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To move or not to move

I am currently living in Pennsylvania with my 13 year old daughter and 9 year old daughter and my husband. I was offered a teaching position in NC that would change our life. We would be making more financially and I would have my dream job. Here is my problem. My 13 year old is very shy and has a lot of anxiety especially social anxiety. When I told the kids about moving they both cried and begged not to. My 13 year old really took it hard and said she will not make friends and that I will be ruining her life. I don't know what to do. My husband says I cannot let the kids run the show but for my 13 year old I feel that this is a serious problem for her and it is a real fear. She is in 8th grade and I know being a girl in 8th grade is hard with bullies and cliques. I want to turn down the job and not put this stress on my already anxious/depressed teen but this is a life changing opportunity because we struggle now.

Answer Question

Asked by jenjen1219 at 12:25 PM on Sep. 16, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Take the job.
    All children say the same things. Chang is scary and hard but if you approach it positively you can help them to accept it. If your child never does things that are scary and hard as a child she will not have the tools to do it as an adult. She will make new friends and she will be just fine.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:31 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • My thought is that taking your child's feelings seriously & turning down the job because of her anxiety are two different things. You don't have to DO one (make decisions based on her feelings) to do the other (take her seriously & care about the situation very much.)

    I think it makes a lot of sense to take our children (and their feelings & preferences!) into account when we make family decisions, but it's still our responsibility to make the decisions we believe are right/best. Deciding to turn down the job out of fear is not "wrong," but I don't think that is the "right" (or only) way to respond constructively TO her fear & resistance!! I think it is entirely possible for you & your husband to decide to move, and to make space for your children's negative reactions to it. What is helpful is to recognize that SHE owns the problem (of her upset feelings) & that YOUR job is to help facilitate her emotional process.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:36 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • (Your job is to help her through the process of feeling how she feels and going through the feelings! Your job is NOT fixing it or making it better, or solving the problem for her. That is an attempted end-run around "negativity" that will never work. Because the problem is INSIDE her! But if you can witness her fear, anger, desperation, and pessimism, just listening & caring, you are doing something very constructive for her. This is a powerful "antidote" for anxiety....being able to allow it to be, and staying with the person through their dread & through their aversion to those feelings.)

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:42 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • The kids will be will take a little time, but if this job is a good thing for you-then DO it.
    We have moved MANY times, it is easier when they are younger, but they did fine when they got older too. They will bitch and mope some, but it will be okay. Also, moving now isn't like it used to be- there are ways for the friends to stay in touch without running up phone bills and such (like when I was a kid and had to move- moving then was pretty much the end of those friendships)

    Let them know that you don't *want* to move them, but that this is going to be good for the family and that they will make new friends, as well as keep the old ones :)

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 1:01 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • You are moving. Now she'll be "the new girl".
    Did you ever have a new boy move into your school at that age? OMG all the girls were in LOVE!!!!

    She gets to re-invent herself, be whoever she wants to be, and have a whole new start, away from the dotky guys she's known forever, and all the cliques at her old school. This is your marketing strategy.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:03 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • *dorky*

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:04 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • You have to do what you have to do so you and your kids can have a better life. Of course they'll be upset at first, but they'll take their cues from you in the end and it could be a positive step for all of you.

    Answer by Ballad at 2:07 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • PGA's answer is dead on target.

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:48 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • Take the job and move. PGA is on target.

    I am a Navy brat, so moving was a natural part of my childhood. Yes, it's rough, but it's doable. You need to be open to their concerns, but you must do what is in the best interest of the family as a whole. She will survive, even flourish in a new environment. And with Facebook, staying in contact with her old friends will be easy, too.

    Congratulations on the job, and have a happy and safe move!

    Answer by May-20 at 2:59 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

  • Most kids don't want to move. I say take the job. As soon as you know you have the job and are moving. Inform the kids. Make it known they need to get ready for it. Mentally.   Because it is going to happen.  Your DH is right. Do not let your kids run the show.  Change is good.   What is she going to do in 5 years when she graduates?


    Answer by louise2 at 3:37 PM on Sep. 16, 2013

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