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Please help me understand... Relationship, but has to do with Military...

I have pretty much BLASTED my MIL from ever showing her face on cafemom. If she appeared, and you all knew the things she's done to my husband, you'd totally disregard any sort of "feelings" she may have, in any sense of the word. She doesn't have true feelings. She's nigh subhuman. Or subhuman,whichever works well.

Sunday, after church, we were out to lunch, waiting for 35mins to get a table. The manager called for us, and we stood, and went to follow... as she literally held my kids down on the bench and took 3 (THREE) "selfies" with my DSs. As she was looking at the 2nd one, the manager called us again, and she looked at him and snapped, "Would you hold on a second!" ---definitely not in question form.

Anyway, DH has enlisted active duty Army. He ships toward the end of this year. We are SUPER excited, as this is something he's always wanted to do. His ultimate goal is to come home and join SWAT or DTF and have a high-intensity job. OK by me. : )

MIL has this sappy, sleazy way about her... she's pouring on the guilt. He brought home a couple of those removable window stickers, you know, the ones that say, "Proud Parent of a Soldier" and the like? He put them in the trash. I said, "You know, your mom might like to have one of those." He gave it to her as soon as we got our table at lunch, and she poured on the puppy eyes, the crying, dear-child-you're-breaking-my-little-heart eyes...

To DH, it was more or less an annoyance that he had to pack it around in the car for 4 hours, and it wasn't some sentimental gift she was taking it as. Which fine, LOOOOVE the sticker. I'll have one too, except mine will obviously say, "Wife." Cool. DH totally did not notice that she stared and stared and stared at him with those watering eyes, and kept looking at the menu. I looked up at her several times as my kids were trying to get her attention as she was trying to get my DH's attention.

Thing is, with all the SH!T my MIL has put DH through, and RUINED our financial future, he "tolerates" her. He doesn't just choose to call his mom. He doesn't just choose to drive the 12 miles to see her. We see her at church, if she goes, most of the time. ONCE in a while, we'll have some money left over from the week before, and we'll go to lunch with her.

DH went to her house Sunday after lunch to move a picture for her. (It's HUGE, I know it takes at least 2 people to move.) He was gone for 4 hours. FOUR hours! He comes home all soft. Limp, dragging almost. He proceeded to complain about how every time he's wanted to do something with his life, his mother has always sent him on a guilt trip. She was giving him the, "I'm already so PROUD of you, WHY do you want to pack up and move away? I'll never see you! I'll never see the boys!" (He made sure to point out she didn't say anything about me except wanted to know if I was encouraging him to go... as if all this was MY idea?)

We literally live 12 miles away. She's been to my house TWICE. Once on 9/20 last year, and once on 4/12 this year. That's it. She's never been here! She drives by here on the daily!

But I swear on it, I have had to reassure and reassure my DH that he's making a decision only he can make, and now all of a sudden, since this stupid, effing guilt trip, he's wavering. And my DH is very black and white. VERY.

I will be damned if she tries to block him from going. I cannot even describe to you the anger and bitterness I have had to let go of for this woman.

I know she is his mother. I understand that. But she's been soooo shitty to him, and now that she doesn't have control over his money, she's vying for all of his attention, and trying to have a say in how he raises his family! It absolutely BLOWS MY MIND!!! Her own X-DH (they have not reconciled, she wants to, but he's not willing, yet finds it in his convenience to have her live with him and do his laundry and feed his "needs.") gives her an allowance!

It just pains me to see her continue to try to take advantage of my DH. I don't know who she's trying to destroy, because she's constantly on damage control.

Please, someone, first validate my feelings, and then tell me she's not the only evil MIL out there?

Answer Question

Asked by matobe at 3:47 PM on Sep. 12, 2013 in Relationships

Level 21 (10,174 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • "He ships towards the end of the year" What does that mean? I have never heard that term in the Army. The Navy maybe.

    Answer by louise2 at 3:59 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • His "Ship Date" as it is listed on his contract is when he leaves for Basic Training.

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 4:05 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Ehhh one thing you'll find out about extended family relationships while being part of the military is you have the option of being thousands of miles away from this crap. If this is what he wants to do and you support him, screw the MIL.

    He has to put this drama behind him when he's in because there is no place for that distraction.

    There are times when I have the isolationism the military life creates, but reading all these posts about family makes me realize I don't have it so bad after all.

    Answer by Izsarejman at 4:05 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Iz, that's exactly the boat we're in. We don't feel like "family" even being this close, and we've moved from 30 miles from the Canadian border to Oklahoma to be closer to them... My friends all dumped me when I got pregnant and couldn't go out with them anymore, and since, I haven't really met anyone I could call a true friend and even make it worth going to visit!

    I have tons of acquaintances, and I am perfectly fine that way. No one really needs to know about every hairy detail of my life, because right now, THAT^^^^ is my life. And it's embarrassing!

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 4:10 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Well she's allowed on cm just as you are. It's not ok for her to be nasty but essentially you're doing the same exact thing?

    Answer by funlovinlady at 4:16 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Does your MIL have a CM acct?

    Just ignore her and your DH needs to have the balls to stand up to her.
    He is now a family man, time to cut the apron strings!

    Answer by KTElite at 4:23 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • I will be damned if she tries to block him from going

    OP do you unserstand how the military works? If he enlisted she cant get in the way of his going.


    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 4:24 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • For the most part, probably. The fact of the matter is, I'm not hiding, my prof pic is truly me (Looked just a few mins ago how to change it, but haven't been around much since point system really got rolling...) and I don't have anything to hide. I'm blunt and honest, but civil. I don't take the free counseling at the church because FIL is the sound-guy and they've been members for YEARS, it'd be a whole 'nother scandal between the two that I don't want to be in the middle of. I've told her and my DH both that I'd be just fine living far, far away from her and her poison. I don't want it rubbing off on my kids. Essentially, I do not want them exposed to being used or manipulated by her as we have been. She has stolen my DH's credit, and short of filing bankruptcy, the only option we have is to sue her or keep moving in hopes of paying it all off one day.

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 4:24 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • I'd sue her ass!

    Regardless of her relationship to you, family would NEVER steal from me!
    That would be the end of any relationship with her!

    Answer by KTElite at 4:28 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

  • Luvmygrandgirl, he's not been sworn in yet. I'm speaking more-or-less from a guilt POV. I don't want her to guilt him into anything, even if it's just a distraction. He's putting his life on the line for the Infantry, and the last thing he needs is his crazy mother trying to impose her "feelings" on him. She's playing a part. Singing the songs. Doing what "mothers are expected to do for their children."

    Please. He's a grown-ass man, and you'd think she'd hang it up after all the dirty she's already put him through! We had to change his SSN because she was still using it, and it costs us almost $15/mo for credit monitoring! (Something that's a great idea anyway, but not anything we would have felt we ever needed to pay for... especially when we don't have a lot of money to spend anyway!)

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 4:29 PM on Sep. 12, 2013

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