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Relationship problems stay in the relationship

My bf and I have been together on and off for 4 1/2 years. I left because I wasn't happy with our living arrangements. Then he cursed me out and called me such and such, I said my share so I didn't hold it against him. Then I recently saw some emails in his facebook account where (to numerous friends) he was down talking me and making me seem like damn near the devil. I confronted him about it and he said, it was old I was mad. Let it go if you find something new then ok, I was wrong but old is old you can't go scooping things from years ago. I didn't let it go, but I did drop it. I feel if you would lie to your friends for sympathy, you need help and you'll do it again. You want to make yourself seem like the victim. Not cool.

Well, as of today he messaged one of his friends. And in the message his friend said "hey I have a bottle and a room (hotel) you wanna come hang out.' I don't agree with him hanging out with a guy in a room first of all. And I know he would lie and tell me he was going elsewhere. But besides that "his response was, I don't know I'm locked down and I know Im going to hear it.' We have two kids. He comes home and does what he wants to do when he gets off work. I can tell him I have a broken leg Im still expected to make dinner and get the kids to bed, while he's rolled up in a cover sleep. I do understand he works, but on fridays he can leave work and stay out until 12am. I'm over the down talking. My foot is halfway out the door. Im considering confronting him on the text messages but I'm furious right now. SHould I confront him of his loose tongue again or is this normal of men to downtalk their mate?

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:31 AM on Sep. 12, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • So, what is your question?

    Answer by QuinnMae at 8:41 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Not to be too insulting but you sound like a shrew. I am not sure I would want to talk to you about anything if I were him because you're automatically on the attack based on something he did years ago. So you've pretty much shut down all opportunity for communication and, in response, he's not going to tell you anything because you're going to chew him up about it.

    If you want to walk, then walk. If you want to salvage the relationship then you probably need to step back and realize that you're a big part of the problem, as well.

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:50 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • I have to agree with Mrs_Prissy. You made a huge deal over something that happened in the past, and because of that, he knows that you'll make a bigger deal of anything new.

    If you want to make this work, you'll have to let things go. If you can't, or don't want to do that, then I'd say it's time to go.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:13 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Honestly, there are things in your post that point out that there are deeper issues than just him sending messages that painted you in a bad light. You don't sound like you trust him and you sound as though you are already done. Why try to salvage something with someone you don't trust? If you feel like you want to try to make this relationship work, you will have to put some things behind you. I'm not suggesting that you forget the things he wrote about you, but you will ultimately have to forgive him and to try to see things from another point of view going forward. Communication seems like its a problem since he felt it easier to write about you to his friends than to talk to you about that. I would suggest couples counseling if you want to try to repair the relationship. I just am not getting that vibe from your original post though.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:22 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Actually this was like a month ago when he said it was old. and IT happened again today. Ive made up my mind. this is old. Im over this continuously happening

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:31 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Lets face it- YOU AREN'T HAPPY.
    Not because of a text, because of who you become when you're around him.
    Move on.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 10:55 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Stop trying to control every little part of your relationship. Did you think that maybe he says things like that because you go through his person email, FB, and most likely phone cause of how insecure you are. If your relationship sucks you can only blame yourself.

    Answer by CEWarsop at 11:25 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • My brain hurts reading this.

    I think you are not happy and you will FIND a reason to leave. You seem to be SEARCHING for any reason to leave.

    So, my opinion, just say it. I'm not happy, I'm moving on. You have resentment and will not let it go. It ain't gonna work!

    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 11:44 AM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Personally, from what you wrote, I'd say why bother with a confrontation? It sounds like you've got one foot out the door already. Maybe it's time to leave.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:32 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • It sounds like you don't like how he represents you (and the relationship) to his friends. I can understand that. It probably feels embarrassing & insulting.
    I think it might be prudent to consider that his comments may not exactly be "lies" from his point of view. They may not be exactly what you think they are (manufactured as bids for sympathy, or an attempt to play the victim.) Whether or not he is representing things entirely accurately (objectively speaking), and whether or not his perspective on the situation matches yours, it is possible that his comments reflect his feelings about things. It's also possible they are an easy out, a convenient way to say No thanks & dodge responsibility.
    My point is not WHAT the comments are; it is to encourage you not to hold too tightly to your interpretation as The Truth About The Situation.

    I think I would respond by sharing my desire for my partner to represent me better.

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:05 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

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