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How do i deal with my 11yr old going on 30

I have a 11 year old daughter. She is a very sweet young lady. I divorced about 5 years ago and have remarried. She seems to be getting along with my new husband but lately she told me that she missed her dad. I talked to her dad because he only sees him 2 times a month. She asked him if he could come and pick her up on Mon or wed and spend a hour or two after work he said he had no $ if he picked her up she would be eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches......what kind of answer is that for his daighter. He works 3 blocks from where we live. She is not happy with him. I dont know how to heal that broken heart. She is just now starting to curl her hair, she WANTS to wear make up which I already said no to. she wants to dress older........... how can I get throught o her. I work full time and I am in school at night so I am thinking that maybe she just wants attention please help!!

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Asked by LaDiva1020 at 3:39 PM on Sep. 30, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Well I think that you need to spend more time with her, I know it is difficult but couldn't you go to school while she is at school? I think you are gone too much.
    You might also tell him the next time you would be happy to pack a picnic, and so what if she had to eat pb&j?

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 3:43 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • There's nothing wrong with pb&j sandwiches! I have a 12 yo dd and I know she needs a lot of my time, much more than my teenage sons. How about weekends? Maybe some special mother/daughter time there. But she also needs firm guidelines. If she is dressing too old, wearing makeup, etc tell her no! You are the parent.

    Answer by missanc at 3:57 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • i dont think there is nothing wrong with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and maybe i didnt put in writing what I meant..........i think here the problem is that HE doesnt want to spend time with her. he is not finding the solution or does he want to hear what SHE needs she just wants to be with him. I have given her $ so that they can even have dinner together that isnt the problem. HE WILL NOT MAKE time for her he works 630 am to 3pm he has a hour or two he can spend after work with her. About me spending time with her I do on weekends I am going to school so that i can have my own buisness to be able to spend with my kids. I have put in 1000 hours at school i have 600 hours to go. I have spent my weekends with my kids I always plan to take them out on the weekens since I dont see them much during the week. makeup and getting dressed like she is older i have told her no I know im the parent that isnt the question

    Comment by LaDiva1020 (original poster) at 4:18 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • You can't change him, you can talk to him, but you can't change him period.
    I think it is great that you are going to school, but once again, couldn't your new DH pick up the slack so you could go while she is in school, when one parent doesn't participate the way they should the other parent has to fill both roles.
    There is no magic wand that will fix him, but you can do your best to fill in for him, kwim?

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 4:28 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • I know I cant change him this is why we arent together. My priority is being with my kids he thinks other things are more important. This is why we arent together he doesnt even try. No my Dh cant pick up the slack I have 3 other kids and our schedules work out ok for right now he watches the kids while i go to school financially i cant leave my job but me and my daughter do have one on one al the time I am in school for cosmetology and i do her hair, nails, i teach her what I have learned all the time she has even expressed she wants to be a cosmetolgist she loves it we go to the mall just me and her i also have a journal where she writes me a small note and I write back to her Im not trying to get off the hook she misses her father not me she has expressed that many times. Im just saying I dont know what else to do with her i try really hard to have a good relationship with her!

    Comment by LaDiva1020 (original poster) at 4:35 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • I have tried to talk to my x so has my brother like you know man to man but he says he cant right now. Its court ordered for him to take the kids mon and wed for a couple of hours but he would take them and not feed them i would feed them before they left with him he said he was not financially stable so I did this for almost 2 years and then all of a sudden he stopped picking them up on mon and wed he only sees them 2 times a month pickes them up fri at 5pm and drops them off at 5 pm on sat. i can tell you anytime he called i did try to sugar coat the fact that he couldnt come and would make up excuses for him i didnt want her to have a bad impression of her father. My oldest doesnt say anything he is autistic so he doesnt understand the same and my youngest says its ok if he doesnt go to daddys??? he hates going over so I dont know anymore

    Comment by LaDiva1020 (original poster) at 4:42 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Sounds like she is in the in between stage of being a little girl, and wanting to be a grown up. Maybe find a compromise that still makes her feel special, but isn't inappropriate age wise. for make up, find some fun lip glosses, and maybe some hair dye that washes out. You guys can streak her hair fun colors, and maybe give each other pedi/manis with some fun nail polish. Id buy her some great smelling lotions/body wash and some good skin care products. This might help her feel more grown up without pushing the line of what's appropriate for her age.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 4:55 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Maybe take her to get her ears pierced if they aren't already, or take her and both of you get your hair done. It sounds like she wants to try out a few things that are more grown up. Whether that's related to her dad being a bonehead, I don't know.

    Answer by Ballad at 5:42 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

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