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I hear what all of you are saying about letting go when your daughter is in an abusive relationship, which mine is but more verbal and emotional abuse, very controlling. And i have tried to look away

tough love they say, but what do we do about my granddaughter? we hv tried to just be there and she does come around after he has taken all the money and she has nothing to pay bills, so we help her. but then he cries and comes bk all over again for five yrs now. both hv used drugs and we have called cps, dea, and his probation officer but nobody does anythg. so what now, my heart is ripped out and im worried i will hv to bury her or my granddaughter. I don't want to lose either. He just got out of jail and took only money she had for rent, she lost her job, car broke down and he has convince her to cut ties with us. so want now, cut ties? let her and baby on street, in homeless shelter or at some drug house? nobody cares, he has snowed everyone. I'm scared for her and am scared for the baby.

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brokengrandmaw

Asked by brokengrandmaw at 1:32 AM on Sep. 13, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Unfortunately, as an adult it's her decision. I've been there and it's hard to leave when someone we love keeps making us promises and saying how much he loves us (something we crave and need to hear). These guys are great manipulators. It took me about a dozen tries to leave to finally get away. These guys know a good thing when they can find it. Would your daughter consider moving away? Domestic Violence Shelters can help her find a place to get away from him. However, it has to be her choice. Hugs. I know it can't be easy watching it happen to your child and grandchild. I'm very lucky I got my daughters away so they didn't live like that and think it was normal. They grew up and found men who love and care for them without being abusive.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:40 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • You can tell her that you will always love her and be there for her, but without HIM.
    You have to treat this relationship the same way you would if she was on drugs. It needs to hit bottom.
    When it does, be there for her. That's all you can do.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:46 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • I have tried to get her to move, make a new start away from him and us. so she can grow up some and be more self reliant . Granted I do live right down the road so its hard to stand by and watch. I try really hard to stay at my place and rarely go down to hers. she know we are here to help with the baby at anytime. I pray all the time and just has a mother don't understand. I thought she was stronger than this. she just keeps saying I love him and want my family. And believe me we tried at first, even let him stay with us to try and help him off drugs and get a job, but he just gets worse and more controlling. I just want her to live for herself and the baby. I really wish i could get her to move and start new somewhere else.
    brokengrandmaw

    Comment by brokengrandmaw (original poster) at 1:52 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • thank you
    brokengrandmaw

    Comment by brokengrandmaw (original poster) at 1:56 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • I'm so sorry. You are in a no win situation. I know it must be hard because of your granddaughter, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do.  You can get a lawyer and attempt to get custody of your granddaughter, but this is difficult and it'll get ugly.  Your daughter has to clean up her own drug problem before she can fix her life.

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 2:19 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • I'm sorry. It must be incredibly hard to watch your daughter put herself and her child through such misery. I can't even imagine. How old is your granddaughter? The bottom line is that your daughter hcan make her own bad choices and suffer the consequences, but your granddaughter is along for the ride and at the mercy of the adults who aren't putting her first. Your priority has to be helping the innocent one. Keep calling CPS. Get her teachers or others in her life who know the situation she's in also to call. Otherwise, in fifteen or twenty years, you'll get another verse of the same sad song with that precious little girl.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:00 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • I know it is hard for you to do. But you need to stop helping her. She want to be in this situation. Let her be. If you want to do something. Call CPS on her. When she need help. Tell her you will take the kids for her. That is all.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:39 AM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • I have tried to get her to move, make a new start away from him and us. I pray all the time and just as a mother don't understand. I thought she was stronger than this. she just keeps saying I love him and want my family. I just want her to live for herself and the baby. I really wish i could get her to move and start new somewhere else.

    Task #1: I think the key is to feel your feelings, wishes, and your lack of understanding as mentioned above. FEEL how much you want her to do these things, to make these changes, to leave him--rather than focusing on trying to MAKE her or "get her to" do these things! This is the concept of "detaching with love." Al-Anon is all about that--untangling ourselves from taking responsibility for loved one's actions, including trying to control them into "good" choices, and focusing on taking responsibility for our own behaviors. Learning to better tolerate our discomfort & worry helps.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:28 PM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • He just got out of jail and took only money she had for rent, she lost her job, car broke down and he has convince her to cut ties with us. so what now, cut ties? let her and baby on street, in homeless shelter or at some drug house?

    #2: how to proceed....

    You asked, so what now, cut ties?
    My answer (in light of the previous comments about "detaching with love") is No. He has convinced her to cut ties. That doesn't mean you have to "cut ties."
    You can make your own decisions about the place you stand in relation to her. This can be consistent regardless of what she wants or does.
    Detaching with love is not about emotional cutoff, or "tough love" in the sense of refusing to offer support or to "be there" unless she meets certain conditions. It's about recognizing that you can't control her (such as offering support IF she meets your conditions) and that YOU decide your actions.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:37 PM on Sep. 13, 2013

  • When you can let go of expectations of her in response to your feelings or your assistance, she will start to feel more free (less controlled.) That is the value of "letting go" but it's even more effective when you can TRULY let go of your expectations that she should do this or make that decision.

    When you let go of those expectations, then your support is no longer an attempt to control the outcome of things.
    When YOU decide whether or not you will "be there" for her, or if you are done, then it's not about her behavior "making you" back off. It's you DECIDING you will not extend yourself. There's a difference. It's the parent taking responsibility, rather than blaming her own decision on the adult child's behavior.
    When you can own your decision to be available, or not available, you are getting to a healthy place and it's good for her as well.

    It is heartbreaking. But it's positive, too. Best wishes to you!!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:43 PM on Sep. 13, 2013

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