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What do you think of these things my child told me? How would you handle them?

DD said she doesn't like her breasts and feels like they are in the way. Would have reduction surgery if ins. would cover it. They are 34B and very average. She is now dating a girl, currently on meds for variety of issues, not working or going to school.

Also went out and got her cartilage pierced 2x, (one got infected and she had to let it close), and has said she wants to get a tattoo, and pierce her nose.

She has damaged my car for the 2nd time (careless mistakes). Promises to reimburse us for the repairs.

Every time we turn around it's something else!

She is legally an adult, but I am feeling as if these are not the most well thought out plans, especially for someone in her place.

I think if she spends money on anything it'd better be to pay her bills and if she does anything else with it I may ask her to leave. What would it take for you to ask your kid to leave?

Why is life so complicated? Help!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:54 AM on Aug. 28, 2013 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • It sounds like she wants to be masculine. Give it time and let her work out her life. Get busy with things you love and let go. Sometimes they need to go through troubles to get it all figured out. Hang in there and just keep loving her. :-)

    Answer by LeJane at 9:59 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • I'm kind of confused on the actual problem...
    who cares about cartilege or nose peircings or tattoos - this is an issue?
    she damaged your car by mistake and has promised to pay for the repairs- okaaay...
    she wants a breast reduction and has a girlfriend...well, I guess that could be an issue for some people- but it's HER life so...?
    the only problem I can see here is about the money
    as for her not working or going to school- what is the reason?
    does she pay anything as far as rent or help with bills? Have you asked her to? *where does she GET money if there is no job?

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:09 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • My kids won't be living in my house as adults unless they are in school, working full time, or diligently looking for a job. If you are willing to pay her bills, why should she work?

    Answer by missanc at 10:11 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Well, I have 2 tattoos and had a belly button piercing back before I got pregnant, so to me, piercings and tattoos aren't anything to worry about.

    The car damage - she needs to pay for that, and you need to stay on her for that.

    The breast issue, dating a girl - leave it alone. She may be gay, or bi, or confused, or who knows? But getting into it with her and trying to convince her of anything will only make matters worse. She'll come to you when she figures herself out.

    Being on meds - I'm not sure what to say here, because I don't know what the meds are or what they are for.

    Not working or going to school - if she's an adult, you can stipulate that she needs to either get a job or go to school (or do both, if that's what you want) or she needs to move out.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 10:13 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Why don't you talk to her about how she is feeling, maybe she is transgender and can't or is afraid to tell you, but she would be getting a job in my home.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 10:30 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • She is legally an adult but you are treating her like a child.
    If she wants reduction surgery let her work to get the money to do so. She wants to drive a car, let her buy one and pay the insurance and the damages she might have.
    She doesn't seem to have to take any responsibility for her own life and what dating a girl has to do with it, I am not sure. I would say the same if she was dating a guy or dating no one.

    Give her goals and deadlines.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:30 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Stop enabling her to stay home and pay nothing.

    The other things... shes an adult, so you have no say in all that.

    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 11:59 AM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • It sounds like she is searching. My suggestion is to treat these conversations like opportunities to listen, not as issues to engage. Think of it as a chance to know what she's thinking & what she cares about. To see how she is feeling. I think it might be uncomfortable for me in that position, if I felt like she was reacting to unhappiness by focusing on external changes, so I'm not suggesting that this (listening) would be "easy" at all, but in a way a kind of compassionate service. (Parenting is full of opportunities to serve in that way!) It is a matter of offering emotional containment, being able to "hold" what you see & hear. It is fulfilling an important function, particularly for a hurting child (of whatever age.)
    I have the most difficulty with that when I'm triggered by what I'm seeing & hearing, so being very open to my own pain & anxiety is key if I hope to contain anyone else's pain!
    The money is the other issue.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:20 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Your feelings about that (the money issue) sound clear and I'd suggest you communicate them. Not in an effort to control her or force her hand, but to let her know your feedback.
    If you know you are going to be upset to see a tattoo because she owes you money for repairs she's promised to cover, (and seeing the tattoo would mean she opted to spend her available money on that rather than honoring her commitment to pay you), then I would communicate that. I'd do my best (if I were in your position) to make it true sharing of information, rather than edgy, loaded (angry) communication. That might mean working through your feelings (venting to someone else, journaling, talking with a counselor, venting & having a good cry on your own) so you feel heard enough actually to be present to her rather than too loaded with your own (legit) baggage. Baggage interferes!
    Speak personally, vulnerably, expressing concern/worry, asking openly.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:28 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • I guess with most of that stuff--breast reduction, tattoos, piercings, dating girls--I'd just do a lot more listening than talking. I wouldn't pay for any of it, though, and I would help the girl work out a budget that includes reimbursing you for the damaged car and saving up to get her own place. The rest of it, she'll figure out. She's a big girl. But right now, you're letting her walk all over you financially, probably because of her medical issues. That's not doing her any favors in the long run.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:31 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

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