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4 Bumps

No Commitment No cohabitation

My boyfriend and I have a 2 year old son together. He's 2 years older than me and we somewhat planned our sons birth. We've been together for 4 years, but there's been no commitment. When I mention it, he says he's a 'day to day don't make plans kinda guy' then he's said 'our parents are divorced why do you wanna go through that' or ' we argue a lot how can we get married.' Basically excuse after excuse. We're pushing close to 30 iand I'm not interested in being his live in maid 32 year old gf. I do everything for him and his dogs he comes home to a home cooked meal and clean house, Like a wife would do, but I'm not. I can't even get him to say ok if this happens, then we'll get married. When I first met him, he told me he'd married me years ago if he knew me, so now 4 years later, why am I pulling teeth. I've told him I'm moving out because I need some space. I don't think that me living with him and giving him what he wants will help he see that this is not normal. He's upset that I plan to leave and is questioning me why, I've explained that its naive of me to live with someone who could come home and say 'hey I've found someone else" and I'm out of a home even though I've invested my time and money in it and a relationship just like that, because it does happen. I've put all my eggs in this one basket and I feel vulnerable that he's not easily willing to do the same. Im not going to force him and so if thats not what he wants I need to venture on and find someone who will give me what I deserve. Would you leave or stick it out.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:29 AM on Sep. 5, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • The only thing I would dispute is the fact that he could come home and say, "Hey, I've found someone else" even if you WERE married. There are plenty of divorces due to someone cheating or someone meeting someone else and ending the marriage so they could explore that.

    With that said, you shouldn't have to pull teeth to get a commitment out of this man. You have a child together. The whole "day to day don't plan anything" thing is kind of out the window, because if you break up, his "day to day" is going to be a work schedule to bust his butt for child support payments. If he's not willing to commit, then I'd guess that he just doesn't want to and probably won't change his mind, especially since he doesn't seem to see having a child together as a commitment. I'd move out and even if suddenly changes his tune, make him wait to make sure he won't change his mind again.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 10:50 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • RUN!
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:34 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • You are living together, planned a pregnancy together, and now have a 2 yr old together? That's a good bit of commitment for someone who doesn't want to commit. Marriage certificate isn't the only way to be committed to one another.
    mommy_jules

    Answer by mommy_jules at 10:56 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • I think it would be a good idea to go to couple's counseling to see what his fear of commitment is all about, even with a legal document, people still cheat and divorce, so it makes me wonder why the "legal" part of it has become important now rather than when you first moved in with him.
    I would assume if you move, you would be doing it the legal way and asking for child support etc? But it sounds like you love him, so why not try to get to the root of the problem?
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 10:57 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • If this isn't want you want, LEAVE. I've become old fashioned enough to never plan a pregnancy outside of a marriage. I know marriage is not a guarantee but it's better than what you've got.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:06 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • I don't understand how living together and planning a child together isn't a commitment? Marriage isn't the be all, end all for relationships. Maybe he doesn't believe in marriage and is as committed to you as a married man is to his wife. If you two have different beliefs about commitment then you need to move on and find someone who falls in line with your beliefs.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 12:35 PM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • What I would do in the situation doesn't matter. I don't personally have a problem with cohabitation; it has its benefits, and getting to leave whenever you want isn't one of them if you love each other and your relationship means anything. However, a deal braker can happen in any relationship when the partners aren't on the same page. If you want to get married and he's dead set against it, which seems to be the case, then you'll have to decide what to do next because changing someone's mind isn't usually an option. Think about this--how's the home life besides not having a ring on your hand? You mentioned that you argue a lot. Are you unhappy? If so, then leave for the right reasons, which is that life's too short to be miserable and you may be with the wrong partner.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:04 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • You can't live day to day when you're a parent. You need to plan a future for your child. You bf sounds very immature and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Next time - ring first, cohabitation next.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:17 AM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • Marriage is not a gurantee that he won't come home and tell you he found someone else. You live together and planned a pregnancy together that is a large amount of committment there and marriage is not the ONLY way to commit to someone. Now if you are worried about losing your house etc then I would push getting your name on things along with his (bank accounts, mortgage/lease etc.) If he resists that then I would be concerned.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 PM on Sep. 5, 2013

  • I think if you are set on being married, with a pc of paper to prove it then he is not the man for you.
    You can be "married"in my opinion with out it, that is why there were comon law marriages etc. If you truly love him, tell him to buy rings you both wear them and carry on.

    As a previous poster said, he can come in one day married or not to tell you he found someone else.
    luvmygrandgirl

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 1:17 PM on Sep. 5, 2013