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4 Bumps

Single moms--how do you do it?

Ok, first off, I'm not implying ANYTHING right now. My husband's shenanigans a couple days ago have triggered a very familiar thought pattern.

Do I REALLY want him around? kinda
Would I be better off without him? maybe
Why do I stay? because I'm scared I'll be a sucky single parent like my dad was
Do I really want a divorce? no
Can I do it on my own? probably
What if I'm like my dad? gods I hope not
Do I still love him? I don't know
Did I ever love him? I don't know
and on and on and on

To all of you single mom with at least 2 kids, how do you do it? How do you manage to work full time, and be a full time parent? I would need a job that pays $15-$20/hr to be able to make ends meet. All I have is a high school diploma, with some college education. My dad was a single, working father to me, and he failed. He was never home to help with homework. He was never there when I needed someone to talk to. When we moved out of his parent's house when I was 10, I essentially raised myself.

I don't want that for my kids. It's VERY lonely.

I'm not happy in my marriage though. He does/says something stupid that really hurts me, then just tiptoes around until he thinks I'm over my little snit. He never asks me what's wrong or why I'm sad/upset. He just ignores the elephant in the room until he thinks it goes away.

I don't know if I'm being over emotional because of the recent full moon, or if I'm just massively PMSing because my period is due next week. Whatever the case, I'm in a mood and throwing myself a bit of a pity party now.

Honestly though, how do you single moms find your balance between working/providing for your kids, and BEING there for your kids?

Answer Question
 
Rosehawk

Asked by Rosehawk at 6:57 PM on Sep. 21, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 40 (116,044 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • Well, 1st of all, I feel like some women (myself included) get such bad PMS, or PMDD, that they should not make major life decisions the week before! Your nerves are more on edge at that time. Bottom line is, have you tried counseling to work thru all the issues you are having? Is he abusive? Is he a cheater? Can you honestly say you have given him & your marriage a fair shot? You know how hard it is on your own. But staying for the kids' sake is not right either. Personally, it would have to be pretty horrible for me to walk away from my marriage & change my family's dynamics. Think it thru. Have some chocolate & sleep on it. :p
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:05 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • have you tried counseling to work thru all the issues you are having? Sort of. We did a little counseling through his Bishop (Mormon) but I didn't see how praying about fixing our differences/problems was going to fix anything

    Is he abusive? No, just thoughtless

    Is he a cheater? Does an addiction to porn count?

    Can you honestly say you have given him & your marriage a fair shot? Good question. We've been together for 11 years. But, have I done all I could? Probably not. Hell I don't know. I'm a biased perspective.
    Rosehawk

    Comment by Rosehawk (original poster) at 7:12 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I'm not a single mom, since my boyfriend does put in a little money and a varying amount of effort, depending on the day. I just want you to know I completely understand that thought pattern of yours. Been there, done that, return to it periodically. Hang in there, and know that whatever you decide to do, you won't repeat your dad's mistakes because you are conscious of them. You won't be perfect, but you know what you don't want for your kids. I'm not perfect, but I know what I don't want for my daughter because of what my mom did to me. There's something to be said for that.

    Would your husband consider counseling or communications classe? Ignoring elephants in the room is a supremely bad idea, because those elephants eventually get feisty and bite people in the ass.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 7:15 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Would your husband consider counseling or communications classes? He might, but our budget won't . We have to get REAL creative with out budget to be able to pay bills on time AND buy groceries. There is just nothing left over.
    Rosehawk

    Comment by Rosehawk (original poster) at 7:18 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • We did a little counseling through his Bishop
    Didn't he talk to DH about recommitting to the relationship and putting the same effort into the marriage as he did when he was trying to get you to marry him?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 7:20 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Mormon Bishops have no training in counseling. if you really want to try and make things work go see a real Therapist/Counselor...even Catholic priests have to go through formal training on counseling. Bishops do not, many have secondary jobs...the one who wanted to counsel my husband years ago was a mechanic lol
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 7:21 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • @ feral: No. Our marriage was an -or else marriage. The conception of our son got him excommunicated from the church. In order for him to "get back in" he had to marry me or move out. We got married when our son was 6 months old.

    @tnt: those were some of my thoughts. HOW can someone who's elected to this position, has no formal training, and has a day job be in any position to help my marriage
    Rosehawk

    Comment by Rosehawk (original poster) at 7:26 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • as ive said before- vodka.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 7:35 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • I was a single mom of 3 for several years. I went back to school full time to community college so I could eventually provide more/better. I worked part time waiting tables while going to school, got WIC, food stamps, and child support. Things were tight for a while but when I graduated I was making 40K/year and things got a lot easier. I did have family and friends willing to help with babysitting so that helped a lot! When my kids went to their dads for the weekend I worked non stop pretty much from Friday afterschool every shift through Sunday night. But knowing it was for my kids and there was an end (when I graduated), made it worthwhile.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 7:36 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

  • Two things that come immediately to my mind when I read what you wrote:

    1. Your list of questions - I always had those questions before my divorce. But I also know people who have been married for 17 years, or even 30+ years who ask themselves those same questions. Yet they will tell you they love their spouse, and they want to be with them. When you're angry/upset/irritated, of course you feel like you don't love them or want to be with them. But how do you feel when you aren't angry/upset/irritated?

    2. Your dad - I don't know him, or your situation growing up, but he may have honestly been doing the best he could. Being a single parent isn't easy. It's hard work, lots of work, and exhausting. But when compared to the alternative of an abusive or just plain unhappy marriage, it's better. You may not do the same things your dad did to you, but your kids may grow up to think you could have done better/different...
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:38 PM on Sep. 21, 2013

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