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2 Bumps

Needy friend.....too dependent

My friend of about 8 years on and off, has become so needy over the last 3 months. *background* she's had a rough life bounced around a lot parents split, mom didnt want her, her dad left her on a friends doorstep after she graduated. She moved back near me, living w/ her dads ex. She didn't want to pay bills/rent (had 2 jobs) the lady packed her up asked her to leave. She found a guy and intentionally got pregnant (she asked me how hard is it being a parent. I told her no 2 mos. later she was preggo).

The guy turned out to be on meth ended up in jail, she moved in with his family who she doesn't know (again I told her bad idea) she beat up his mother (black eye) then moved in with another woman she met (who lived in a 2 bd apt with 5 kids and her husband) sleeping in the kids bed. Over the past few months constantly asking me can she live with me and my husband and 2 kids. We've had roommates (family and friends) it all turned sour, we agreed no. So I told her no, I offered to take her to a shelter and let them help her get a place, she declined. I am her child's god mother. She throws it in my face. "this how you treat your godchild.' 'I picked you up that time (she offered I never ask ppl for anything for this exact reason)' 'I thought we were friends.' I don't like being given the guilt trip. She doesn't work, or even try to. I've given her money but she and her child are not my responsibility. I intend to tell her grow up get your sh!t together and stop blaming me for your downfalls. Contact me when you get yourself together. But I wonder am I being to harsh.

this has happened to me two other times with friends Im wondering is it me. I do a lot for (different) friends. babysit, buy their kids clothes, buy groceries, medications, whatever they just absolutely need and can't afford. This is over a period of time, but I do whatever I can. My mother raised me to be giving and ask nothing in return (and I don't ask anyone for anything EVER) but I wonder, am I causing a dependence.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:24 AM on Sep. 29, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Just say no.
    You are allowing unnecessary drama in your life.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 3:45 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • I have been down this road myself ( with certain friends ) ; and I to have A BIG HEART , so I am always sticking my neck out
    for those I care about. It is hard to know exactly what to do for people who REALLY lean on you, but the right thing to do is always STICK TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT ( sorry bad speller sometimes ) it always serves / steers me the right direction.
    Don't worry about the guilt factor, what matters now is that your friend DO THE RIGHT THING FOR HER CHILD ( that's what you need to tell her ) . Don't abanden her all together , but DO TELL HER , being her godmother is not something for her to throw back in your face. SHE NEEDS TO DO FOR HERSELF, and if not her child is going to suffer...tell her that to.

    I wish luck and wellness :-)

    ~Cyn
    cynzbryte

    Answer by cynzbryte at 6:34 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • It does sound like maybe people can sense you're the type that will "do anything" for them, and try to take advantage of that. There's nothing wrong with helping out, but I think I'd try to be a lot more selective about who and how you help from now on.

    As far as this particular friend, I'd explain that being the child's godmother does not make you responsible for taking care of her (maybe throw in a joke about how that only applies if the friend dies and you're happy to help out if that's what she wants, if you think she'd take it the right way and it would lighten the mood). I'd also tell her that I don't appreciate guilt trips from my friends, and that if she can't start taking responsibility for her own life and stop blaming me and everyone else for her problems, I'm going to have to distance myself from her.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:46 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • I didn't read the entire post but want to caution you to not let people take advantage of you. Be a good friend, but don't let someone use you. Only spend what you can afford. And remember that your immediate family comes first. If you are wanting to go on a vacation (for an example) or have other important expenses make sure that is taken care of first. Charity begins at home. And be able to say no when the "needs" are truly something you can not do.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:53 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • Sounds like she's on drugs herself. I just feel bad for that baby. I think I would call CPS on her for no other reason than maybe they can MAKE her get her crap together to provide better for that baby if she really cares for the child she'll do it. Maybe recommend for her to put the baby up for adoption.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • You do to much for people and that is your down fall. When you stop helping. They get mad and are nasty to you. Cut back on your helping.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:13 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • You have a good heart but too many take advantage of you. You have to make the decision now to break up with her or continue being used.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:43 AM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • I am sorry she got herself in such a mess, but she beat up a woman who offered her shelter, it really sounds like your friend has way more problems than you can help her solve, and I would offer to take her to the shelter, and if she refuses, I would not have contact with her anymore, she sounds like trouble, and this is going to create some serious drama in your family's life. Just stop trying to fix her, and spend your energy elsewhwere.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 12:15 PM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • I'd call CPS for the child's sake.

    You are NOT being too harsh. You've been too gentle. As to the repeat history, it means you need to look harder at who you pick for friends. Sounds like you need to be more selective with your social calendar.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:30 PM on Sep. 29, 2013

  • Do only what you can do without feeling resentful (inside). That is your signal that you are or aren't staying within your personal limits. As long as you're honoring your personal boundaries (rather than overextending yourself), you are doing things out of choice not "obligation."
    Hold your limit about not living with you, and let her be upset about it if she is. Your reasons for doing/not doing things are about your choice & your ability, not to keep people happy or avoid disappointing them. It stinks to know that a friend is disappointed or thinks you aren't being a sport, or that you "owe" more than you are ready/willing to give, but if you own your choice then you also can recognize their right to their perceptions & feelings.
    If she has victim feelings & feels trapped/helpless, she is more likely to be upset with anybody/everybody, and to do lots of blaming. That's very natural. But she can grow through that, too.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:52 PM on Sep. 29, 2013

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