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How to handle this?

I have a few friends that I wrote a group message to regarding some personal stuff going on. It was stuff regarding cars, house, and my kids. They went ahead and told other people about it, but claim they didn't say anything about the kids stuff. I am upset they told others anything I wrote in a private message. I don't know if I believe them that they didn't say anything about the kids stuff. Am I crazy to think a private message should be private?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:28 AM on Sep. 21, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Electronic messages aren't inherently private. It would be very similar to you just talking to them as a group around the dinner table. You can ask that they not share any information you provide but that's no guarantee that they won't.

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 8:36 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Were they trying to be helpful or bitchy?

    Answer by feralxat at 8:42 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • They claim helpful, but it was shared with people I don't know or don't know well at a MNO.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:43 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • did you ask them not to discuss these things with others?

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 8:51 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I have no idea what an MNO is.
    Do you want to maintain the friendships?
    And yeah, for some people, if they aren't told, "Keep this private" they don't assume it is.

    I even have to tell my own friends every now and again, "This is just between us" and even then I dont tell them stuff that would put them in too tight a spot. Ya Know?

    Answer by feralxat at 8:58 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • If you said, please keep this private, or please don't mention this to anyone else, then they should have respected your request. The best thing to do is to never put anything in writing that you don't want the world to see.

    Answer by Bmat at 9:22 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I'm sorry MNO is Moms night out.

    I didn't say to keep it private. I guess I just assumed it would be kept private since it was a private message.

    I have def. learned a lot from this.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • If you didn't specify they should keep it private, then it's not their fault. Privacy has become such a rare thing anymore that you have to assume your words will not be kept private unless you ask, rather than the other way around.

    I would let them know that you aren't happy with what they did, but admit that you take some of the blame by not telling them to keep it private. In the future, make sure you start off any messages or conversations you want kept private with the words, "Please keep this to yourselves."

    Answer by wendythewriter at 10:45 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Is that Moms' Night Out?
    It's hard to determine the context or motive. People can talk out of concern & sincere/well-intended sharing while with a group of "moms," or out of pleasure in having something to say about someone else. It really depends on the people & situation.
    I can imagine parents I know sharing that a mutual acquaintance really could use some help/support, and it would not be "icky" in intent. (People really do help, and it's an extended community not a "tight" social network, so people wouldn't automatically know each other's business but still would care and might be prepared to help in some way....with vehicle issues/solutions, playdates/childcare, etc.) So I know that "talk" isn't automatically undermining or gossipy. It is more a question of the individuals.
    The fact is, you're upset. It doesn't feel good to know that this info was shared. It's not even a question of wrongdoing or not; you're simply upset!

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:52 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • It is possible to be upset (simply because of feeling embarrassed or ashamed, or simply because of something unexpected happening and in response either thinking that someone shouldn't have done that or that I should have stated it was private) without anything wrong having happened. My upset feelings don't imply fault somewhere.

    I can understand the feeling of having learned a lot from this!

    I'm sorry it happened to you; it sounds sensitive and embarrassing, and just unsettling. Even just being unexpected is a jolt. Even when ultimately it turns out being okay because you come to terms with it, it's still a process you go through. You have to realize what happened (generally an upsetting discovery that in part is so upsetting BECAUSE it was a surprise/unexpected), feel your feelings, and adjust.

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:04 AM on Sep. 21, 2013

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