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Marriage Counseling Does it Work?

Related to Am I wrong? question.

Over the last few years my DH and I have been having some trouble with our marriage. My DH has untreated ADHD, depression and anxiety. I have been helping him with his mental illness for years and now I am finally tired of being strong for him and I am trying to regain more of who I was. He always complains that I am not the woman that he married, but he doesn't let me be me. He wants me to be a female version of him and that isn't who or what I want to be. He gets angry and tries to blame me for his problems instead of owning his own faults. Every time he gets angry about me going out without him I feel like he doesn't trust me even though I have never given him a cause to not trust me. If I don't disclose every detail the very first time we talk about it and then if I learn more and tell him he acts like I was trying to hide it from him.

So tired of being not trusted, would marriage counseling actually work or should I just get out now?

Answer Question
 
amandajoy21

Asked by amandajoy21 at 8:19 PM on Aug. 12, 2013 in Relationships

Level 20 (9,553 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Marriage Counseling can work but both parties have to be willing to see their own personal issues that are causing the strife. If he is willing to accept that part of the problem is caused by him, there is a chance. For me, counseling showed me I was with the wrong man so it "worked" to guide me to a better life.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:36 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • How about getting professional treatment for his illnesses/ disorders?
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 8:45 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • Marriage counseling will help, if both of you are willing to accept that you have problems and contribute to the problems - even you, even though you might not be contributing as much or in the same way he does.

    What will help more, I think, is if he gets treatment (whether therapy or medication) for his ADHD, depression and anxiety. All of those things, but depression and anxiety in particular, can cloud your thinking and make you see things very differently from the way they actually are. If he can start getting treated for those, that might help him realize that you're not deceiving him or doing anything wrong, and that might do more to help things than counseling.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:52 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • He was but his counselor says that they are under control and I can't convince him that his illnesses are causing a problem in our marriage. My DH has always been able to manipulate the situation so that they are talking about everything but what he is really their for.
    amandajoy21

    Comment by amandajoy21 (original poster) at 8:53 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • I think it could in some situations but it didn't in mine and it doesn't sound like your dh would really be open to it
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 9:00 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • You can't FIX him. If you're not happy, get out. Why waste years being miserable?
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:18 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • I'd be GONE.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:57 PM on Aug. 12, 2013

  • Marriage counseling can help if both parties are interested, but even if it doesn't save the relationship, it can sometimes turn a crash landing into a controlled descent and spare both partners a lot of pain in the breakup.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:29 AM on Aug. 13, 2013

  • It's worth a try before giving up. GL
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 6:44 AM on Aug. 13, 2013

  • I think marriage counseling definitely is worth a try. Especially if you are at the point of "would marriage counseling actually work or should I just get out now?"

    It sounds like both of you have grievances & if you're lucky, you'll be able to work with a person who can see you as two interesting, compelling people with many reasons to want to be together, and several things that are causing pain & making it difficult to be together. Maybe you will be able to see each other that way, too, with time & a compassionate third party helping to facilitate your communications. You may gain insight into why each of you persists with a particular angle that frustrates the other, and with that insight could come compassion & understanding. And hearing from the other person (learning the impact on the partner), along with increased self-understanding, could lead to certain personal changes.

    These things are the reasons it can work.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:52 PM on Aug. 13, 2013

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