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3 Bumps

My mom is going through a mid-life crisis !!

I have always been very close with my mom, but it is to the point to where it is hard to be around her, and hard to trust her to be alonbe around my kids..... When I am around her it feels like I am babysitting a teenager !

When I was growing up she was the "all american mom" ... She stayed at home, took care of the house and did all kinds of stuff with me and my brother ... her idea of going out was going out of town to the big grocery store and then having lunch overlooking the river ( she always said that, that was her most favorite thing to do and of course I never understood the joy of grocery shopping alone until I became a mom ) ...

I mean I understand that now that my brother and I are grown with kids of our own, that she should be able to do what she wants ...But it is out of hand that I am scared something will actually happen to her.

It started about 5 years ago ( when I was pregnant with her second grandchild) ... she got a boyfriend ( while still married and living with my dad ) ... She knew the guy from when she was a kid, but he had just got out of jail, was known to do drugs and lived wherever he could find.

My mom tried to hide him from my dad but then tried to say it didnt matter because my dad was too busy working or doing other things... this went on - off & on for these last 5 years.

NOW in the past 6 months or so it has gotten out of hand, she did stop talking to him but now she is finding men online.... she has been with several men, going to meet them whereever they want and obviously doing "whatever" with them .... she talks about it like it is no big deal. She did leave my dad a few weeks ago ( moved into my grandmas spare bedroom) , but is leading him on to think she will come back - he has been making special dates with her, even calling me so I can explain how to make certain foods for her ... he has no idea what she is doing.

It is not just the men but that is a big part of it........ She goes out every weekend, she constantly is texting- even when driving ( which is why it old her i dont want my kids in the vehicle with her )... even at my daughters birthday last week in all of the photos, my mom is in the background of all of them on her phone !

She even is talking like a teen and dressing like a teen !

I dont know what to do, anyone that has tried to talk to her she gets mad and refuses to believe that anything is wrong ......

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:19 PM on Aug. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I've been drinking- so here is a bump. I hope you get some helpful advice.

    Answer by feralxat at 9:40 PM on Aug. 6, 2013

  • Sadly, she'll probably have to figure this one out for herself, probably the hard way. People don't often see the error of their ways till they fall flat on their asses. The only thing you really have control over is whether you choose to enlighten your dad or not.

    Answer by Ballad at 9:54 PM on Aug. 6, 2013

  • Google "sexual addiction". This sounds like a friend of mine who is a SA. Not fun - and they can be very sneaky.

    Answer by KPBMom at 10:19 PM on Aug. 6, 2013

  • It does sound like there may be a medical problem going on, too. It's worth contacting her doctor with your concerns.

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:51 PM on Aug. 6, 2013

  • Somehow I doubt that your dad does not know and if he really is in the dark, I think you need to tell him. If she is really with all of these strange men and he should happen to have sex with her, he could end up with a disease. How wonderful would that be. If she wants her freedom, he should also not have to support her any longer. Fair is fair.

    I am wondering how young sh was when she got married and became a mother and what he childhood was like.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:02 PM on Aug. 6, 2013

  • This kind of thing is emotional at core. It sounds like your mom has been out of touch with herself for a lot of years. And now she's reacting to that, even though the life she lived was something she bought into. This is the backlash for years of repressing her actual feelings & reactions, and losing herself (her Self) in taking care of other people.
    She is not the only person who didn't manage to have & maintain healthy boundaries & personal limits that honored her as a separate individual in close relationship with others. Emotional enmeshment is a COMMON issue! Probably her personal limits weren't even recognized, let alone honored or protected, when she was a child. We all do our best with the degree of differentiation we managed to obtain in our families of origin, before we "launched."
    This behavior vividly illustrates what the term "acting out" means. Sadly, it signals important hurts & lacks but doesn't address them.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:08 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • As far as "what to do," I recommend that you have your OWN limits based on responding to your feelings & concerns. So if you don't trust her to drive your children places, please don't let her do it. Make it about your feelings/fears; just own that you have reservations ("founded" or not) and are responding constructively to them--taking responsibility for them--by not allowing certain situations.
    I wouldn't recommend trying to change her behavior by making appeals, talking to her to "get her to see," etc. She is reacting TO feeling over-controlled & leveraged by "what everyone else thinks" or "what people might think." Her reaction is valid! (We all deserve to be intrinsically motivated, not externally controlled.) Exerting the same form of pressure/control she's reacting to is NOT helpful because it perpetuates the underlying causes!
    Tell her your feelings & concerns (as personal feedback) & honor her autonomy & sovereignty.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:21 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I think anyone's best hope of pulling that off is to get support and to feel heard!! You can't stuff your anxiety, alarm, disappointment, anger, embarrassment, hurt, etc. and genuinely pull off "honoring her personal autonomy." Your best hope is to get enough support that you CAN let go of the impulse to take charge.
    I think she badly needs help/support, and that stepping outside of the usual methods of controlling/influencing someone emotionally is an important way to respond constructively.

    It sounds heartbreaking & really challenging. Best wishes. Just remember it is driven by profound hurt, and it's an attempt to act FOR herself (it just illustrates how her "self" is outside herself, hence the focus on how others see her, and give her a feeling of meaning/value/desirability. And the focus on clothes--acting & dressing for affirmative attention, trying to gain a sense of self.) It's distorted but still positive in impulse.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:31 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I would be curious is she is on certain anti depressants and other medications for depression and/or anxiety. These can sometimes make the libido get out of hand and also lower inhibition. If she is on any type of medication, I would look it up and find out the side effects. Then it is up to you to decide what to do.

    Answer by lilangilyn at 4:03 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • Encourage her to get whatever medical help she needs and keep check on her welfare.

    Answer by morebee7 at 9:58 PM on Aug. 8, 2013

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