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3 Bumps

My 32 yr. old daughter ( only child also) cut me out of her life, how do I start over ?

My daughter and I have been very close until she was about 28. We paid for her divorce then find out she had been seeing her old high school love. Now this is a child I spoiled, she was my one and only. I started having lots of very serious health issues and just 6 weeks before was in a coma and almost died. Now this is a kid that sat on her butt and never lifted a finger to help. She would stay away to keep from helping her Dad take care of me and the housework. Everyone told me I would regret not making her help out and they were so right. She stayed overnight with him whenever she wanted leaving us to tend to 5 indoor cats. I finally try to lay down some rules and she calls me horrible 4 letter names so I tell her she has to go. After cooling off I try to call and she blocks me, then 7 mths go by and we try to work it out but it blows up after a couple mths. She tells me its over she wants me out of her life. Crushed.

 
loborena

Asked by loborena at 3:08 AM on Aug. 7, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (23 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I just wanted to tell you that i'm sorry. But i've seen this so many times when children are so spoiled they turn out to be entitled little brats that turn into entitled lilttle bitches. I'm really sorry you are going through this and I wish I had advice for you. The one thing you can do is try and helps others making the same mistakes when not raising their children with accountability. Don't get me wrong, no one is a perfect parent and we all learn from our mistakes. You in no way deserve this at all!
    mlmsm928

    Answer by mlmsm928 at 11:41 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • There is nothing you can do about her. It takes 2 people who want it to have a relationship. If I were you, I would busy myself volunteering and helping some folks who will appreciate your efforts.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:54 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • How you respond to this makes a difference. Think about responding with respect for her wishes & boundaries. Just because you honor a decision & a limit as if it stands for all time, does not mean that it WILL stand for all time. That doesn't mean it WILL change, just that how you respond to each moment is key in shaping how future moments develop.
    It sounds like your daughter resisted your attempts to influence her when you were surprised & disappointed to learn "new" information about her marriage/divorce situation (after paying for the divorce) and when you didn't like her decisions or behavior around pursuing the relationship she'd started.
    Ultimately you addressed your own personal limits (around the cats, etc.) by trying to establish some rules or guidelines for her living with you, and she didn't like it. You responded to her anger by having her leave, which she did. She is angry. "Done." Try to respond optimally. GL.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:14 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • So "starting over" is in part, a continuation of mom-ness. Start by trying to be a good mom in response to your adult child's feelings & decisions, by respecting her autonomy. Don't make it about defending yourself or trying to get her to see your side, or understand where you were/are coming from. Make it about responding to this moment, this reality, in a way that actually LETS her have her thoughts or feelings (even if you believe them to be wrong, unreasonable, unfair) and honors her as a separate person. Even though it hurts.

    This is so constructive.

    "Okay. I want you to know am always here. But I respect your decision & your desire for space/distance."
    That kind of thing.

    Feel your feelings & begin to proceed in life, just being a person. Maybe a person who hurts or doesn't feel a sense of meaning. Go through that, BE that person, live, grow. Turning toward pain instead of engaging in a flight from feeling is healing!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:18 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • Make sure she knows you will be their for her. Then leave her alone. Go on with your life.
    I have 2 DD's that have done this to me.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:54 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • That's rough. Fighting w/ your kids sucks. Hopefully if you give her time to cool down, she'll come around. But I would not put up w/ the verbal abuse, just for the sake of contact w/ her. You're her mother & she should have enough respect to be civil with you. GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:55 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • You can't force yourself into her life. I like others suggested. Busy yourself with something to do, but also, let her know you are there. I'd send a birthday card and any holiday cards you might send, but I wouldn't write long notes, just something short to let her know you are thinking of her.
    ChasingBridges

    Answer by ChasingBridges at 8:11 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • There is nothing much you can do, like the others said, you can't force her into your life & it takes 2 people to want to have a relationship & work at it. I would just send her birthday cards and such just to let her know you still love her & thinking of her.
    My husband has 3 adult kids by his previous marriage (two of which are his bio kids & one is his ex-step-daughter, he played dad to while growing up because her real dad was not in the picture.
    They won't call or come around, they talk trash about him & put him down. He has had to learn to let it go, he says he can't force them to come around or call, he wouldn't want the drama that would go along with that. The step-son is talking to him now, but he is in prison for a long time, we all doubt he will stay in contact with us when he gets out. The older step-daughter has not talked to dad in over 20 yrs. although she will speak and say hi in public when we run into her
    borichfan

    Answer by borichfan at 9:08 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • " Everyone told me I would regret not making her help out and they were so right"

    No, they weren't. She would have cut you off earlier. The root cause of this was a long long time ago, with the admitted spoiling. It can't be undone, so no more looking back. LOOK FORWARD.

    GirlwithC's advice is dead on. FOLLOW IT.

    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:56 AM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I would let go and let God. Keep yourself busy, stand your ground, and demand respect.
    morebee7

    Answer by morebee7 at 10:10 PM on Aug. 8, 2013

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