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My adult son came at Thanksgiving and will no longer see me or talk to me.

When he and my daughter-in-law and grandchildren came my daughter-in-law asked to take a bath before they all left. She gave my grandchildren a bath and she also took one. While using the jacuzzi she left the jets on and water sprayed all over between the wall and the tub. She left the mess of water and all the towels in the floor for me to clean up. Neither of them gave me a hug or a kiss when they came in but only wanted to know why Thanksgiving dinner was not ready. My grandson was the only one who would kiss me. When I said something to my son later in an e-mail about it and told him that I was not here to clean up her mess and I had cooked the entire Thanksgiving dinner without thanks and without any hugs or kisses when they all left. My son sent an e-mail back to me stating that I will never see my grandchildren again. He posted some very bad things about me online. This was 2 yrs ago I have never heard from him. Oh Yeh - Did I mention that I had with 6 month lost my mother and my daddy and made a major move from one state to another and retired early to be close to my kids and was diagnosed with breast cancer? This he did in knowing all that I had been through. Does this make a difference in these answers? He wants me to like his wife and I cannot. She is respectful and if anything I deserve respect as being a mother. I love my son and grandchildren and I have tried every way possible to get along with them and my own cost, not his. This is not a "poor me or take pity on me. I am not asking that nor expect this. I have tried every way possible but if his only solution is to degrade and/or demoralize me that seems not to be the solution. I have tried every way possible. Oh Yeh - Have I added that he is an alcoholic. That seems to be when he got online and tried to destroy me in his own little way. He is mad for me not being what he wants me to be. I have always told him never to get mad at people because they do not do what you think they should do. Doing what they think is the right thing to do is what is what them people. I do not expect a thank you for everything I do. I also do not expect do be "dumped" on. I have cleaned up after everyone forever and if my daughter-in-law is old enough to have children then she is old enough to clean up her own messes. I am not saying I was right by saying anything but if I had not it would have happened again and again. I jsut do not know. AFter everything I have dealt with all within one year this was then most heart breaking I have ever had. My husband and I gave up our home and life to come and live near our children but we are now leaving to move back. There is nothing here for us. We should maybe have stayed 3 states away. We wanted our older years to be closer to our children but we never hear from them. Since every answer I seen to be getting her thus far is t degrade me and not try to understand my situation this seems not to be my "mommy post" People should not be answering with destructive and name calling comments. These replies seem to be no better than my situation.

Answer Question
 
abc410

Asked by abc410 at 12:20 PM on Sep. 21, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (15 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • What are you going to own up to saying or doing? I have a very hard time believing they're being assholes for no reason and you've been nothing but warm and loving. There has to be more going on in this story.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 12:25 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Thank you for sharing.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 12:28 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • The way you tell the story, your son and daughter-in-law are selfish jerks, and you'd be better off without them in your home or your life. That being said, there are two sides to every coin. Perhaps your son would tell a very different version of what happened at Thanksgiving and what led up to that day. If you want hope of resolving this, you'll have to first be honest with yourself about where his anger might be coming from and how you might have contributed to it.

    Holidays are confusing. I was outraged with my husband's family the first year before they were married because they came up, ate like locusts, and sat down to watch football. I expected they would help me clean up, at least, but I didn't ask directly because in my family growing up, helping clear away the meal went without saying. My husband said they would have helped if I'd asked, and I learned to be a lot more proactive that day.

    (cont.)
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:34 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I'm estranged from my family, and while I'm sure they've come up with a neat little story, the way you have in your mind, to blame everything on me, I know what the reasons are that we fell out. Denying them won't make them go away. Obviously, something must have angered your son--not seeing you for two years and writing an e-mail saying you'll never se your grandchildren again is a very strong reaction. Hardly normal over a complaint of his wife not cleaning up the mess in your bathroom. It sounds to me like you've got a lot of listening to do, if your son will talk. Listening without justifying your feelings or bringing up why you are upset. Hard work, but worth it maybe, if it's the only way to heal the rift.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:38 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I know how you feel. I have had run in with both my kids and one hasn't talked to me in around 10 years and the other about 2 I think.. Mine want me to be a totaly different person then who I am. I am not going to ass kiss or change for them.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 12:43 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • What a story!!!

    No really thanks for sharing your completely pointless story.
    I'm pretty sure there's more to it then just poor mommy is getting shit on....
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 12:59 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • That truly is a bummer. It's not what any of us consider as a possible eventuality when we have a baby.
    Here is a passage I really like from a book on parenting written by a family therapist:
    "I would imagine that human beings have always experienced a sense of wonder, reverence, and responsibility, when first confronted with the new life they have created. The desire and urge to protect and love the child, and the will to give him or her a good life, unfold like a sunrise within us. Even those of us who had an unhappy childhood and are not happy in our present lives feel this urge."

    I imagine you had that experience too, and that looking at your sleeping newborn you were suffused with the certainty that this new human being was wonderful & precious, simply because he existed! I imagine you felt good intentions.
    I can imagine you're feeling hurt, angry & wronged--that this reality is so far from where you ever imagined going.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:10 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I imagine there is more to the story, but really my mil and my mom don't expect any thanks for the things they do for us, it's just done out of love. And neither of them will let me help clean up, they tell me I do enough of that on a daily basis. So I think the things you were upset about are pretty petty.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 1:22 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • A giving heart gives without any expectations...expectations hurt.
    older

    Answer by older at 1:37 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • While I would have cleaned up after my and my kid's mess I can't see getting so worked up over a guest not doing so to send them an email of all things. Add to that the fact that they control whether they see your grandkids or not I would have kept my mouth shut.

    I agree with Missanc and Older
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 1:59 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

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