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2 Bumps

Is it too much to ask?

I have 3 children, and one of my step daughters lives with us. She is 17 now. Since we got married we have had to deal with her having an inappropriate conversation with my (then 12) son about her sexual history, and desire to have her boyfriends baby. That got swept under the rug as my son "misunderstood". A year later, she brings marijuana in our home and offers it to him! He told his sister, and I found out. No punishment given. Two months ago we find out she is pregnant, and I'm sure she planned it! My husband is currently unemployed and I am only temping. All I have asked for is a little help around the house, or at least keep your room clean. I have been patient with her. We have been married 1 1/2 years. I cleaned her room once and was told it was an invasion of privacy. Now, a year later she has yet to "clean" it. Clean clothes go in the dirty hamper to avoid putting them away. Yesterday she started her senior year of high school with a half eaten apple on the floor (brown) popsicle sticks, caprisuns, wrappers, receipts, chewed up gum on the dresser, clothes all over with no drawers organized. I honestly want to help her get it together! I spent 3 hours cleaning her room to have my husband come home and majorly flip out on me for doing it. She doesn't have a job, and has no responsibilities around here. I feel like he is constantly protecting her, making excuses for her, instead of having any expectations. If you expect "nothing", that's what you're gonna get. I feel discounted and ineffective! Not to mention, her plans of moving in with her boyfriends family will very likely fail with no job or ambition to help out. Then she ends up back here with the baby. Do we then try to implement some rules? UGH!

Answer Question

Asked by hishighest at 9:37 PM on Aug. 7, 2013 in Parenting Debate

Level 6 (107 Credits)
Answers (22)
  • I wish I knew what to tell you. This is why I would never consider a relationship with a man that already had kids... but I knew I didn't want that before I let it happen.

    Answer by m-avi at 9:42 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • He needs to step up and she needs some rules- NO food in the bedroom, otherwise I'd leave her room be...she has to live in it- as long as she picks up her stuff in the rest of the house
    sorry to say, but not having any consequencces to previous things has led to this and at this point with her being 17 and now pregnant- you'll be lucky to get her to change

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:44 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • If she wants to move with her bf's family and they will accept her, let her go.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:45 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • so charlotsomtimes, I have tried not to "parent" her, and let her father do the disciplining. He hasn't done it. You think I should just let her be? Have no rules, and let it go until December when she turns 18 and moves out? My boys see that she does nothing, why should they? They saw that she got no punishment for smoking weed. What does that teach them? I'm so frustrated.

    Comment by hishighest (original poster) at 10:06 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I also will add.....Stay with your first spouse! Blending is nearly impossible, and ALL relationships are work!

    Comment by hishighest (original poster) at 10:08 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • You have two problems, the biggest of which is your DH. You have to be a united front as to the house rules or there should be consequences. If you threaten and then fail to follow through then you teach her that you are not prepared to punish her. I would tell my DH that he gets with the program and discuss and decide things with you or he can leave. As for her, I would remove her door and tell her she can have it back when she gets her shit together. I would want her room clean, she must do her own laundry, and she needs to have a written plan and budget for when the baby comes. I would make her go to the social service offices and apply for whatever assistance she needs to help her get her crap together. If she didn't like it, then she could leave and go to her mother's house.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:18 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I take it you did not discuss any of this BEFORE you got married?

    No it is not too much to ask BUT you need to hand him the trash can and tell him to do it. This is his daughter and he needs to man up.

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:22 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • We discussed lots of things, like we aren't to be the disciplinarians to our step children. We were supposed to communicate before decisions are made. He thinks it's too late to teach her anything, so he does nothing but wait til she turns 18 and she's out? We obviously didn't plan for THIS! And didn't foresee any of it! ...And thanks QuinnMae- like your style! lol

    Comment by hishighest (original poster) at 10:31 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • Seriously, if you don't drastically take control of your household soon, I predict you will be back in about 8 months posting about raising your grandchild (or at least being expected to babysit while she goes out and parties), her not contributing to the cost of raising her child and your husband still not doing anything about it. You think it's hard to get her to step in line now, you just wait until she has way more responsibility than she can handle and leaves it all fall on your shoulders. NOW is the time. Not tomorrow or next week, or when she turns 18. Now.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:39 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

  • I totally agree! But I already said to my husband "She and Austin are NOT living here"! He isn't even speaking to me! I feel I've already demolished relationships just by cleaning her room. I invaded her personal space! I also found a condom and pipe thing! Maybe that's why he's pissed because she looks guilty and he's protecting her? I don't know! He basically said to me that "I have no say in the conditions in which his children will reside"! His loyalty is obviously with her

    Comment by hishighest (original poster) at 10:48 PM on Aug. 7, 2013

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