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Coping strategies with a DIL that is only 19

my son who is 25 married a 19 year old after she got pregnant...that is a whole other can of disappointment im dealing with...
My pickle is this... they moved in with me shortly after the birth, my son has lived on his own since he graduated high school but couldn't pay for a place and pay for college with a family..... but she left after 2 months because i expected her to pull her own weight. They lived here rent free, did not pay for groceries or misc needed items. My son is finishing college and well now she has dropped out of school to play house wife even though everyone from both sides of the family offered solutions to keep her in school.
Her job? to keep zone 1 clean, that would be my kitchen. I work10 hours a day, my son worked 8 and then 4 at school(he pays for his own college) I cooked, kept the bathrooms clean and my elderly mother did the dusting and vacuuming. my son mowed the 2 acres took out trash and helped me with all horses and barn cleaning.
i realize she is 19 and i keep trying to remind myself of that.. but she moved out and dangled their son to make my son move out because in her words "i don't feel comfortable living here because your mom told me to do the dishes" i grew up old school like a lot of you, so this did not sit well with me but i kept my mouth shut and explained as carefully as i could that in life you must earn your keep, you must contribute to your household, especially when that household is supporting you and your family. So she moved out and is having her mother pay her rent.
I am not allowed to keep the grand baby unsupervised, in fact my son cant bring him over if she isnt going to be here period. when she is here, she follows me around literally from room to room, when i asked my son if she's afraid i'm going to do something to the baby he says no..... the bizarre behavior continues, it literally makes me uncomfortable and my friends are starting to notice this and have commented on it, i find it very creepy and well embarrassing,.
how can i make this situation better? i've asked my therapist friend for advice and she keeps telling me the girl has serious issues and i can not fix this, but i need more than that, i have waited for a grand baby for soo long! i'm missing out on the baby moments.. and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to say to her, i try to just smile and pretend like everything is fine, i consciously try to be careful of what i say, how i say it... but nothing works any advice on how to talk to this girl, something a 19 year old can grasp.

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texasgal1970

Asked by texasgal1970 at 7:00 PM on Sep. 22, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • She's 19. She's immature and probably a little spoiled. That said, why is your son going along with keeping the child from your presence? What does he say when you ask him this?

    As a secondary issue, I'm disappointed that your "therapist friend" basically diagnosed your grandchild's mother without having once examined her. I'd take that little tidbit ("serious issues") with a grain of salt.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 7:07 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Unfortunately the therapist is correct. There isn't anything you can do to fix it. If your son grows some sense, it will change. But there's nothing *you* can do. I know it hurts.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:08 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Yeah, it sounds like she has some issues that she needs to deal with, like the therapist suggested
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 7:09 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Wait.....the therapist hasn't even seen this girl! She's going completely off second hand information.....how is that ethical?
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 7:13 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Well, for one, if she follows you everywhere, go into the kitchen  (or the laundry room, etc.. .) and start cleaning, hand her a dish towel, and very sweetly say, "Thank you so much for helping me in the kitchen, I really appreciate it" I bet she stops following you.

    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 7:16 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Have you tried offering to baby sit so they can have a romantic evening together alone?
    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 7:19 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how this hurts you, missing out on a precious time with your grandson. Hopefully the mom will get tired of playing Happy Homemaker soon and turn loose a bit. I really don't think there's anything you can do, if you've already spoken to your son and he isn't willing to back you up.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 7:36 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Give up the idea you will be in the gran kids life like you want. And stay as far away from her as possible .
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:47 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • I agree with Ballad, she'll get tired of playing homemaker eventually, and will want childcare. In the meantime, I'd be kind to her, and try to repair your relationship. I agree that every adult living in a home has to do their share, and wouldn't have put up with someone being lazy in my home either, but I think it's difficult for adult kids to live with parents anyway....even harder in-laws.

    I'd let your son know that you love him, and want to be a good grandmother, and that not living together probably helps. Then I'd just try to let time heal things. Good luck!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 8:00 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Your grandbaby is as much your son's baby as hers. If your son wanted to bring him over to see you, there's not a whole lot she could do. You may not can change her, but you should be able to talk to your son.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 10:31 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

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