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2 Bumps

Odd?!

When my boyfriend and I would get into arguments,I would cry because I am very sensetive . Sometimes, which is usually not ever the case he wold try to console me. But most of the time, he doesn't. It's like he doesn't feel a thing when I cry? I expected men to hold you, or feel bad when you cry. Today we got ino a pity argument , and I started crying out of frustration, I don't know if he noticed or not, but my eyes were a little poofy and red. Then tonight, I started crying because I couldn't take my sons behavior anymore, again, I don't know if he knew I was crying, but he looked at me around the time I finished. I'm sure my face and nose was still red.

Would this cause a strain in our relationship? How can he not try to console me when in crying? I find that a bit odd.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:30 AM on Aug. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • If you are crying at every little thing he will become kind of numb to it, and not acknowledge it. If you are crying when you argue he's not going to turn off the argument and suddenly be like oh poor you... it's just not going to happen. Guys just don't react well to over sensitivity.
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 3:38 AM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • A lot of men think that tears are just a way of manipulating them and so do not respond to them. If you want him to hold you and console you then TELL him so! He's not a mind reader.
    goldpandora

    Answer by goldpandora at 4:45 AM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • Honestly a man that makes you feel bad about being sad or crying is not a man. You are entitled to your feelings always. My ex husband use to do that to me too. Interesting enough when it came to him crying I needed to comfort him and make him feel better. His tears were so confined and seemed fake, just to mantipulate me. I would be careful with any guy making you feel bad for crying and having feelings. ANd especially if he lacks empathy and emotion. It's like he doesn't care.
    Sillylins

    Answer by Sillylins at 9:09 AM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • I agree with Crafty, he can't console you everytime you cry because then that would be ALL he is doing. He isn't going to stop an argument just because you start to cry. You really need to work on controlling that.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 9:58 AM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • I, personally, find constant crying so annoying. I agree with Kmath and Crafty both; you need to learn to rein it in a little and you need to realize that he will just tune it out because you're always in a state
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 10:23 AM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • It's like the "little boy who cried wolf" story. Read it, I just read it to my Son. Gets the point across I think. Anything in excess is not a good thing.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:09 PM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • If you're crying at a funeral, that would be a non-console offense.
    If you're crying because the corner of your toaster strudel didn't get icing, you should probably seek help.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:25 PM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • Crying too much, talking too much, joking too much, after a while if you do anything all the time it will just get tuned out.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:41 PM on Aug. 1, 2013

  • I, personally, don't expect to be "consoled" when I cry. I do wish to be taken seriously, like my feelings matter. I appreciate responsiveness to me. But I know (and I hope my partner knows!!) that I'm responsible for my feelings; they aren't his "fault." Even if I'm upset with him, upset about something he said/did, or feeling hurt (etc.), he didn't "make me" cry or "make me" feel bad. It's also not his responsibility to make me feel better!

    I do think it's a lot easier for someone to be able to be present to someone else's feelings if they (the SO) don't feel responsible for the feelings, or for "making them better." Chances are your SO avoids acknowledging your tears because he has expectations of himself, or believes you have expectations, and he feels helpless to MEET those expectations. It's not a great way to feel, and it drives MAJOR avoidance & disconnect!
    NOT feeling that way frees up presence, empathy & caring.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:13 AM on Aug. 2, 2013

  • Just saw this again! I don't think crying is bad (it's actually good, physiologically--tears that happen for emotional reasons have stress hormones in them, unlike tears that happen because you got an irritant in your eye or poked your eye, so it is a literal stress relief, and a healthy impulse.) Sounds like you've cried at stressful times, from frustration & overwhelm. Makes sense! But it sounds like you rely a lot on assumptions & guesses, rather than being open & direct.
    I think taking responsibility for your emotions is important. So rather than thinking that he should notice that you were crying & should respond in some correct/appropriate way, then being upset when disappointed, I'd think more about noticing how you feel/what you want & communicating about it. Owning your feelings could mean acknowledging you were crying & why. Sharing feelings. "When my son acts that way I don't feel very competent. That hurts. " etc.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:17 PM on Aug. 4, 2013

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