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2 Bumps

Do you try to make your dh feel bad bc he made you feel bad?

The other day our kids were acting up (ds12 & dd10) I mean they both getting on my dh's nerves he had worked graveyards and woke up in a bad mood.
Out of the blue I asked him I don't get it what am I doing wrong as far as dicipline these kids they listen to you more than me, they walk all over me. Then I had to bring it up (I don't know why) I asked why do your older kids from a previous marriage (my step kids) acted alittle better when they were little than our own kids. He says bc his ex had a backbone and I don't and when she said no it meant no. I don't know why but that hit me the wrong way.
I asked him how do you know she was firm with the kids you only was with her for 4 years with kids (they were married 10 yrs.) he is like I knew her. As far as I knew she would like to go to bars so I don't see where she was a good disicipliner. I mean my sk are good and well behaived so why are mine so wild :( (my sk are dd21 & ds19)
Anyway yesterday I was having a bad day and he lifted me up so my day went better...but after saying what he said "his ex had a back bone and I don't. I stupidly said we'll remember yesterday you lifted me up I just wanted to let you know "Anybody" could have lifted me up and walked off. (I just wanted to make him feel the way he made me feel) I know childish but that is what I felt :(
he just walked out and left for work. No kiss goodbye or nothing. I know I hit a nerve too but doesn't he realize he hurt me too.
Sorry so long but thanks for reading and leaving a response.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:52 PM on Sep. 21, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • What does her going to bars have to do with her being a good mother??

    Do you back up what you say?
    Do you hold firm your discipline?
    KTElite

    Answer by KTElite at 5:56 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Did you tell him what he said hurt you? That you are not as good in his eyes as his ex?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:57 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • To answer your question, if my DH hurts my feelings, I don't go out of my way to hurt his.
    I just give him the silent treatment.
    KTElite

    Answer by KTElite at 5:58 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • All I can say is: Boys are dumb.

    Thursday on the way home from work my husband pissed me off, and STILL doesn't seem to get what he said was hurtful. We're dealing with some drama with some friends of ours. He thinks he's a great negotiator, and I'm awful, just because he has a cooler head than I do. So, he told me that if/when he gets a sit-down arranged, he wants me to just sit there and say nothing while he does all the talking.

    He can't even accurately describe a wet paper bag without confusing me.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 6:00 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • It sounds to me like you asked a honest question of your dh, and he gave you an honest answer. You might not like it, but it could still be true. Maybe you should: 1. Examine your parenting and see if he's right. ,2. Tell him you're sorry for being grouchy with him. What he said about his ex was less than tactful, and I understand it hurt your feelings but you knew he was waking up grouchy, frustrated with the kids, and tired....so asking then wasn't the best timing
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 6:01 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • So, people who go out and have adult time are incapable of controlling their kids?


    (I just wanted to make him feel the way he made me feel) I know childish but that is what I felt
    Perhaps your children see the immaturity in you and do not take you seriously.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 6:03 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • In answer to your title question, no. That's a childish way to respond.

    I agree with Nimue. You don't have to LIKE the ex to be able to learn something from her. I've learned some great lessons from people I really couldn't stand but they knew their stuff.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:17 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • That was a really shitty thing for him to say to you but he left her for a reason..maybe you have a kinder heart than she does, maybe she instilled fear in the kids because she was a bitch, who knows but that is the ultimate insult in my mind someone telling me I don't have a backbone would make me want to spit nails but I wouldn't respond in kind or try to hurt them back I would tell them to take their comment and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Does he walk all over you too? Sometimes people who have grown used to meaner people don't respect the ones that aren't..kindness sometimes gets misunderstood as weakness and doesn't garner the respect that it's worthy of.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:17 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Making someone else feel bad, because that person hurt you or for any reason, won't ever yield positive results. Not ever. I can't say I've never done anything like that, but I try not to. If I take a second to stop and think, I try to decide if what I'm about to say will make the situation better or worse. If it's worse, I count to ten and walk away.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:52 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Nope, it's not what I try to do.
    Sometimes I don't do a good job of taking care of my feelings & my partner or my kids end up the "recipients" of my reaction, rather than true responsiveness.
    But I'm aware that it was a mistake, and I don't consciously operate on the payback level. If I identify hurt feelings or anger about something that happened, I try to take responsibility for my feelings & own them as mine, not lay blame.

    I can see why you'd be upset!
    I think I'd chalk some of it up to grouchiness not responsibly/lovingly handled. Also, I would not automatically put weight into someone's "analysis" of such a complex dynamic (after all, the element of WHY the kids in question "behave" isn't being considered, such as if it was fear-based compliance, and whether or not it's healthy.) I also would have to make room for his opinion to be what it IS (without judging it as disloyal, hurtful or wrong.) And yes, it's his OPINION.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:24 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

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