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Apparently my "father" is very ill.

Only reason I know is that his "step"-daughter(he considers her his not a step) posted for prayers for him online(FB) and I responded(positively). She messaged me to fill me in. I guess he has developed a seizure disorder and fell and hit his head and now has a brain hemorage. He also had surgery a few days ago for several blood clots(two near his heart) which probably explains the hemorage as I'm sure he is on blood thinners.

I told her I hope he gets better and she asked me if I wanted her to update me. I haven't responded. Truth is that at this point in my life I don't really care. Of course I feel bad that he is ill but it isn't much different then if some stranger was ill. He was out of my life from age 1-21(when my brother found him). And after years of attempting to reach out to him and build a relationship with him and he only halfway reciprocated I gave up. The last straws where when he didn't feel the need to even send a card or a text congratulating me on getting married and has had no contact with my son since I spent $400 flying all of us down to see him when my son was a few months old.

He really isn't my father not in the real sense....it is strange because I had a dream the other night that he had died and I was at his funeral.

I don't know how to respond to her. I told her I hope he gets better but haven't responded to if I want updates...I guess I'll just leave it be for now?

Answer Question
 
tntmom1027

Asked by tntmom1027 at 8:35 PM on Aug. 25, 2013 in Relationships

Level 27 (31,955 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • I think that we have this preconceived idea of how we "should" act when it comes to a parent. But we're not really taught what's acceptable when a parent doesn't exactly earn that title, beyond the biology.

    I wouldn't ask for updates because you don't really need them. He's a stranger, for the most part. Don't get yourself bogged down in what you think the expectations are because that's so not fair to you.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:38 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

  • I am sorry that he stepped out of your life
    I hate that this happens to kids
    It is hard to build any relationship when you live away from each other.
    I think she is reaching out to you and maybe would like to build a relationship with you. Maybe not.
    I think you should act how your heart tells. you.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 8:43 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

  • He is just a sperm donor I wouldn't ask for updates on him but that's just me... Do what you feel is best for you!
    rachel216

    Answer by rachel216 at 9:01 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

  • yeah I don't want updates. I've left it for now. I have no problem having a relationship with any of them(there are 3 step sisters and then a half brother who is 3 yrs younger then me). But as we live far apart it hasn't really happened. They are all nice people, and his wife is very sweet as well(think 50's style wife/mother).

    I think that is what I'm doing allowing my mind to get bogged down with what might be "expected" of me.
    tntmom1027

    Comment by tntmom1027 (original poster) at 9:13 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

  • It sounds like you dodged the question for now by just saying you hope your father gets better. If you get updates, just read them and move on. You don't have to make an emotional investment in any of this. It wouldn't hurt to brace yourself for the fact that he may not make it, and decide if there's anything else you feel you have to do before he's gone. If there isn't, that's perfectly okay.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 9:33 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

  • This is something only you can answer, you know? If you don't want updates and you're really at peace with it, forget it. It sounds like you have almost no relationship with him, in which case, what is it to you? Unfortunately, you're in a weird place of figuring out if you're supposed to "feel" something one way or another about this. But if you feel nothing, don't have any guilt over it.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 9:51 PM on Aug. 25, 2013

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