Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

He told her our intimate details! What would you do? adult content

I did it. I looked through my husbands phone. I had this nagging feeling, and one day he forgot it, so I went through it. A little voice told me, "don't do it, you'll only hurt yourself"...well come to find out that he has been conversing with some chick he knew from middle school, and it was a very sexual convo. What is worse then that, is that he told her intimate details on our sex life. There weren't any negative things said about me, only that I nag him about bills, (which I do, because he never tells me what he's going to contribute, so I'm always in limbo). I got really upset obviously, and tried to sleep but couldn't, so by the 3rd sleeping pill and a beer, I ended up just confronting him. He said it was a joke, that he was just getting a laugh out of her cause she was a whore in school, and still was. Then when I was sleeping he wrote me a letter saying how bad he felt, that he went through the messages, and how disgusting and awful they were and how he wouldn't blame me if I never forgave him. He also said he didn't remember having those conversations, which is stupid because they were over several months, not just a one time occurrence. So now, I'm just not trusting him at all and I think I want to really leave him. What would you do? I don't think he's ever cheated, but it hurts me that he discussed personal stuff about us to someone else, let alone another woman.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:43 PM on Sep. 17, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Think about marriage counseling, from building trust again, better communication and understanding contribution to bills is not a part of marriage.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:49 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • Well, how is he aside of this incident? Has he been a good friend and husband otherwise?

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:06 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • This isn't the first time that I have caught him talking about me to others, but it was his friends before, in which I told him it wasn't appropriate. I don't tell my girlfriends details. The most they know is if there is trouble or if things are good. He is an alcoholic and that's what I was checking into... he hides that from me, but I know when he buys his booze. I wanted to see what shit he was saying about a fight we had over it. It's been a problem and I've tried to be supportive cause he says he needs help but he never does anything. I am a busy woman. I have four kids, work, go to school and volunteer at a DV facility. So no, he's not that good, but he's not bad. I know it's in my best interest to leave him, but I'm afraid to hurt him, and of course it hurts me. I'm not really financially stable either, although I feel I am the only responsible one in this marriage for the most partt

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:18 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • I wouldn't throw away a perfectly good man over one incident. I'd say take this as a teaching moment. Quit nagging (sorry but you admitted you did it). Work out a payment schedule for bills and tell him when his money is required and for what. Then be there for him for casual talk, which is what she did. She gave him an opportunity to talk about anything he wanted and obviously he had stuff he wanted to unload. Be that for him. Be what she was for him, an outlet for stuff he wants to talk about, even sex. According to the book Why Men Cheat, based on a study done by talking to men who cheated, men cheat because their EMOTIONAL needs are not being met. Try that and see if things are not better. Your marriage can grow from this. He doesn't need her or other women but he DOES need his wife to be his friend, confidante, lover, etc.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:18 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • That's just it, we do talk about that stuff, we have a good sex life... and I only get into finances with him, because he refuses to sit down with me and go over them, and he lies about what he makes and he spends money on himself when bills aren't being paid and we're struggling to put food in the fridge. Just typing this is just confirming to myself what an immature ass she is, and how stupid I am for putting up with it. I told him, he needs to get help for his addiction, and we need counseling if we want to stay together, but I don't think I can stand being with him in the meantime. But the problem is he has been getting better and he has been trying but he just isn't being honest with me, and I don't know how we can move forward and how I can not be resentful towards him.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:26 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • It sounds to me like this incident is just a symptom of a deeper trust problem. I'm thinking you really need a counselor, a neutral third party, who can help both of you work through your feelings--if you want to save the marriage. If you don't, well, you don't need this reason to justify your wish to get out.

    Answer by Ballad at 10:36 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • I think Ballad is right. You will be able to form a plan of action and hopefully stick to it. even if you decide to leave, at least you will have carefully thought everything through. GL

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:50 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • I'd suggest treatment for alcohol abuse and counseling once he is sober.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:24 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • I'm not seeing "good man" here. I am seeing someone who can be rehabilitated. But counseling is required. Immediately. If he refuses to go, that tells you the value he place son your marriage.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:38 PM on Sep. 17, 2013

  • To me it is not about what he was saying. But him talking to another women. Never say he hasn't cheated. You didn't't know he was talking to her did you?

    Answer by louise2 at 7:59 AM on Sep. 18, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.