Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

How did your separation go?

I am wondering how many separations actually lead to reconciliation and in general what results and thoughts the separation brought. My husband has struggled with some mental health problems and related addiction (self medicating nonstop with marijuana). For the past few weeks he has been back and forth, moved out, moved in, moved out, moved in, etc. For a little while he was resisting getting help, and at times knew he needed it. Finally got meds a week ago and there has been a little improvement, but today he is out. I'm drained... He is verbally abusive, makes accusations that conflict with other accusations and statements he makes. I have been trying to keep the perspective that things will change when he adjusts, however, he has not smoked pot for a week now and is back at his mom's (where his alcoholic brother lives) and I'm fairly certain the non-smoking will come to an end today. I have spoken to lawyers already through the family violence hotline following his meltdown on a trip home across the country to my grandfather's funeral.

Tell me about your experience with separation and how that helped your final decisions, etc.

(note: I am not interested in a debate about pot - I am a supporter of legalization but have experienced firsthand how marijuana is truly addictive both mentally and physically - there is a little known condition - because here we focus on criminal behavior of pot versus medical benefits and harmful effects - called cannabis hyperemesis that I have witnessed firsthand. I haven't been on here in a while mainly because of the drama and sidebar conversations I'm hoping have died down)

Answer Question
 
figaro8895

Asked by figaro8895 at 4:28 PM on Sep. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Level 26 (27,249 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • Never seen a separation that didn't lead to divorce. Good luck.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:30 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • Why were you allowing him to move back and forth? If you were separated then you stay separated until a time that you've either reconciled, or made the decision to move forward with divorce.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 4:33 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • I ended up divorced, but I wouldn't have left if I hadn't intended to divorce. My kids (4, 5 and 8 at the time) said their dad talked all the time about how he wanted me to come "home" but I didn't see any change in his behavior.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 4:35 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • PartyGalAnne - unfortunately, he knows his rights and that he cannot be forced to leave the home without court documents. There is not really legal separation in my state. One time he just called and said he was on his way when I was putting our son to sleep. There is not much I can do to make him stay gone legally unless he takes action that calls for his arrest. He left after getting medication for a few days then came back to work on business (we are self employed in a shared business) and then stayed - things were going okay and I was allowing time for him to transition on his meds before making more decisions. Since he is very involved as a father, it seemed like as long as he could keep it together it would be best for our son to have his dad around. I did make my boundaries very clear regarding verbal abuse and pot smoking and he mostly respected them until the last 24 hrs.
    figaro8895

    Comment by figaro8895 (original poster) at 4:42 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • My son's dad and I ultimately decided a break up was probably best shortly before my son's second birthday. We had almost broken up a few months before, and had generally not been happy for a long time. At least, I hadn't been. After the breakup, he tried a handful of times to convince me that being with him was best. He would try to impress me, tell me he had changed (he was an alcoholic, could not show affection, and basically seemed to have zero respect for me), try to say it would be best for our son... but it just was never going to work out. I would catch him in a lie, or I would give him a chance just to have him go back to his old ways very quickly.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
    AdensMama0308

    Answer by AdensMama0308 at 5:24 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • You might not be able to stop him from coming back to his home. But you could move out and get your own place. In your name. And he can not come and stay their. Why are you putting up with his shit?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:28 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • louise2. sure, if i had money to do so. all the income has been in his name for taxes (changing this year) mainly because he was doing the majority of the work. i have been making enough to keep utilities on, haven't paid rent yet this month. etc. etc. not exactly that simple. i have applied for assistance but they keep f***ing the paperwork up because they do not know how to deal with self employment apparently, so that is not an option for me until they figure it out correctly. plus it costs money to move, requires people to help, etc. even if i had that sorted out. i have only a few hours a week to myself which i have to use to make as much money as possible. plus i didn't plan on abandoning my husband while he was taking steps to work out his mental health issues. if he weren't trying i would have taken add'l action.
    figaro8895

    Comment by figaro8895 (original poster) at 6:42 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • Mental health issues, drug problems. That is all him. That has nothing to do with you. IMO. You need to tell him to straighten up. He knows you will not leave him. That is why he is doing this stuff. He knows you have no way out of the relationship and you depend totally on him. Tell you take controll of your life. He will keep doing it.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:48 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • I agree with Louise. He's got you in this "trapped" mentality, and you're buying into it 100%. And you'd be a big meanie head to leave him when he needs help.
    You can make excuses, or you can make changes. You can't do both. All you've done in this post is defend him. So he's either got you wrapped around his finger, or you truly aren't ready for a separation.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 7:19 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

  • He might be ill, the pot could be masking a lot of stuff, when he quits, it comes back, I say in hospital setting rehab for at least a couple of months, from there you have to decide.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:33 PM on Sep. 6, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.