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Sibling problems and 9 year old with attitude and negativity problems, HELP!

I am having issues with my almost 9 year old step daughter. She is with us 4 days a week. I also have a 2 and a half year old daughter of my own. The 9 year old has just been babied and spoiled like crazy all her life and I think it’s starting to take a toll since she has to share attention with her 2.5 old sister. She is acting up alllll the time and has truly annoying behavior just trying to gain more attention. She purposely does stuff all the time just to make her sister mad, she rips toys out of her hand, will shove her out of the way of something if I’m not looking (which I am she just thinks I’m not), and the latest is she is literally telling me she can’t stand having a sister and that her life is ruined now because she has a sister. Just yesterday, I spent 4 hours alone with my step daughter, we laughed, talked, gossiped, sang songs together, and cleaned her whole room spotless together, well later on in the day we all went to an arcade together as a family, we were all together playing games, and then it was her sisters turn to play a game she was playing too and she goes god this would be so much more fun if SOMEONE wasn’t here. I said okay who would that someone be, and she goes BROOKLYN, all she does is whine and it’s no fun when Shes around, it would be much better if she wasn’t here. Keep in mind that the 2 year old was doing NOTHING wrong, she was being very well behaved and not whining and we were all just playing together so why on earth did she feel the need to talk like that about my daughter. I take the 9 year old all the time to do things alone, we go shopping and shell get things that the 2 year old doesn’t. I mean I’ve been making a very conscious effort with the 9 year old to do things alone with her, to give her space if she needs space, but her negativity and attitude lately about everything is going to drive me over the edge. This is the same girl also this weekend who told her grandma that she has NOTHING and that I get rid of all her stuff because I was having a garage sale and got rid of maybe 20 of the 100 stuffed animals she has, and her room is completely full of toys and crap, she wouldn’t have room for anything new in there if we tried, I can’t get her new stuff if we don’t get rid of some of the old! She also told her she just had no friends which is sooo far from the truth as well.. I mean I just don’t get why she is soooo negative and everything is just POOR ME all the time! Is this normal! Am I doing everything wrong?!

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stepmom2B29

Asked by stepmom2B29 at 12:13 PM on Jul. 29, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • its probably normal 9 year old behavior coupled with the situation. it sounds like you get her more than her mom does, correct? what's her mom like? what's the relationship like between you & her mom?

    i think all you can do is continue exactly what you're doing. keep making that conscious effort to do things alone with both of your children and let the 9 year old know there is consequences for bad behavior, like x privilege gets taken away for y amount of time, something like that. it's probably a phase she'll grow out of.

    what is your husband's involvement with your stepdaughter? does she get alone time with him ever? how does he handle the way she treats your 2 year old?
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 12:24 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Her Mom and I get along great now. No issues as far as thats concerned. She probably babies her a lot more than i would think is nessessary, but cant do anything about that, its thier child... My husband could take on more of a role with his own daughter because i feel like im the one dealing with her allll the time, and im the one that goes out of my way to try and do nice things for her and with her, but once again what am i to do, i cant make him want to spend more time with her or take her to do more. he has to want it himself and ultimatly its HIS responsibility and not mine! Also i take back about the 2 year old daughter being my own.... shes our daughter together not that it makes a difference, but just wanted to note that. He just doesnt seem to think any of this is a big deal. He obviously DID think it was a big deal because he and her mom started taking her to a theripist because they both agreed her behavior is
    stepmom2B29

    Comment by stepmom2B29 (original poster) at 1:01 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • just rediculous most of the time, but then after about a month they decided it was a waste becasue the therepist wasent doing anything but playing games with her all the time and what not so they took her out...
    stepmom2B29

    Comment by stepmom2B29 (original poster) at 1:02 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • So they pulled her out of therapy when the therapist was still trying to figure out what was going on with her? That is why therapists play games with kids.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 1:55 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Sounds like her Diva attitude needs a major adjustment, and some tough love. If she wants to complain about not having ANYTHING in her room, then oblige her by removing EVERYTHING except a mattress on the floor and a dresser for clothes. If she wants to complain about not having any friends, then she can spend all day in her room with no friends. If she starts pitching a fit about the 2 year old being around, then y'all go straight home and she can be in her room without the 2 year old around her.

    See the pattern here?

    Yes, she's been spoiled. And, she still IS being spoiled. It's good that you're making an effort to give her one-on-one time. If she's going to be a little snot when the 2 year old is around, she needs to be disciplined for that too. If she acts like a 2 year old, TREAT her like a 2 year old.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 2:00 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • I was going to suggest counseling because it sounds like she's having some major issues with all the life changes. It may seem like the divorce, remarriage, added sibling took course over an acceptable period of time to you, but to her at 9 years old it's all happening very quickly. I would take her back to the counselor and look into family counseling for all of you. This isn't just her problem, it's a family problem and needs to be addressed as such. Blended families take a lot more work than most people realize (this coming from someone who grew up in a blended family and has one of my own)!
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:09 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Treat her like the 2 year old. That's how she's acting.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:13 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • First, try to talk your husband into getting the girl back in counseling. Play therapy is often used to help kids process their feelings and talk about what is bothering them.

    Second, I agree, the diva attitude has to go. When she starts griping about the two-year-old, she gets to go sit out away from the little one for a bit, if the little one isn't doing anything to antagonize her.

    Third, try everything you can to get your husband spending more time with his kids. I know how hard it is. Men haven't been raise to think it's important. I've busted my butt setting up family things we can do and pushing my boyfriend to read bedtime stories and take our daughter to the park, but it really does pay off.

    And last, a question. When you sold some of the stuffed animals, did the girl get to pick out which ones to give up? It may not seem like much to you, but having control over her possessions is big stuff to a kid.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:20 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • She is playing the victim, this can develop into a personality disorder unless it is resolved. You could try combating negative comments with the opposite like This would be better if someone wasn't hear you can say Wow I was thinking the opposite, this is so much fun with all of us here. And also you could stop doing stuff alone and say This is so much more fun to shop with all three of us. She is fishing for approval on feeling like she is the favorite one try to keep pointing out that you enjoy both kids and she will soon drop the fishing act. Good luck

    pinkparcel

    Answer by pinkparcel at 2:32 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • yeah, a month is too soon to stop therapy, and it isn't enough time to "heal" or "cure" a person. infact the therapist was probably only beginning to scratch the surface. she probably should go back if her parents want to really get down to the surface of her issues. and i agree that family counseling would be beneficial here.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 2:49 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

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