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How did you tell about your older cousin sexually abusing you and what was the after effect? I'm afraid of what that would do to my family if I were to tell.

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Machelle H.

Asked by Machelle H. at 4:24 PM on Sep. 26, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I'm afraid
    of what?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 4:54 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • Okay facebook lady, you can respond to our questions, How old was cousin, how old were you, when did this happen? You may also open a Cafe Mom Account and come to answers as a member.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 4:55 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • You just tell. If your family is so asinine as to choose sides, then you don't need them.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 5:05 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • It really depends on who you want to tell, how you decide to do it, and what you hope to accomplish by telling. I went through abuse from my mom for my whole childhood and talked to pretty much nobody in the family. As an adult, I've confided in a few of them I knew I could count on for support. Some I haven't talked to at all because no good will come of it, and some have shut me down because they don't want to hear it. I'm okay with that, since what I'm after is my own emotional and mental well-being. Anybody who can't get behind that, fine. I don't need everyone to agree with me or support me. Before you decide to have a big family meeting or something, figure out what you hope to gain, and what you might lose, and decide if getting your secret off your chest is worth what it might cost.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:17 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • wow, this is truly a difficult situation. I kept mine a secret but it wasn't done by a family member. If you are going to tell I'd start by telling someone you trust and know will give you moral support. It's possible he's done it to other family members. I was shocked to hear at a family reunion that my grandfather molested several cousins but did not doubt the girls that told. My mom never allowed me around him so now I know why. It's possible that others already know what kind of guy this jerk is so maybe it will be accepted as truth. Maybe you could ask a cousin if anyone has ever heard anyone mention anything negative about the guy. I say cousin or someone your own age because older folks might tend to want to sweep it under the rug and not deal with it. Whatever you decide, you will get moral support here.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:00 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • Since my older cousin didn't, I did not say anything.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:21 PM on Sep. 26, 2013

  • Every family is different. Denial is a pretty common defense but it varies in degree & in how it manifests. Depending on your expectations of family members, it can be disappointing.

    But consider that what is true is so (exists) whether or not you acknowledge it. It already exists & saying so is not something you are "doing to" them. Yes, you'd be choosing to disclose, but they're already living the truth. You're not in control of that. Consider too whether or not what you/they presently "have" is true or real. What you/they seem to "have" is an illusion based on you "protecting" them by saying nothing about your experience. And at what cost?
    THAT is reality--not the illusion of harmony that you think you'd be disrupting or destroying.

    I'm not pushing you to tell. As I mentioned, it often can be disappointing and it does result in conflict & loss. I'm pointing out the fallacy that TELLING is "doing something" to your family.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:03 AM on Sep. 27, 2013

  • Here's a quote that, though not on this specific topic, addresses the misguided notion of trying to "protect" people from the truth, thus denying the truth you are living. And it articulates how it is an illusion that, by not being open about your experience/truth, you somehow are sparing others from it. (It does not go away! And being open about it does not make things--the actual true situation or reality--worse!) Of course it can upset people, but holding a secret & perpetuating a lie is as upsetting (plus harmful.)
    The family unity/harmony is an illusion.

    This quote is from Eugene Gendlin, psychotherapist, psychologist & philosopher:

    "What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn't make it worse. Not being open about it doesn't make it go away. And because it is true, it is what is there to be interacted with. Anything untrue isn't there to be lived. People can stand what is true, for they are already enduring it."
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:14 AM on Sep. 27, 2013

  • Thank you! I have a lot to think about, The incest was with my 1st cousin. My mother who is 80 now and her sister now 86, her son my molester. It has helped a lot just telling you, someone. Again thank you and god Bless You!
    Machelle H.

    Comment by Machelle H. (original poster) at 9:28 AM on Sep. 27, 2013

  • secrets kill. I would say no mattter how it might break up the family you must speak up.
    Sillylins

    Answer by Sillylins at 12:29 PM on Sep. 27, 2013

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