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Consequences for a 14 year old?

My odd used to be really well behaved. That changed when she turned 12. Now she's always talking back, lying, and refusing to do her chores or really anything except watching TV. We've tried taking away privileges, grounding, extra chores, making her follow a parent at all times. We kinda gave up and I don't want to be that parent. Any ideas?

Edit: if we tried turning the tv off, she'll just sit there and do nothing.

Answer Question
 
sail-away

Asked by sail-away at 5:30 PM on Sep. 30, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Have you tried turning off the TV? What about rewarding the good and appropriate behaviors instead of punishing the bad?
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 5:33 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • clean or no one comes over and you don't get to hang out with friends (or whatever she LOVES) until you do.

    talking back, dpends on what you mean...I kind of let mine say what they wanted to a point and after that they got sent to their rooms or grounded depending on how bad it was. BUT they were also told that they could be mad or say whatever and they were STILL going to do what I asked

    Also, make sure you thank her for helping once she has done what you asked. I make a point to do this with mine always. I HATED that I felt like a slave for my mom, nothing was ever done well enough for her and she never thanked me.
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 5:37 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • If you allow her to do nothing then she does nothing. Family therapy time.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 5:39 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Every action has a consequence. If she helps out, then she gets the privilege of doing something she wants. If she refuses, she gets to do nothing. If she talks to you respectfully, then she gets to keep her cell phone or other electronics. (since those are used for communication) If she talks back then she loses those forms of communication until she figures out how to communicate with you respectfully again. Be firm, fair & consistent.

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:43 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • I'd start by turning off the TV. Let her sit there. She'll get tired of it eventually, when there's nothing else to do except her chores. Turn off the TV, electronics, cell phone,whatever, and then she can either cooperate or sit and be ignored till she does. Ignore the behaviors you don't want, praise the ones you do.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:11 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • You turn off the tv then tell her to go to her room. Their must be some thing that will piss her off. To make her act right. Take her cell, music , friends, food, certain food.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:39 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Preteens are a big challenge today but they have to know who's in charge and that's when mom and dad step up to the plate and starts pitching the game....Do well get a treat ....Do poorly extra work...Misbehave in room no tv...reading a book...don't waste time they can read and just might enjoy it.
    hau_siyoka

    Answer by hau_siyoka at 7:06 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Occupy that girl, what ever you can find to keep her busy, swimming lessons, hip hop class, painting, playing a musical instrument, open gym nights, tennis, soccer...just find something she can do 3 times a week and then also get her babysitting all these thing can keep her out of trouble and so tired she won't have the energy to argue with you. If you don't find positive stuff for her to do she will start smoking and drinking and then a whole set of new problems happen. Good luck I was a horrible teenager but I was bored and that was the problem, You may want to hold on to chore arguments for a bit, until you figure out who this almost adult is you are now living with.

    pinkparcel

    Answer by pinkparcel at 9:13 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Idea: Gordon Neufeld (developmental psychologist) has a book called Hold On To Your Kids. It's about parenting children who become difficult to parent. He describes peer orientation & how the task of parenting becomes extremely difficult when your children are not oriented to you, or are oriented away from you. He identifies "the power to parent" ("power" in the sense of power-assisted brakes or steering, not "power" as in overwhelming force & control...the power that makes things take relatively little effort/force for the parent because the child listens, cooperates, is oriented toward you, tends to want to please you) as being rooted in the quality of the parent-child relationship. He points out how many routine, mainstream parenting practices actually undermine & erode the parent-child connection. This results in alienation, an adversarial dynamic, very little cooperation, focus on leverage.
    Check it out!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:03 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

  • Since you mention constantly talking back, I can think of two other resources that could be directly helpful to you.
    One is the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The other is the book Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon.

    Both books give detailed & helpful information about how to respond to backtalk & disrespectful, emotional (angry) outbursts from kids. They provide a framework for hearing the offensive/triggering comments in a way that isn't likely to escalate the exchanges (as typical parental reactions routinely do) and responding in a way that helps to improve the overall tone of your communications.

    It's possible to start where you (and your daughter) are now. No need to stop her or make her change "first." You can learn to acknowledge the emotion she's communicating & respond in a way that conveys your understanding AND models more acceptable ways of communicating it.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:11 PM on Sep. 30, 2013

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