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Alright, I thought about it, over and over, but I need some help with this one..

A friend of mine is having some major problems with his girlfriend. Just 1 child and he is 2. She has history of domestic violence towards him. She doesn't really supervise their son, several neighbors have seen him cross the street, walk down the street, and walks 4 to 5 houses down, by the time she goes back outside. She drinks A LOT everyday. She leaves a shotgun where the son can reach it, and shes bipolar and no meds. Made a story that he beat her, tried to kill her.The only marks were the ones she did to herself, and he went to jail and she never let the family know he was arrested, and he didn't have access to a phone, and spent 72 hrs in jail. She wants sole custody. He's terrified she will get it. She hasn't let him see their son. She now has PPO against him.
What can he do? Heres a bit of history..

They have been together for about 4 yrs. When I met her, I didn't like her at all!! But he seemed happy. About a year or so go by, and he hardly came over to see me, when I talked to him, he got snappy and a bit nervous, not like him at all. I was seeing little bruises and he said it was worked related. He's a computer programmer!!

About a year after their son was born, he didn't do something right, and she went nuts on him. She beat him until he went to the hospital. She threw the coffee pot and hit him hard in the head. And in doing so, he had a bad concussion, 16 stitches in his head, and was in the hospital for a few days. He told me and the police he was attacked. I knew better and told him so. She has hit /beaten him many more times after that, used their son a the "bargaining chip" and since he is the one that has to work, because she will NOT work, his son's life is basically is in her hands, and he can't afford to piss her off.

I do not understand why the system will believe a woman was beaten by her man, but when a man gets beaten he gets shitty treatment, called a wuss, or they are lying etc. He has the same victimology that a battered woman has only in reverse. But he did finally tell her he was leaving her and taking their son with him, and the proof he had against her to prove she was an unfit mom. I do not know what it was, he never told me. But it also could be considered a bluff. IDK... But I think what happened then is what made her act like she did by saying he beat her and sending him to jail by marking herself by scratching her face, hitting her knees into the concrete, rubbed her chest until it was red and she pinched herself so it would bruise. And since he never went to the police after what she did to him, nothing is on record.

We have known one another for 15 yrs, he is my 'big brother'. I know for 100% certainty, HE DID NOT TOUCH HER. If he would have hit her ever, it would been the night she threw the coffee pot at him. What can I do???? He can't even see his son! Its been 2 weeks. The courts here automatically issue temporary restraining orders until a court date is made. He's so stressed out, fearing for his son's life, he had another panic attack that put him into the hospital.

Can anyone help me??

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:47 AM on Sep. 4, 2013 in Parenting Debate

Answers (12)
  • Not to sound mean or insensitive or anything...but he really screwed himself by not reporting any of those incidents where she beat him. But I can relate to you, sort of. My mom is a vulnerable adult and my dad abuses her. She wont and will never admit that though. And without proof or her statement....nothing can be done. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for your friend. The only thing I can think of is asking those neighbors to tell that they saw the kid roaming the streets unattended on the mom's watch. But that wont do much good either. I really hope this all works out for your friend in the end.

    Answer by Lobelia at 2:22 AM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • "but he really screwed himself by not reporting any of those incidents where she beat him. "
    Ya I told him that...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:34 AM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • I feel for him, but since he didn't report any of the things she did and she reported the things that she claimed he did, he's really kind of screwed here. If there are people who can back up his story of what she did to him, that might give him a better chance, but that police report she made is really going to hurt him.

    His best shot at getting the kid away from her would be if the neighbors start reporting every time they see her being neglectful, every thing they see that puts him in danger (so go visit her and then call and report the gun that's within easy reach of the kid). I hope he manages to get the kid away from her.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:27 AM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • He would have been better off reporting and letting her go to jail for assault. At least at that point he would have some kind of documentation of her violent tendencies and he could call her disorder into question.

    At this point he needs one thing, and that's the best attorney his money can buy.  He needs to get an order for visitation.  He needs to let his attorney know about the BiPolar Dx and the fact that she is off her meds and keeps a gun in the house.  The attorney will do what they can to make the best of this situation for him.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:01 AM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • OK, So multiple Neighbors see a 2 year old walking about unattended, she has a shotgun within reach & she's a drunk??? How about HE calls CPS on HER!

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 3:47 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • hes very intimidated by her thts a shame...

    Answer by smiley745 at 5:48 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • You can not do anything.

    You are wrong that he did not have access to a phone because the police cannot hold you and book you without giving you a phone call. If the were interrogating him, he could have asked for a lawyer and told them to book him or let him go at least to make a call.

    He did not report it so you can not say how the police would have reacted.

    We have a couple a little ways down from us that is constantly having the police called on them. I think I know of one time he hit her (back)
    That doesn't mean there weren't more. However it has been obvious that she is the aggressor in most of the instances. The police come and within the half hour they are hauling her off. I am under the impression that she also is on medication and chooses not to take it.

    He can get a lawyer to help him.

    Again this is not your affair and the best you can do is stay out of it.

    Answer by Dardenella at 8:20 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • Truthfully, the only way you are going to help yourself and your child is to hire a private detective. I had to take out a loan to do it but it was the best damn loan I EVER had the pleasure of utilizing! I wound up getting the kids and he wound up going to jail for quite a few years. By the time he got out, I had moved me and my children practically to the other side of the U.S. and it has been 10 years now without a fear in sight. I really do wish you all the luck in the world no matter what route you take, but you better at least start writing dates, times and incidences in a book if you are not going to call the police on her. And then get yourself a really good attorney!


    Answer by PatienceP at 8:29 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • Get the neighbors to make statements about the child wandering. If he can prove she's an unfit mother the courts might go in his favor. But he needs to document everything. Call CPS and make sure they do a surprise visit on her. Even if the child goes to foster care for now it's better than being with her. Can he prove she is bi-polar and not taking meds?? That would help if he can.

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 8:34 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

  • "You are wrong that he did not have access to a phone because the police cannot hold you and book you without giving you a phone call."
    Believe me when I tell you, he had no access to a phone there. He did ask for an atty, and they gave him one. But by law, the police can hold you for 72 hrs before charging you. Its not a constitutional right to be able to have access to a phone.

    "hes very intimidated by her thts a shame..."
    Well lets think about this way. Lets pretend he's the woman, 'she' is afraid that if 'she' leaves, she at least can go to a woman's shelter. He cannot. Most women at a woman shelter are afraid of men. Do you really think they will allow him to go there? A man can be beaten and abused like the battered woman, its just not reported as much for obvious reasons. When a woman is beaten, doe that mean she is intimidated by him??? You are narrow minded. So unless you have advice, and not criticism, shut up.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:24 PM on Sep. 4, 2013

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