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I know what most of you might say: "It's time to break up."

But no, that's not an option. Don't even bother. I'm far too in love with this man for it to even be a consideration, even in the back of my mind.

But here's my issue: We don't have sex. Like... ever.

I'll give you some way-way back story. When I was with my son's dad, we never had sex. I didn't want to. He didn't make me feel attractive, and I would say about a year or so after my son was born, I realized I wasn't attracted to his dad. That relationship was doomed to fail, and our sex life stopping altogether was the beginning of the end for it. We stuck it out until our son was almost two and that was the end. In my opinion, we were never really meant to be together.

I went into a relationship after that (if you can even call it that) where sex was honestly the only thing that held us together. It was constant, but we didn't love each other. In fact I can't even be sure that he knew we were in a relationship at all - he was always cheating on me. It was a bad time in my life that luckily didn't even last two years.

Luckily I met my fiance and he saved me from that downward spiral. As cheesy as it sounds, I didn't think I could love anyone the way I love him. In fact, I was determined to never get married (because love, up until him, sucked) - and now we're engaged and getting married next year. I'm not with him because I have to be... and no one is making me feel as though I can't leave the relationship. I'm with him because I want to be. He's an amazing man, and an incredible influence on my now-5-year son. He's helped me put my broken life back together, and I feel stronger than ever, better about myself, and just... happy.

But like I said... we don't have sex.  The last time was... June?  I think?  We've "fooled around" once or twice since, but it's never anything that really lasts long, it's not super passionate, and honestly, it's hardly ever incredible.  He's told me it's because he doesn't feel attractive (he is a big overweight, but I find him incredibly attractive) and he's just never had a very high libido - plus, when he's stressed (like all this wedding planning has caused) it's not likely to happen either.  That's fine.  Given the relationship I had with my son's dad, I can relate to that.  And I know it's not me making him feel unattractive.  But I do feel like sex is an important part of a healthy relationship - that, and intimacy in general.  And lately I'm afraid that I'm losing interest in it altogether, and when he does decide that he wants to initiate it, I'll have no interest and it'll cause a rift in our relationship.

I'm also worried about losing interest because, to be quite honest, I feel like I used to be pretty good in bed, when I was younger and sex was more frequent... but now I don't feel comfortable being in control at all and I know that would be what he wants when we actually do have sex. Like they say... practice makes perfect, but he's not willing to give me much practice! ;)

This isn't something I can easily talk to him about.  He's more sensitive than many men, and if I bring anything like this up, he'll get offended and he's quick to assume that I'm blaming him.  We talked about it a bit the other day, because already I found myself losing interest in even trying anymore... and since then he has seemed more eager to attempt intimacy... but I know it won't last long. 

I'm kind of just at a loss and would love some advice.  Again, breaking up isn't a solution to this, like I've heard many people say.  I'm not with him for the sex... I'm with him because I love him so much.  But I think every relationship needs to have good sex!  It's a stress reliever, it keeps us close to one another, and it has the potential to be amazing when you really love each other.

How do you ladies keep your man interested?  Have you ever encountered this before, in a happy relationship?  How would you talk to your SO about it without it sounding like you're blaming him??

 
AdensMama0308

Asked by AdensMama0308 at 1:07 PM on Aug. 30, 2013 in Relationships

Level 24 (18,609 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • This could have been written by me a few years ago.


    We went MONTHS without having sex. It was humiliating to me because I felt inadequate, unattractive and just plain bad about myself.


    I read The Sex Starved Marriage and The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner-Davis and it really helped.  


    It isn't always about a medical or mental condition and it isn't always that he's gay.  Find the book and read it.  It encourages both parties to read, but at first my DH wasn't too thrilled about the idea.  But after following the book, it helped me establish a line of communication that didn't embarass him.  


     


    Good luck!  

    ChasingBridges

    Answer by ChasingBridges at 5:52 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • I can tell you right away he needs a physical. I'm going to guess high blood pressure and probably pre-diabetes.
    Is the sex successful when you do have it? You mentioned stress and stuff, so I imagine that means no.
    A man would rather avoid intimacy completely than look like LESS than a man by being the 2 pump chump, or not be able to get it up.

    Get him to get a check up BEFORE the wedding. Go with him, go INTO the room with him, and tell the doctor your concerns.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:38 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • Oh and to add, just ONE unsuccessful sex session can do major damage. When the big head is thinking too much, the little one will not respond at all. When he is thinking "Oh jeez, please work, pleaase get hard, oh god don't cum don't cum don't cum...." he is literally thinking with the wrong head.
    He's not engaged, not present, and not responding to physical and emotional stimulus from you, and basically worrying himself right out of the game.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:58 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • I can only share my own experience, and it's likely not what you want to hear, but here goes:

    The true test of whether a relationship is solid is whether you'd stay in it if you could never ever have sex again. I'm in that situation myself; my husband CAN'T, after a 2004 motorcycle accident. Too painful, and the meds needed to control the pain leave him unable.

    I had to decide which was more important to me: Sex or my marriage? And frankly, sex lost big time. And know what? Our relationship became STRONGER when sex went out of the equation. I'm more connected to him since sex disappeared than I'd ever been before. We're more in tune with each other. We communicate better, because we're not worried about what pleases the other. I suspect if he was miraculously cured that sex would be BETTER than it had been before the accident. We had to do without it in order to grow up enough to start having it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:35 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • And yes, PGA is right on with getting the physical. A lack of libido can be a marker for serious health conditions.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:40 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • "We've "fooled around" once or twice since, but it's never anything that really lasts long, it's not super passionate, and honestly, it's hardly ever incredible. He's told me it's because he doesn't feel attractive (he is a big overweight, but I find him incredibly attractive) and he's just never had a very high libido - plus, when he's stressed (like all this wedding planning has caused) it's not likely to happen either."
    ^^
    This is the only reason I threw that out there. Words like "stress" and "not happening" usually indicate unsuccessful sex.

    So he likes to be in control, but doesn't want sex. That's a catch-22, my dear. You have to make him want it, but make him think it was HIS idea. How do you feel about a little role-play?
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:11 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • I'm not talking he's the pizza guy and you're the horny housewife role play.
    I'm talking setting yourself up in a situation that he has no choice but to respond to. Like have the baby sitter lined up, "accidentally" trip a breaker so the lights are off when he gets home, and you just "happen" to be fresh from the shower dripping wet and can't find a towel in the dark and he has to help you. So he's the hero in this scenario, but you're the one who actually planned the whole thing out.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:30 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • I think having a good sex life is challenging for many people, so try not to feel alone. My boyfriend and I struggle a lot because his drive is much stronger than mine, so it's a balance to keep him from feeling rejected but also to keep me from feeling pressured. Remember that it's not the quantity that counts, it's the quality. If you're together once a month, make it amazing. But don't feel like you have to be intimate once a week, if that's not the norm for your relationship, just because that's the way it "should" be. Who says? There's no magic number. Let your intimacy grow out of the amazing love you have for each other, not out of your feelings of obligation or worries that you'll get rusty. Good luck.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:23 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • Hmmmmmm. I can't imagine going that long! We have sex daily, and most days twice.

    Do what I do...say " hey take your clothes off and come bend me over the bed" lol! Works like a charm. :)
    PandaGwen

    Answer by PandaGwen at 1:31 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

  • Explain "If he's in control"...
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:59 PM on Aug. 30, 2013

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