant with her brother i went to work when he was 4 and in school just day time first but i was wrong to do that to try and do good in my job putting pressure on her to help now she is haveing my third grand child i moved out of state to get away from a abuseave relationship but i am doing day work and trying to pay bills and had no money for x-mas for the grandsons so i am a complete looser. i am alone in a nother state and can not get a break

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:51 PM on Feb. 18, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (14)
  • Write her a letter. Tell her that you may have not made the best choices, but that you tried as hard as you chould. Tell her that regardless of what happens in this life, that you love her unconditionally, even if she were to never speak to you again, your love would still stand strong.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 3:53 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Youre going to have to make major changes in your life before shes going to believe you. I would start making those changes then contact her and tell her about the positive steps your making in your life. I would also advise counseling for you because everyone makes mistakes in life and theres no reason to keep beating yourself up about them. You are aware of those mistakes now and can move forward from here but maybe some counseling with someone can help point you in the right direction and show you some resources available in your area. Dont worry about your dd as much as you need to worry about yourself. Your dd is probably just upset having to watch her mother go through things is all.

    Answer by gemgem at 3:56 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • You are doing all you can and are a good mother. She is too hard on you. Look elsewhere for friendship at this time. Be active in a church or other volunteer group. When you work around others of similar interests you will make friends and not feel so alone. Don't base your happiness on your daughter's treatment of you. You know you work hard and have gotten your life together. Step forward now and find activities where you can be around other people. How about volunteering, for example, at a nursing home.

    Answer by Bmat at 3:58 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Wow, there must be alot more history to this story. This normally happens in the teen years then gets better as a daughter reaches womanhood. Most young women still need Mom. You certainly cant change the past. You can just change the future. Not knowing the whole story all I can say is it sounds like you need counseling to help you. Work on yourself right now! Once you have taken care of yourself, you will have an easier time with the relationships around you.

    As for the X-mas thing, I made quilts for my family members this year and told them to get me nothing in return. I have enough! Christmas is not about gift giving! It's for the birth of christ. Try to send handmade cards, maybe a little candy or gum in them if you dont have much money. It's really the thought that counts.

    Hope you are able to pull it togeather and get the help you need, you have to really want things to change, to actually evoke the change.

    Answer by DAWN-10 at 4:24 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Mom - if you're doing your best - you're doing your best. Your daughter may not give you a break until she walks in your shoes (if ever). Next Christmas - bake, or make goodies, and send them. Homemade is always best. Only the people who don't really know what Christmas is for score it by how many presents they get. It hurts, but give her time. That may not be a bridge you want to burn by a harsh word, or gesture. Your daughter should remember that too.

    Answer by BetsyAD at 6:41 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • Live your life for yourself. I do NOT buy for grandkids or kids for birthdays or xmas. I realized they don't appreciate it anyway. What I do is when we are together I give them my time. That's it. I live in another state from most of my grandkids, too. We can only do what we can do. If they expect more then that is their problem. Your background of an abusive relationship tells me that you carry left over guilt. Let it go. The kids are reared. Don't let them abuse you and drag you back into guilt. Be happy. You only have one life. Live it and live it well. Be confident. Have high self esteem and pride in everything you do. Pass that on to your grandkids. They will appreciate it more later in life than a doll or a game.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:35 PM on Feb. 18, 2009

  • I always use the Weight Watcher moto for me and that is - Every day is a new beginning, we might fail at something or take a couple of steps backwards, but you can always start new tomorrow!!!!! That is what you need to do, start again, don't blame yourself for your past mistakes, grow from them, it might take your daughter a while to believe the change, but in time things will work out, you were able to go into a new area, my advice to make friends is to go to a local church on Sunday. And be paitient it might take a couple of times but there will be someone there that will come to you and welcome you, that is your chance to meet new people and start new. Good luck to you and the best to your family and the situation you are in!!!

    Answer by Kenzisgram at 7:03 AM on Feb. 19, 2009

  • Well, the Mom/daughter relationship is one of the most intriguing, most difficult, most challenging and yet the most rewarding relationship known to mankind! =D With that said, there seems to be a lot more to this story than you are sharing. Your daughter may have resentments, anger and bitterness towards you for her growing up. Usually all the mess between Mom and daughter happens during the teen years, but it changes when they are adults and especially changes when the daughter herself becomes a Mom. As a victor over domestic violence myself, I suggest you receive counseling. Being in an abusive relationship sucks the very life out of you and you need to see that you are not worthy of anyone treating you abusively. It is a long hard journey to overcome, get involved with a local battered women's shelter that helps with counseling and group counseling is immensely helpful. As with your daughter, (continued)


    Answer by blessed5x at 9:17 AM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • (contined), she may have felt like she was the parent and forced to grow up faster than she thought was right. Abused woman go from one abusive relationship to another and keep going around the same mountain until they are healed. Perhaps that is what you did throughout her growing up and she resents you for that. Abusive women do not understand the magnitude of emotional damage it has on our children, especially our daughters. They learn by example and what you were teaching her may have damaged her emotionally. Do as I did with my oldest daughter. I poured out my heart to her, I asked for her forgiveness, and for a new slate. We have always been close, but she had some major resentment issues towards me for all the crap she had to endure with seeing me be abused, her being collateral damage and having to suffer because of my ex's, though it didn't last only from age 15 - 17, it was hard to see (continued)


    Answer by blessed5x at 9:23 AM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • (continued) her hurting and suffering because of my poor choices in men! However, I have always asked for forgiveness, she saw me become strong and secure, she saw me no longer be in fear, and now I am with my now hubby and am very happy. We have been through hell and back together, she is now 22 and we are the very best bestest friends! I am so proud that God allowed me to be her Mom! So, talk to her, perhaps in a letter, reach out to her, ask for her forgiveness. As for the Christmas presents for your grandsons, well, that just might be a symptom of the deeper issue. Though I believe, it doesn't matter who bad off you are, you could go to the dollar store, spend about $5 each and put together a couple of neat packages so that it is the thought. When I got married to my first hubby, a second cousin of mine, who is dirt poor, sent me a neat wedding card with a 5 dollar bill, you know, that gift meant more to (continued)

    Answer by blessed5x at 9:28 AM on Feb. 20, 2009

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