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5 Bumps

Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter - TL:DOread

I know probably 80% of you have already seen this but I'm behind the curve and thought it was hilarious so I'll share it here:

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Answer Question
 
Mrs_Prissy

Asked by Mrs_Prissy at 6:07 PM on Aug. 7, 2013 in Just for Fun

Level 34 (65,487 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

    You know the video I sent you the other day of the guy losing it and pretending to be drunk? He's a soccer coach :p
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 6:20 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • "You know the video I sent you the other day of the guy losing it and pretending to be drunk? He's a soccer coach :p"

    Dannnnnng, you're right.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Comment by Mrs_Prissy (original poster) at 6:25 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • Thank you for sharing. I had not seen this.
    ChasingBridges

    Answer by ChasingBridges at 6:29 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • love it
    hadn't seen it!
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 6:37 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I love it. I think that was in her book. It was so good.
    mompam

    Answer by mompam at 8:50 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • That was a joy to read. Thank you; I hadn't come across it yet.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:26 AM on Aug. 8, 2013

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