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How to respond and what to do?

Yesterday my husband said he was worried and then he said is because of the bills that are piling and I said to him that we need to put in place a budget. So today I approach him and I said to him that things have to change and we have to be more responsible in the way that we handle money and that we have to make slight changes and stop spending money in frequent things. I know my heart was in a good place because I'm really trying to help us be more conscious about money and pay off our debt as soon as we can. Instead of him taking it in a good way he got mad and angry and said that I'm putting too many restrictions and that was the last thing that I was saying. I was trying to show him support and also showing him that I wanted to help. Today one of our friends out of town was coming to visit is at the house and I was making dinner so I put to boil some pasta and during that time is that we started to have the fight. I was so angry that I was stirring the pot very hard and I said to myself this is not good so I told him to take care of the pot that I wasn't going to do anything else and that I was going upstairs. When his friend was parking he told me as I'm walking upstairs to not come down because he didn't want me there while his friend was here. I said to him why you're treating me like a piece of furniture or garbage. And that in tired of him treating me like that. He did after a while come twice to tell me to go downstairs but I didn't want to make a show like he calls it because I wanted to cry and I was crying so I decided to stay upstairs. He still with his friend watching a movie but I'm very angry that he's treating me like this and that the only thing that I was doing is helping him and supporting him for him to explote and yell and treat me like garbage. As soon as his friend leaves one or the other he's going to pretend nothing happened and not talk to me or start a fight again. I feel very sad and down. In this case what would you do.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:43 PM on Aug. 28, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Does he normally act like this?

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 8:01 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • He says mean things and then he apologizes
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:02 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Wow, it's a habit then. That sucks. I guess what I would say depended on how willing I was to continue getting treated like that. You can't make threats you don't plan to back up, so if you won't leave over it, don't tell him you will. But the thought of leaving would probably cross my mind. Life's too short.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 8:31 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • One word, two syllables.

    GOODBYE.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 8:31 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Or adios or farewell
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 8:50 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • I would just pretend yall arent together in your mind and do your own thing. pretend hes your roommate or something back off from him
    lullaby572

    Answer by lullaby572 at 9:07 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • Great guy. What a prince. I wish you many years of true love.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:19 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • It sounds to me like he didn't want you to think of ways to cut down on spending he wants you to go out and get a job or if your already working he wants you to get a better one. My first husband was like this. Always putting me down, never wanting me around, acting like all I did was never good enough. Drop the loser and get him for spousal and child support.
    CEWarsop

    Answer by CEWarsop at 11:45 PM on Aug. 28, 2013

  • It sounds like he expressed feelings (worry, anxiety, tension about the piling bills) and you responded with solutions. When you presented your plan, it sounded authoritarian to him like you were taking charge & dictating how things should/will be. Yes, your heart was in the right place and you likely were trying to "resolve" his discomfort by coming up with an answer. But the issue is the method of communication, and how your communication was received or experienced.
    At that point, he again had feelings (he felt mad & upset) and from the sound of it, he "expressed" them by making an accusation. Finding fault with or criticizing someone/something is a pretty routine response to negative feelings (it's not a constructive response.) It makes everything about the issue instead of about the feelings/internal experience. (Same with responding to feelings with "solutions," too.)
    It's just a communication issue & it's all related.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:07 AM on Aug. 29, 2013

  • I think my response would be to identify that I DON'T like the way things tend to "unfold" between us, that we are our own worst enemies when it comes to communicating in times of conflict! And to decide I want to get support (individually or jointly, either) for learning to communicate in a more constructive way.
    If you told that above story to a marriage counselor, it would be easy for the therapist to see the good in both of you, and to see the unfortunate or tragic parts (the attacks, the retreat/disengaging, the rebuffs of his overtures/attempts at reconciliation) for what they are & for why they happened, rather than seeing them as indictments of the character or worth of EITHER of you!
    Things in your story deteriorated in a predictable way, based on your PROCESS.
    It's not unusual, and it doesn't mean things are hopeless.
    It means you have some things to learn if you wish to shift your patterns of relating. That's all.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:22 AM on Aug. 29, 2013

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