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2 Bumps

My husband believes in spanking and I don't

We where watching his niece about a month ago and she was mad and threw something at the tv, he didn't say anything just spanked her and put her in time out,(the parents told him he could spank her if she was bad) I was shocked he isn't the type to get mad, then we started talking about how we will punish our daughter when she is big enough, and he said he would spank her and she would get time out, I am not for spanking and I don't know what to do

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:58 PM on Sep. 10, 2013 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (30)
  • Umm, I am sorry he shouldn't spank another person's child even if he is the uncle.
    Depends on how often and when it is used, perhaps you all should take some classes to get on the same page.
    I am not a huge advocate of spanking, but once in a great while it needs to be done, but not every time they misbehave.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 4:02 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • Good thing you are talking about this before your child is of spanking age. You need to keep talking about it & decide on a parenting plan. Personally, I am not opposed to the occasional swat on the behind, but if you feel that strongly about it, then tell him. Otherwise it will only lead to resentment & problems in the marriage. Don't ever let the kids divide & conquer. GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:06 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • well maybe you can agree to reserve spanking for dangerous scenarios like when your child runs out into the street or is about to stick a fork in an electrical socket. have you talked to him about why you're opposed to it?
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 4:39 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • again, most people talk about parenting styles etc before getting married?
    luvmygrandgirl

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 4:57 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • (continued)
    And, Do you think spanking her (and the message it sent for why not to throw things) was very effective in addressing any of the reasons FOR the behavior?
    Did it address those reasons at all? (Did it communicate anything positive or helpful about her feelings, or communicate anything constructive in terms of guidance for how TO handle anger?)
    What might the experience of being spanked actually teach her about herself, about reasons NOT to do things, about some feelings being bad/unacceptable, about what TO do when she's frustrated?
    What was the message & what is she likely to internalize?
    What do YOU think the focus of guidance & discipline should be?
    Does spanking accomplish this focus?

    Explore differences between teaching them how to solve problems as they come up (such as how to communicate their feelings & needs without violating others) and punishing them for having problems they haven't learned how to solve.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:23 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • Your husband may just need to hear some idea of what TO do other than spanking. Especially if he is not particularly emotionally invested.

    These are good questions to ask about time outs, etc. as well. If it "works," why is that? (Really, why.) Is that "why" something you want to employ with your child? (Is that the way you want her to learn, and the message you want her to internalize?) Does it address the reasons for the behavior? Does it provide guidance or does it focus on forcing the behavior ("extincting" it)? At what cost?

    Are there other options available?

    I think those are good questions for anybody to explore.
    Best wishes.
    Just sort through your misgivings & discomfort, and identify the "why's" behind how it bothers you, and explore all of that with your husband.
    It's parenting from the heart--bringing your parenting strategies & techniques more consciously in line with your long-term values & goals.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:29 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • ^----- above, I meant "especially if he is not particularly emotionally invested IN SPANKING"! Not that he's "not particularly emotionally invested" in your daughter, or in parenting. lol
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:31 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • I think you had better be having more serious conversations about this issue and many more. You need to be on the same page in childrearing. This will talk, talking and listening and compromise.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:13 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • Start spanking him when he does something wrong. But make sure to use an object to simulate how it would feel on your kid. Better yet, get someone 4 times his size to smack him around a bit. I mean if he's willing to inflict that on a child he has to be willing to take it.
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 4:03 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

  • you have to find a common middle ground somewhere, maybe the two of you should sit down and research different discipline methods and make a list of pros and cons from each one.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 4:14 PM on Sep. 10, 2013

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