Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Husband is not putting this marriage first, i come second to daughter?

I married my new husband 4 years ago, he WAS a weekend dad..my children are grown ages 25 and 21 one married and one in the military...he has a 13 year old daughter he's still raising. We've been living apart for 7 months due to his person problems with alcoholism and what that entails...we separated because he was sober yes...but he was a dry drunk and treated me very badly. in the meantime he has cleaned up and his emotional state is better. 2 years ago he got custody of his daughter because his ex was not fit to care for his daughter. My problem is he isnt putting this marriage first...he isnt focused on rebuilding it. I come second to his daughter, when he has time then he shows interest, only after his daughters needs wants and running around are over. I raised 4 boys and 1 girl total in my adult life... i raised very intelligent well adjusted adults..i met all their needs...NOT all their wants but needs. I always put their father first, until his passing. when i say he puts his daughter first this is what im talking about...we only see each other on the weekends, as she has school and we both have demanding jobs, with that said..we only have friday and sat night and sunday morning together. i proposed that she have all her chores done on thursday night, have her night on friday where she has friends over, goes to the movies etc...whatever she wants, all friends go home saturday at midmorning. saturday we hang out as a family saturday night is parents night..dinner and movie, wake up on sunday and have breakfast. This is not happening folks...this is WHAT is happening. Friday night...i dont hear from him, i call apparently they arent coming over because she wants to hang out with friends, go shopping a movie and have a sleep over but not at my home because its "boring" (i live on a farm) sooo no hubby friday,(i care for my elderly mother so i cant leave her alone at night) saturday morning he comes over without her..shes playing with friends at a neighbors so he cant stay long, she doesnt want to come over she wants to hang out with friends. ok, no hubby all day saturday, mean while i have made plans to go swimming with a friend. now hes pissed because he came by for a few minutes and i wouldn't drop what i was doing to come home. saturday night he shows up at 8 with no child...we spent evening watching the clock because she is now with other friends and he finally picks them up at 930pm comes to my house goes to bed...sunday morning, they go home because she didnt do any of her chores, now they spend the day doing her chores, cleaning her room laundry etc...my problem is this...if she is bored and wants to go home, they go, if at the last minute she decides she wants to hang out with friends i get cancelled on, if i fix dinner and she doesnt like it, in goes a totinos pizza, if she doesnt want to stay the night, well dad doesnt get to stay the night....i had a rule in my home as i raised kids, my spouse came first,he is my rock and will stay first priority. when dad arrived home kids knew not to bug him for 1 hour, that was his winding down time and our hello how was your day i love you hour. then he was all theirs until dinner time. my kids went to bed at 9 NOT 10 because from 9-10 was OUR time to cuddle and talk. Friday night was the kids day for sleep overs and friends and saturday afternoons were family time, saturday night was parents date night and sunday mornings was family breakfast..you ate what mom cooked, it was not a buffet.you were responsibleto have all your chores done prior to you going out on friday.
I cant get any time with hubby...she dominates every single moment. I have spent 5 years with these 2 and frankly im tired of it. A child that has no rules, no limitations and is allowed to call every shot to me is ridiculous. He does this because of guilt, her mother was a piece of crap and he wants to make her happy, even if it means her ruling everything and throwing tantrums if she doesnt get her way. i raised 2 sons of my own and 2 step sons and a niece, i know what its like to have blended families...i am a vetran. this is crazy to allow a child to rule a house by her demands and tantrums. AM I CRAZY???? he doesnt understand what im upset about, he truly does not see how she rules anything, he gives into her with this excuse "well i want her to be happy i dont want her to hate me" im beginning to feel as though this just isnt worth it anymore, my dr said i HAVE to decrease the stressors in my life, i have serious health issues...and lately ive begin to think that i dont want my last days clouded with stress and worry.....this is just silly.

 
texasgal1970

Asked by texasgal1970 at 10:40 PM on Sep. 9, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 2 (5 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • The two of you need to work out a comproise. It sounds as if you've tried, but he isn't hearing you, and maybe you aren't hearing him, either. I would really recommend finding a neutral third party, a marriage therapist or family counselor trained in how to keep discussions on track and productive. If your husband refuses that, then you're right, the relationship might not be worth the stress it's causing you. You'll never make this relationship into the one you had before, also. I'm sure you know that, but what you wrote has overtones of wanting exactly that, so you might think about exploring your feelings in that area.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:09 AM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • I"m not reading all that... it's a mess.

    But you married him knowing he was a father, it was a package deal! He is a father first. That's just the way it is.
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 10:53 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • I'm not reading all of this but here's what's happening: Guilt. He missed out on her younger years, feels guilty, and now he's overcompensating.

    You two may be married legally, but that's it. There's no emotional connection anymore. The marriage will end. Move on, find happiness elsewhere. Relationships rarely last thru sobriety. One addiction becomes replaced with another. In this case, his daughter.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:46 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • Counseling. I understand what you are saying but it also sounds to me like you aren't understanding where he is coming from. As an outsider looking in, I can see that you both need to compromise. What worked for your prior relationship might not work with this one.

    Personally I think you need to tell him that this isn't working for you but you would like to come up with something that does. Massage his ego, don't attack him. Tell him that you need him. Let him know that you understand that he has a daughter and that things have changed as far as custody. But she won't always be around and if you 2 don't spend time together now, you are afraid you will be strangers to each other when she isn't around. Plus as she gets older, she will be spending more time with friends, at school functions and at work.

    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 11:18 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • "My problem is he isnt putting this marriage first...he isnt focused on rebuilding it."

    That's the only thing I needed to see. It tells the story right there. It takes two people to fix a broken marriage, only one person to kill it. Your husband is killing it. Counseling would be the first stop. But if he's not willing to go, then it's time to see a lawyer.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:39 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • I read it though you made it very difficult.
    You say you separated. Did you live at the farm before and he moved out?
    He is a dry drunk, what you mean to say is that he is irritable and finds fault because he is fighting to stay sober? If that is the case and you wanted the marriage to work, he time to get the counseling was then, to help you work through what he is going through together. He needed you to stand together with him to fight this battle of addiction. You opted out (Unless I am reading this wrong)
    In comes daughter full time. She is helping him to remember the reason he is fighting the urge to take the drink.
    Daughter naturally wants her life as stable as she can make it. She has just been uprooted from her mothers home and permanently put in her fathers. She will , quite, naturally fight and anyone that might change it again.
    The question is, do you want him enough for them to move back in and go
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:32 AM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • to counseling?
    How much are you willing to put into this relationship to make it work?
    The answers are yours alone, and then possibly, yours and his.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:34 AM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • Paragraphs....
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:45 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • If his personal problems with alcohol have been resolved, then why not move back in with him to make it easier to work on your marriage. It's almost impossible to improve a marriage if you are separated.

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 11:23 PM on Sep. 9, 2013

  • It has nothing to do with attention span and everything to do with lack of paragraphs. You posted a question.... Don't get pissy because you don't like the answers you are given.
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 11:33 PM on Sep. 9, 2013