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4 Bumps

He wrote me a letter

First, thank you, all of you, for putting up with all this drama I keep posting. I found out today that my husband wrote me a letter about the current drama. He then emailed it to me, yesterday. I didn't find it until today, right before he left for church. I've been sitting here for 4 hours now debating whether I wanted to post it to get y'all's take on it.

What do YOU make of this? I have my own opinions.

[My first name]-

You asked Facebook why someone would say such a mean and hurtful thing to someone else and then just continue on like nothing was said. My answer to that is because sometimes the truth hurts. You and I both know that your temper can get the better of you at times. It is for this reason that I said that at times I would like it if you sat there and said nothing. I know you well enough to know that the comments/reactions you would have would only fan the fires and would hinder more than help. When you react in anger and frustration you have the tendency to speak before think and lose the ability to reason. You throw up walls to anything anyone else has to say and refuse to listen if it means you might be in the wrong in one way or another.

This whole situation with [Mutual Male Friend] can easily be fixed if we ALL just sit down like adults and talk about what is going on. You and [Mutual Male Friend] are very similar when it comes to the way people treat your kids. He has taken offense to the way you treat [Child] with such disdain that she claims to not feel welcome in our home. In a way I agree with him. You are one who can hold a grudge for a very long time when you feel you have been hurt. It is your defense from your entire life. You have held a grudge against your dad for years. You hold grudges against my family for things that they have done to defend their family, as you would have done in similar situations. You hold grudges against me so often that I have found it easier to deal with you being mad at me then to try and fix things. That is my mistake. That has caused way more frustration and strife between us than anything else.

It is for this reason that I am writing you this letter. You and I both tell the kids that the world does not revolve around them. Where do you think they learn it from? I know there are plenty of times that I act like I am the center of the universe and everything is about me, but so do you. No matter how much I do to help out, it appears to go unnoticed by you. I know that this is a two way street and the same can be said to me. However, let me say this. You get frustrated and angry with me for coming home from work and sitting on the computer or watching TV and not getting things done as you expect me to. Hi Pot I am Kettle. How long does it take for you to get laundry taken care of? How often to you tell [Son] that the litter box needs to be cleaned but not do it that often yourself. I had agreed to have cats again on the condition that they were YOUR responsibility. That did not mean delegating the duties of litter box, food, and water to the kids.

You do not like to be told when you are in the wrong. You do not like to be told anything. You snap and the least bit of attitude but give nothing but attitude when you are confronted with the possibility that you are wrong.

I am sorry if your feelings were hurt by my comments on Thursday or by my comments here but I felt that you needed to hear these things. I truly do love you and want you to get everything your heart desires. You mean so much to me that cannot find an appropriate way of showing you. Nothing feels sufficient.

Please consider everything that I have said with an open mind and think about it. I LOVE YOU. I do not want to see you hurt or lose friends over miscommunication/misunderstandings. [Female Mutual Friend] and [Male Mutual Friend] love you. They do not want to lose you as a friend. It was for this reason that they got [Someone Else] to watch their littles so you wouldn’t have to.

Your Husband-

[His Name]

Answer Question
 
Rosehawk

Asked by Rosehawk at 7:29 PM on Sep. 22, 2013 in Relationships

Level 40 (116,044 Credits)
Answers (29)
  • I can see how a letter of that nature would be hurtful and perhaps even angering but it sounds like a lot of thought went into it. Correct or incorrect those are his feelings. Perhaps give it time to sink in then email him back. Try emailing back and forth some before deciding to talk about it face to face. A face to face conversation needs to take place but maybe emailing a little first will help make that part easier. Feeling will already be int he open and only solutions will need to be discussed.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:38 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Well, I took a look at the other post, *and* at another of your posts expressing surprise that the filter between your mouth and brain worked. You admitted in another post that you have a temper and sometimes just talk before you think.

    And what he writes supports your own admission.

    So, while he should not have told you to sit there and say nothing... he may have a point. I only know what you have posted here from him and from you, and I think it might be helpful to adopt a new method of responding to things. Take a deep breath, and think about what you're going to say. If you're feeling upset, before you speak count to ten in as many languages as you know how to, forward and backward.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:38 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • As painful as that is to read (and I can only imagine how you must feel) I think it is well-written. He's listed the reasons, in his mind, that communication has ebbed. Maybe a letter was the only way he felt he could truly get out all the words.

    Hey, we ALL have scars from our past that can really have an impact on the present. I know I do. I know I have to sometimes step back and consciously ask myself WHY I'm behaving a certain way. And that's what it takes, I've found, to break the cycle. It become so ingrained that it's a habit and until you stop and listen to yourself and try to identify the behavior it never ends.

    I think he's opened the door and I think the ball is in your court now.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 7:38 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • I think your husband loves you very much, he's not perfect, but neither are you, and he's the kidn of guy worth working on a relationship with. It sounds like you're a very lucky girl.....and he considers himself lucky to be with you as well.

    Not knowing both sides, I would say consider everything he's said with an open heart, and try not to put up those defensive walls when things happen. Let him in. He wants to show you how much he loves you.

    Big hugs Mama/
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:39 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Owe wow! Really! You know what I think? It sounds like he just beat the shit out of you. Then told you I love you. How can he possibly say I love you after saying all those bad things?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:43 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • I think he sounds sincere and that he truly does love you but doesn't know how or what to do to show you.
    He admits his faults as well.
    There are two sides to every story and both sides need to be validated before you can move on.
    Time to sit down and start over with an I Love You!
    It's just too damn easy to give up anymore. Hugs Rose
    KTElite

    Answer by KTElite at 7:57 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • One of the great things about marriage counseling is they teach you how to respectfully communicate.

    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 8:01 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Ouch! I can see where that letter would have been terribly hard to read. I don't know either of you, but I know that you've talked about your temper here before, and you've also talked about how those mutual friends aren't particularly good housekeepers or parents. So maybe you would have reacted in annoyance during your sit-down with them. Honestly, what it sounds to me like is that your husband has let a lot of issues build up, and now he has erupted. Once the sting wears off, and it will, I hope what comes out of this is that he loves you and that maybe you two need to develop ways of communicating your problems and pet peeves before they have a chance to get packed down like gunpowder and explode all over each other. That's a truly destructive way of handling conflict.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 8:02 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • I truly do feel writing your feelings down is more constructive than verbally assaulting each other.
    He's given you a chance to think about this before you respond.
    I've written my husband letters before, and it gave us both time to calm down so we could communicate.
    KTElite

    Answer by KTElite at 8:33 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

  • Instead of flying off and taking this in a negative light, try to think of the positives. This is actual communication, even though it's in writing. He is able to tell you how he feels and you can read it and take it as you will without feeling the need to say something back to him.


    Honestly, my first thought when reading this is that the two of you would probably benefit from some marriage counseling. I think the two of you learning to communicate with each other effectively and openly can help the issue with temper flares and grudges. It sounded as though he doesn't feel that he can communicate with you and instead just opts to have you be mad at him instead. This kind of thing can only work for so long before the whole thing crumbles. At that point, the choices might be vastly different than they are now. Fix what's between the two of you before worrying about your friends. JMO.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 8:39 PM on Sep. 22, 2013

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