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2 Bumps

Is this normal in a marriage?

Please let me first begin by sharing that I love my husband very much and do not intend to talk badly of him. We have been together for 12 years and married 5 and we have had a very good relationship throughout the majority of this time. We have a son who is 3 and he is an amazing father. Over the past several years I feel we have had quite significant ups and downs. I try to express my concerns and he generally responds with the thought that there are no real concerns and nothing needs to be sorted through. During an argument though, there are indeed thoughts that he is needing to express and they come out quite clearly but not in the most appropriate manner. Many of these comments have been hurtful, and this is what I want to know. Is this common? Him telling me I am ungrateful, telling me I demand too much from him financially, etc. Telling me to leave and suit myself with someone else if I am unhappy or not feeling

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ruffadoo

Asked by ruffadoo at 3:21 PM on Sep. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • to continue...

    provided for (which I do not feel unprovided for) Tossing in the shut the f*** up if I call him out on "This is the reason we are not getting along well, because when I bring important conversations up they get turned down by you." Does it happen often?? Are we in a normal spot that marriages go through? Im just shocked as we have never had this kind of relationship. We have always been a couple that many look up to, and now I am seeing our relationship in a different light. Just very disrespectful and hurtul comments, often.

    Please share your thoughts, I would appreciate it greatly.
    ruffadoo

    Comment by ruffadoo (original poster) at 3:22 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • It is really hard to make a judgement based on just your input of what is going on. It sounds like you have a failure to communicate for whatever reason. It's not uncommon in couples, and you need to figure out how to open the lines again.

    Seek a 3rd party like a marriage counselor if you need to. Good luck.
    anng.atlanta

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 3:30 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • I wouldn't tolerate hurtful words and disrespect as a normal part of my relationship. Sometimes anyone will blow up before he thinks, but if it's a regular occurrence, you might need some help to resolve the underlying issues. The bottom line is, you both deserve to be cherished, not torn down.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:40 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • No I don't think it's normal or healthy for spouses to tear each other down. My husband has never cussed at me or called me names. Your husband needs to learn communication skills, encourage counseling .
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 4:05 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • You should be able to talk to your husband about anything with out him saying those things to you. IMO. If I want to talk to my DH about anything. I do. He never says those sort of things.
    I think you need to throw those coment back at him. When you are not fighting.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:20 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • What you describe, I would NOT consider normal.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:18 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • I share everything with my dh and same goes for him to me. We talk openly and don't intentionally hurt one another. See a therapist to help with your communication. A lot of people have this issue, just make sure you FIX it before things get worse.
    nnh_mama

    Answer by nnh_mama at 6:46 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • My guess would be that you are voicing your concerns in such a way that your husband hears you blaming him for all the problems. Try complimenting him more and choosing your words and tone more carefully. I believe he will the. Be more receptive to what you have to say.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:27 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • It was normal in my former marriage, but not in my current marriage.

    So, I would say it is not normal in a marriage where both adults know how to communicate effectively. But, it is possible that he is modeling what he learned growing up. When things are good, he doesn't want to rock the boat by saying is bothering him but when he is upset, it comes out in an inappropriate manner.
    ChasingBridges

    Answer by ChasingBridges at 8:08 PM on Sep. 1, 2013

  • go to couple's counseling! of course, it's normal, but if you don't seek productive ways to change it then it will likely get worse (hence the obscenely high divorce rate in the US)

    if he refuses to do therapy read men are from mars women are from venus- as cliche as it sounds my old therapist made my husband and i read it- we didn't even get half way through the book and it changed our marriage entirely! men and women are different and communicate differently, it's a fact. as soon as you guys figure out how the other communicates (and there are more factors than gender), then you can work on communication, which seems it would solve a lot of issues...

    good luck!!
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 1:08 PM on Sep. 3, 2013

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