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I was trying to talk to DDIL (I am a regular)

The mother and father agreed to joint custody and no one pays CS. This was fine when they live in the same school district but no the child's father (my son) has moved about 45 minutes away on a good traffic day. This makes it hard on DGS so he has been staying full time under his mother's roof Except for 3 days, every other week. Mom is happy to have him there and he is stable at school. DDIL manages the household finances. She is constantly angry at the expenses of school and extra curricular activities. By court order both pay half for one EA. If either wants him to be able to do more they either have to agree or the one parent pays all. Each parent has the veto power over the EA but,he must be allowed to take one that he wants at any given time. This isn't happening. The school clothes that she does purchased are thrift store. Nothing wrong with that but they still need to be lightly used and she buys them with stains and holes. SHE grew up poor and knows you do not need to have everything new. I agree, but somethings should be new. They are not swimming in dough but they are much better off that she was when she was growing up. Well EX DDIL is fed up and is going to go back for CS since she is having him all the time and paying for everything (not quite true but certainly the majority)
OK HERE IT IS
I am trying to get her to understand that a certain amount is due to that child whether it is in CS or in cooperative aid. He has another child that he pays $250.00 each month in CS.
So I ask her to be honest and tell me if they can honestly say they spend $250.00 or better for DGS each month? She boldly tells me yes. He eats there and they do fun things.
I told her to scratch the "fun things" because those don't really count in this equation.
She says if exDDIL's fun counts, there's should too. I said that EA don't count for either .

She is driving me batty. Am I wrong in this?
Also They are a one car family and she is going to drop off son and then drive 45 minutes in traffic and back and then do it in reverse in the evening 10 days a month (approx.)
I say on top of being irresponsible with my DGS she is being financially stupid on top of it.

So explain this to me.
I would like it if you would identify whether you are talking from the perspective of the mother or from the perspective of the woman who married a man with kids.
Thank you

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:43 PM on Sep. 25, 2013 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I guess I have no experience with someone being a mediator ten years after the fact. Was your son a minor when the pregnancy occurred?

    Anyway, I did understand what you were saying and I get that but I'm not sure that there is anyway to get your point across. Has the ex daughter in law stated that she'd be willing to forgo a child support hearing if your son agrees to an increase in the monthly stipend?
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 5:04 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • Ok it's pretty simple go online and there is a system you can access thy way to see each parents weekly obligation.
    2nd I don't blame her for wanting to get support since the situation has changed and their agreement isn't valid! And so what if she buys clothes with stains and holes if you don't like it then YOU help buy your grandsons clothes!! Not saying I would do the same for my children but unless your goin to buy them then butt out!! Also my perspective is from a single mothers poin of view. Also I'm in a relationship with a man who has a child and he pays 500$ monthly plus half of his extra "fun" stuff
    rachel216

    Answer by rachel216 at 4:18 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • I am trying to help her understand that things like the EC and medication are written into the custody agreement. It is like their own private set of laws. You have to abide by them.

    True, but they are not written in stone. She is entitled to go back and request changes if she feels they are necessary. A judge will decide if the changes she's asking are reasonable and necessary, but she can request anything she wants. And you trying to talk her out of it isn't going to change that.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 4:37 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • I'm not understanding why your voice will need to be heard if they go back to court. I'm skeptical that'll you'll be called on to "testify" There is a formula that is used when determining child support and that is what they will go by. Visitation is separate. There isn't necessarily a need to amend both at the same time. That would only happen if your son pushed the additional visitation issue. If he does that, you can hardly blame the " (not to mention the harm in making him get up another 2 hours earlier and cutting out an hour of study time)" on the mother.
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 4:43 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • I think you need to stay out of it. As a single mother whose ex isn't paying his child support, if my former mother-in-law stuck her nose in, I would go to court just out of spite, because it would piss me off. I get that your son is paying child support, but my point is - you have no real dog in this fight, and as a single mom, I can tell you, trying to put one in there is going to piss her off not only at you, but at your son. And he will be the one to suffer - and possibly your grandson, if she happens to be a vindictive person.

    If you don't like the clothes she buys him, buy some yourself and present them as gifts. Offer to pay for things if you think he should have them and they won't get them for him. But don't try to tell her how to raise her son or how to look at child support and custody/visitation arrangements. You are not in her shoes, so you really can't try to tell her how to handle this.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 4:36 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • Your DDIL sounds like a shrew, have your son do the right thing, by his child. He needs to man up, or move closer where he was before.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 5:04 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • plain and simple, your son made the choice to move making things change, the childs mother has every right to go for child support and should . Tell your son to grow some balls and tell his wife to shut up!
    He works, he can send whatever he wants!
    luvmygrandgirl

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 5:57 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • your sons ex wife could open an account with her son and the dad could have xxx amount direct deposited every month. Your NOW DDIL would be able to do NOTHNG to stop this.
    luvmygrandgirl

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 5:59 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • In reality I do buy a majority of his clothes and shoes and sometimes his medicine.
    I am the mediator for the two households.
    I am trying to help her understand that things like the EC and medication are written into the custody agreement. It is like their own private set of laws. You have to abide by them.

    I also buy clothing for my DGD who is my son's by the DDIL. The clothing she buys for DGD is brand new. So no in my opinion you do not but clothing that is stained and ripped, just so you can say, I did buy him clothing.
    I will have to testify to the judge if they go back to court.
    I do not wish to testify against my son's household. I will make it clear that she controls all the money.
    I will not be painting a rosey picture of the other side either.

    So I can not stay out of it.

    I am trying to help her see that a little support when asked is a whole lot cheaper than going back to court (fees), transport
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:35 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

  • transportation (not to mention the harm in making him get up another 2 hours earlier and cutting out an hour of study time)
    or CS.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:37 PM on Sep. 25, 2013

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