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Husband secretly supporting his mother

My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. We have two children together and a house. His mother lived with us for 3 years after her divorce before moving out and buying her own house. Wanting to 'upgrade' she went and found a big house. And with the house being big it cost a lot. I was injured at work recently and then my mother died shortly after which caused me to be out for a period of time, requiring him to have to support our household until my Workers-Comp kicked in. When it came time for the baby to get diapers, he was broke, but the numbers weren't adding up from his paychecks. Soon, I found out (on my own) that since she's left (2010) she'd been asking him for money every month ($300-$500) and he freely gives it to her (he makes $1800-2300 a month and the mortgage is $1000). He lied when I asked until I confronted him about it and finally he admitted to loaning her money, the only thing is, he rarely ever gets it back when she says he will and he's always broke (I never understood why I always pay when we go out and he makes more than me). I feel unless we are ahead in bills by a month and this is a one time emergency, he doesn't need to be giving anyone over $50.

She's always been bad with money and she knew what she was getting into purchasing the house, she needs to move or find a second job. He wouldn't allow me to purchase the car I wanted in March because he felt the note was too much and I should be able to afford it regardless of if my hours were cut. Shouldn't she be held to the same standards? I'm using money from my emergency savings to catch up the now behind bills, buy things for the kids(school clothes) and groceries because he's broke (literally not even $20) from helping her. He became upset with me about it (because I didn't tell him the kids needed school clothes (duh)) but I feel you should never give anyone your last dollar. I feel she is manipulating him and now she's even dodging his texts and calls. My mother has left money for me, and I planned to allow him access once it is available, but seeing how naive he is with his mother, I'm having second thoughts. Am I being too hard on him about this? Its one thing if he was open about it but the fact that he tried to hide it upsets me.

 

I am not in any way mad with his mother he is wrong in my eyes because she didn't force him he could have said no. She is who she is, she knows who will give in and thats just her personality.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:42 AM on Sep. 5, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • Well, he didn't tell you because he knew you would be pissed off. Yes, he should have, but now the truth is out. So time for a meeting with your husband and the mother, and you taking control of the family checkbook. I am shocked that women don't participate in finances of the home? My husband makes a lot more money than I do, but we still discuss almost everything we spend our money on.
    You need to tell MIL that you have gotten yourself into a bit of a jam, because of "loaning" her money, say that you can no longer afford to risk your family's well being to give her money, suggest that she take in a roomate to help her with the bills. If husband won't agree to this, he might be the new roomate, LOL!
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 9:56 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • I dont believe in married couples having his money/ my money
    I always thought finances were conjoined when the "I dos" were said.
    After all, when you decide you dont you are going to get stuck with half the debt...

    That being said, since you have broached the subject and he has told you MYOB- what do you think is in your best interests regarding financial security?
    What have you considered doing to protect yourself?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 9:47 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • Where do you live that this isn't all joint property anyway?
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 9:53 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • His lack of honesty and putting a financial strain on your family is the issue. Your issue should only be with your DH, not his mother. I suggest marriage counseling so you two can get I the same page and figure out how to communicate. Trust is the foundation of relationships. Without it, the relationship will eventually crumble.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:04 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • This whole situation is just plain out of whack. There is too much separateness and too much secrecy. Makes me wonder what else you don't know about your husband. I would insist on involving a third party and trying to sort all this out and get some new "rules" established.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:09 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • You're being too EASY on him! This is a marriage-breaker.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:52 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • " I don't join my money with his as that is his choice and I do not force him. He likes his privacy I give it to him. I could care less because in situations like this, when he's broke the truth comes out."

    This is not a marriage, it's a roommate arrangement. And one that could put you in the poorhouse. I'd cut him loose to live with Mommy.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:59 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • Whether your name is on the deed or not doesnt change the fact that since you are married, you "own" half. In the event of a divorce usually you get half of everything (assets and debt) regardless of whose name is on what account.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 10:03 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • PS, the money your mother left you should go into a fund to pay for your kid's school, or to pay off your home. I wouldn't just be taking it out to spend willy nilly, and NP is right, this is all joint property anyway, so if you divorce him over this, he will have the rights to 1/2 of your inheritance.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 9:58 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • "This is not a marriage, it's a roommate arrangement."

    This^^
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 10:24 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

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