I know what most of you might say: "It's time to break up."
But no, that's not an option. Don't even bother. I'm far too in love with this man for it to even be a consideration, even in the back of my mind.
But here's my issue: We don't have sex. Like... ever.
I'll give you some way-way back story. When I was with my son's dad, we never had sex. I didn't want to. He didn't make me feel attractive, and I would say about a year or so after my son was born, I realized I wasn't attracted to his dad. That relationship was doomed to fail, and our sex life stopping altogether was the beginning of the end for it. We stuck it out until our son was almost two and that was the end. In my opinion, we were never really meant to be together.
I went into a relationship after that (if you can even call it that) where sex was honestly the only thing that held us together. It was constant, but we didn't love each other. In fact I can't even be sure that he knew we were in a relationship at all - he was always cheating on me. It was a bad time in my life that luckily didn't even last two years.
Luckily I met my fiance and he saved me from that downward spiral. As cheesy as it sounds, I didn't think I could love anyone the way I love him. In fact, I was determined to never get married (because love, up until him, sucked) - and now we're engaged and getting married next year. I'm not with him because I have to be... and no one is making me feel as though I can't leave the relationship. I'm with him because I want to be. He's an amazing man, and an incredible influence on my now-5-year son. He's helped me put my broken life back together, and I feel stronger than ever, better about myself, and just... happy.
But like I said... we don't have sex. The last time was... June? I think? We've "fooled around" once or twice since, but it's never anything that really lasts long, it's not super passionate, and honestly, it's hardly ever incredible. He's told me it's because he doesn't feel attractive (he is a big overweight, but I find him incredibly attractive) and he's just never had a very high libido - plus, when he's stressed (like all this wedding planning has caused) it's not likely to happen either. That's fine. Given the relationship I had with my son's dad, I can relate to that. And I know it's not me making him feel unattractive. But I do feel like sex is an important part of a healthy relationship - that, and intimacy in general. And lately I'm afraid that I'm losing interest in it altogether, and when he does decide that he wants to initiate it, I'll have no interest and it'll cause a rift in our relationship.
I'm also worried about losing interest because, to be quite honest, I feel like I used to be pretty good in bed, when I was younger and sex was more frequent... but now I don't feel comfortable being in control at all and I know that would be what he wants when we actually do have sex. Like they say... practice makes perfect, but he's not willing to give me much practice! ;)
This isn't something I can easily talk to him about. He's more sensitive than many men, and if I bring anything like this up, he'll get offended and he's quick to assume that I'm blaming him. We talked about it a bit the other day, because already I found myself losing interest in even trying anymore... and since then he has seemed more eager to attempt intimacy... but I know it won't last long.
I'm kind of just at a loss and would love some advice. Again, breaking up isn't a solution to this, like I've heard many people say. I'm not with him for the sex... I'm with him because I love him so much. But I think every relationship needs to have good sex! It's a stress reliever, it keeps us close to one another, and it has the potential to be amazing when you really love each other.
How do you ladies keep your man interested? Have you ever encountered this before, in a happy relationship? How would you talk to your SO about it without it sounding like you're blaming him??
This could have been written by me a few years ago.
We went MONTHS without having sex. It was humiliating to me because I felt inadequate, unattractive and just plain bad about myself.
I read The Sex Starved Marriage and The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner-Davis and it really helped.
It isn't always about a medical or mental condition and it isn't always that he's gay. Find the book and read it. It encourages both parties to read, but at first my DH wasn't too thrilled about the idea. But after following the book, it helped me establish a line of communication that didn't embarass him.
Answer by ChasingBridges at 5:52 PM on Aug. 30, 2013
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Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:59 PM on Aug. 30, 2013