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2 Bumps

Do guys take a class on this?

It just seems like men find my buttons and then continue to push them until I either push back or dissolve in a puddle of tears. Days like today, I just want to swear off men altogether.
Sure I will get lonely, but those feelings will pass, right?

The man that I have been seeing for almost 3 yrs decided today to make me feel like crap. We decided that next summer we are moving in together, then saving up money so we can get married and possibly buy a house. He got all upset because there are no plans being made. What does he expect? I'm not moving until next July (nearly a year away). It's way too soon to be looking for a job there, looking for a place there or anything. I keep asking him what he wants, what he is expecting me to do and he has no answers. Just keeps saying "I'm giving up having kids for you. Why can't you just meet my demands?"

I'm so close to telling him if he wants kids so bad, he should go find someone that can give him them. I CAN'T and frankly, I'm too old to start over and just plain don't want to. My oldest will be 18 in January and my youngest will be 13 in January. Tell me WHY I would want to start over?

 
tempsingl3mom

Asked by tempsingl3mom at 7:51 PM on Jul. 29, 2013 in Relationships

Level 26 (27,595 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • Two things stand out:

    1. He keeps bringing up that he's "giving up having kids for you." This is a really bad sign, in my book. Anyone who feels they're giving something that big up for someone else is bound to feel resentment later, and the fact that he's bringing it up repeatedly, right now, tells me he already feels some resentment, even if he's not able to admit to himself right now.

    2. He keeps wanting you to "meet my demands", but apparently he's not telling you what they are (unless you're so dense that he is and you just don't get it, but you don't strike me as being all that dense). Anyone who wants you to meet their demands, but refuses to tell you bluntly and clearly exactly what those demands are, is not going to do well in a relationship.

    I won't say that you should break up, but I definitely think a deep, long conversation about what you're both expecting is in order.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:17 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Maybe he's just not Mr. Right. If you don't want kids and he really does, it could create a lot of resentment later on, especially if he's holding it over your head that he's "giving up having kids for you". Very big, bright red flag, in my opinion. An what plans are you supposed to make now for a move next summer? That doesn't even make sense.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 7:55 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Just keeps saying "I'm giving up having kids for you.

    You have to ask yourself if he is saying this now and you don't live together what will he be saying a few years from now.
    DJDNY

    Answer by DJDNY at 7:55 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Sounds like he has lingering resentments over you not having kids together and this is something you guys really need to talk about because he is obviously not ok with not having kids like he may have thought or as he is leading you to believe. You need to get this sorted out before you uproot your whole life to be with him and definitely before he wedding. Good Luck
    cassie_kellison

    Answer by cassie_kellison at 8:00 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Best to cut this one loose ~
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 7:58 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • The other ladies have given great advice.. Sounds like trouble may be brewing or will very soon... Before you make the move, I think some things need to be worked out.. If your goals and his do not match ie: children, this could pose a huge problem. If he really wants children of his own and you are done, I think walking away might be the best.

    I don't blame you at all for not wanting to start all over again re: babies but at the same time, he should not have to give up his want/need for children of his own either.
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 8:16 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • Deciding on having children or not is a big deal breaker & it sounds like this could be it. I know it sucks & sure you will be sad & upset for a while. But better to find out now, than after you've moved & started making a life w/ him. And the whole "Why can't you just meet my demands?" comment he made would've been met with "how about I demand you to bend over & kiss my a**"! He sounds a bit controlling. You can do better. They don't all act like a**holes! GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 8:06 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • How often is he around your children if he doesn't want any and wants a lifestyle that does not involve kids?? I'm not doubting your love for him but once you are in the same house or city, things may be very different from what they are now.
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 8:35 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • I have nothing nice to say, so I won't say anything.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:19 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

  • The thing is he is 31 and doesn't really want kids anyway. He doesn't like kids (the fact that he is dating a woman with 3 kids still puzzles me) and the lifestyle that he wants does not involve kids. The only reason he keeps throwing that in my face is because he knows it is a sore spot with me that I can't give him kids.

    I love this man and we really do make a good team. I know he is just frustrated because it's been almost 3 yrs and we have been watching friends and co-workers get married and have kids. While we are still living in different cities. Plus, he is quitting smoking and doing quite well.
    tempsingl3mom

    Comment by tempsingl3mom (original poster) at 8:30 PM on Jul. 29, 2013

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